What Are You?
by excelsis
Summary: An idea I had while bantering with a friend about how girly Sesshomaru looks and acts. The idea is that he is actually a she.
1. Chapter One: Secret

**Title:** you FUCKEN BICHES!!!!!!!HOW DARE YOU  
**Reviewed By:** ladyfluffy of the western lands **On:** August 01, 2007 21:48 CDT  
**Rating(s):**

**Style of Writing:** 1 of 10  
**Spelling & Grammar:** 1 of 10  
**Originality/Creativity:** 1 of 10  
**Enjoyment Factor:** 1 of 10  
**Overall Rating:** 1 of 10

**Comment/Review:**  
you assholes how dare you talke about seehomeru like that you fucken assholes

This is, in fact, a review that I have received. I have decided to retort. If you are of like mind with this narrow-minded simpleton, please read this before you read the story; I have six points I would like to make known to you, as you people obviously do not realize this already.

First off, if you are going to insult me, please insult me properly. Meaning: I am only one person--and I only have one asshole, thank you (quote: "you assholes"). Second, Use proper grammar. Poor grammar only shows your obviously low level of mentality, or not knowing how to use spell check—which was created for folks like you. (Yes, I do make grammatical errors, but I make an effort not to, and never such bad ones as in this flame.) Third, spell the characters names correctly. It's Sesshoumaru. You're trying to defend his masculinity, so try to do a better job. Fourth, speaking of spelling, "talk" does not contain an "e." "Fuckin'" also does not contain an "e." Fifth, you didn't have to read it. I live in America (freedom of speech), and this is the Internet—which is free (so long as you pay the bill for using it—lol) for everyone's personal use so long as it "harms none" (yay for Wicca). If you think that this is harming you, they are nothing more than words typed on to a screen. If you find the order of those words to be harmful to your delicate mind, fuck off. If I decide I want to have Sesshy-chan to be a girl in my own universe, he can damn well be a girl. I've read of worse things happening to him.

Finally, you're the one who clicked on the link to open the page. You're the one that read it. All I did was post it. If you have a problem with it, go away. I don't like you, you're not welcome, and I slam the door in your face, with the hopes of clipping you on the nose with it.

To those of you who like Sesshy-kun being a girl (and there are many of you), I like you, you're totally welcome, and I invite you inside and give you a cup of tea… with some lemons. Enjoy, my internet friends, for your reviews are welcome.

**Chapter One**

_Secret_

"Wind Scar!"

I dodged easily. As easily as you can dodge something with such a wide range of attack anyway. It didn't even touch me. The hanyou brat was getting better, I suppose. He had to, or else he would most certainly have died a long time ago. But I was better still. I always would be. (Just a bit of my narcissism shining through.) I was glad he had not yet died though. I had the right to kill this blemish in the family. No one else. End of story. I had the one and only right to his worthless life.

Victory was at hand. I just had to wait for him to get cocky. And he would. He always did. Then, when he had just pumped up his ego… Everyone got careless when that ego was distracting them… Precisely why I always focused on the battle at hand; note the ease with which I gracefully countered everything he did. He was such a barbarian, albeit an egotistical barbarian. But when his ego took hold of him, I would… _ What are you?_

Damn! Why wouldn't it just go away? For some reason, it had been harassing me a lot lately. Something I couldn't shake off, no matter how hard I tried. And I tried very, _very_ hard. Nothing seemed to work though. No matter how many yaouki I slaughtered or places I have wandered… It just never seemed to take my mind off of that memory. I wanted to drown out that memory. I wished I could just forget the whole thing ever happened. But I couldn't. And I knew I probably never would. It was wishful thinking to even dare to hope that I could simply forget. Over all, it was a waste of time to trust in something as unpredictable as a memory to go away for good.

_What are you? Who are you?_

_I'm me… Who else could I be?_

_No, you're not the child your mother gave birth to._

What was causing this onslaught of memories? Why the hell was it plaguing me _now_? I had not thought about this for years. Why now? Why in just the past month? I didn't have time to contemplate that though. Apparently, my body had refused to react any more; my brain was occupied on other things and my body was barely animated, as it were. Pain engulfed me. The Wind Scar consumed me. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Memories are useless. All they cause is pain, and this was evidence of that. I wished I could abolish any personal memories. Such a weakness. If I had not become lost in thought, I would have been focused on the battle at hand… not lost in my damn memories. The pool of memories tried to drag me into its depths. I was fighting a losing battle with my own mind.

I lay face-up, barely conscious, barely aware of what was going on outside of me. What was going on inside was more important, more urgent. Or so it seemed. The hanyou may very well run up and strike off my head, but my memories kept _insisting_ that they were more important… More important than my own life. Like I wanted to be reminded of what a disappointment I was. But there was that memory. It seemed to have a voice of its own, "_Sesshomaru, don't forget me! You must never forget how much you disappointed your father, my darling!"_

_What are you?_

The question echoed in my mind. I felt myself go under the sea of my memories, washing over me, dragging me in deeper. I was helpless in that current. Still, I struggled, in vain. I knew it was all in vain. Finally, I gave myself over to the onslaught.

_What are you?_

My father looking at me in disapproval, with sadness lurking in his golden eyes. To me, that sadness was like a predator, and I was the unfortunate prey. I wished this weren't so. This just wasn't fair. My body cried out in pain, demanding my attention, but the inner pain was so much worse by far and my mind refused to acknowledge that my body even existed. Wounds that had lain dormant for so long were torn open in that black darkening hole inside my mind, screaming at me to acknowledge them yet again. They would never really heal, would they? I had tried to stitch them together, to conceal them, countless times, but they always managed to surface at the worst possibly moments…

_What are you?_ There was that damned question again. That damned unanswerable question.

_I don't know!_ I screamed inwardly. My eyes closed as the physical pain pulled me down into a dark abyss—an abyss I swore that I would never again revisit. I did not want to remember it…

"Is he dead?" Kagome asked, walking up to Sesshomaru's unconscious form, keeping her distance and an arrow trained on him at all times.

"I dunno… But he's gonna be!" Inuyasha ran up to him, intent on chopping off his head this time. No other attacks would suffice. It had to be a cut. Any other way, and he could never be sure… Until the bastard attacked him again. And he just didn't trust his brother to die like most people should. Leave it to him to find a way to cheat death just to irk him… He stopped dead in his tracks. "Um… Maybe _she_ is gonna be."

"She?" Kagome moved closer. So did the others, their interests piqued.

"Oh, Sesshomaru is… a woman," Sango said quietly. It was true. The kimono had been rent apart in the front, exposing her perfect breasts. Miroku gaped openly at this pale, slender, perfect body. Sango noticed and immediately slapped him, muttering something about him being a lecher, as usual. His eyes just wandered back to the demon though, albeit he was a bit more discreet this time.

"That doesn't make a difference to me," Inuyasha decided and raised his sword. Tokijin countered it.

Instinct drove my body. When I woke, I was looking at Inuyasha. _Up_ at Inuyasha. I was lying on my back. My arm was up, and I had blocked his sword, saving my head and my life. Also my hair. My head could be reattached and I would still live, after all… But there would have been no hope for my beautiful silver hair… The gods damn it. There I was with those damned feminine… I looked down in utter and complete horror. My eyes widened as I realized my kimono had been ripped. Oh, no. _Oh, no._ I wished I had not woken up. I wished that he had just killed me. It would be better than enduring the stares I was getting. Particularly from that perverted monk.

I shot to my feet, my hair falling around me. My eyes leveled at the monk. "Do you like what you see, monk?" I hissed. He averted his eyes immediately. I glared at Inuyasha in contempt. _Never_ had I hated him so much. And that was really saying something. I had hated him plenty of times before (There were times when I had almost forgotten about his existence, so unimportant and inferior did I see him as being), with a righteous sort of hatred—hating him with a passion just for being alive, tainting our family line. But this… this was a direct blow to me personally, in my most emotionally vulnerable area—my _only_ vulnerable area.

"Are you really… the Sesshomaru I've been fighting?" he wondered quizzically, wondering if it could be a trick.

My knuckles went white around Tokijin. "Be quiet, you worthless hanyou."

He sighed. "Yes." Then he smirked. "Well, this explains a lot."

'_Just what the hell does it explain!'_ I wanted to yell. If I did not have so much self-control, I might have, in fact. As it was, I was not prone to violent outbursts. "It changes nothing," I informed him. But I had to leave. I had to leave _now_. Every fiber of my being was screaming to get _away_. To put as much distance between myself and those who knew as possible. I willed myself to the air, flying away. My face heated. This was my biggest secret, and just thinking about it had brought me to ruin. And now _they,_ of all people, knew!

When I showed up at my father's palace, so long ago, dressed as a boy, insisting I was… Because I just didn't really believe that I was born as I was. I wasn't a girl. Didn't anyone understand that? I may have a woman's body… But I wasn't a girl. What the hell was I supposed to do with that body? I couldn't even walk in women's clothing. I just wasn't… Didn't they see? I felt so comfortable and safe when I put on the male persona and clothing. I felt clumsy, awkward, unsure of myself, and downright idiotic when I wore women's clothing.

"What are you?" he had asked. "Who are you?"

I had been angry. I was still young enough at the time to be rash and temperamental. Puberty does that—to ningen and yaouki alike, though yaouki act a bit stranger during that phase of their lives. I 'was proof of that,' my mother had said, with a sarcastic roll of her eyes. "I'm me! … Who else could I be?"  
He shook his head sadly. "No. You're not the child your mother gave birth to."

My hands curled up into fists. "I wasn't supposed to be a girl!" I stormed angrily away from him.

Nobody ever understood though. Girls were girls. End of story. But not my story. I was a girl, but I never felt like a girl. I felt like a boy. Why couldn't I have been born a boy? What was I supposed to do…? How could I live the life of a woman when I felt so much more like a man? I realized I didn't know where I was going. I sighed. The Weaver, I supposed. She knew about my problem, so I worried not about her seeing me. She would make new garments, as this one was ruined. Ruined like everything else of mine that Inuyasha touched. Did Father give him that name to make fun of _me_? Even in his dying moments, did he wish to provoke me? Did he hate me so much? Just because I wanted to be male?

I changed course and headed to the Weaver. The necklace that altered my voice thumped against my chest. I clutched it with my hand, swallowing hard. Damn Inuyasha! Just… I would kill him. I may kill all of his friends too. But I would never, ever do something like this to another living being. Physical wounds were one thing; this was an entirely different matter. I would rather die than… I ground my teeth in fury.

I spoke to the spider demon little. She requested the torn shreds of my clothing so that she could match up the colors correctly, took my measure again, and went to her loom. This would not take too long. I wandered outside, completely naked and barefoot, my hair falling around my figure that I hated so much. For all the world, I looked like a perfect elfin maid out of some fairytale. I hated it. I longed for my true form. At least in that form it was not… quite so obvious I was female, aside from, well, the obvious. And people were always much more interested in looking at my fangs and claws than that. After all, they were usually trying to avoid getting killed. Not that it ever helped much.

But that damned hanyou had hacked off my arm. What good would a dog missing a front leg do? If it had been a back leg, I could at least walk. Of course, my humanoid form would be worthless then. I wondered vaguely… Which one did I prefer? They each had their uses, true. I sighed. This form. Animal instincts always pumped into overdrive in that form, sometimes shoving aside more rational thoughts. It was sort of like trading thought and clarity of mind for raw power. Besides, size was usually a disadvantage: you became a larger target. Would I have lost my arm if I had not transformed? I wondered about that almost every day. Keh. Like I needed that arm anyway. I was strong—even without it. Besides, it would grow back eventually. It was impossible to permanently scar a demon… except for maybe mentally or emotionally.

I found myself staring at a quiet river. I sat down on a rock, my long, silver hair falling over my body. I hated my body. I didn't even like looking at my body. Yet here I was, staring at my reflection. Why didn't I even recognize myself? Why did the girl staring back at me look so beautiful, but so alien? Like I had never seen her before? It was like I was staring at someone else. I wished I was. I wanted so badly to be male.

I touched the crescent moon marking on my forehead. It was a red—or blue, if you will—flag to anyone at all that I was really female. The moon is traditionally a feminine symbol in most cultures. While it may be hereditary and not really a dead-giveaway, it was an insult to me. It saluted to the entire world my true gender, proudly betraying me—in my eyes, anyway. _It's just hereditary._ I tried telling myself that. But it never really seemed to work. The moon was a _goddess_ symbol—the _feminine_ symbol. Damn!

"I knew it," a voice said. I raised my head, extending my hand as I prepared to attack anything nearby. Why hadn't I noticed an approach? Absorbed in my emotions again. True, I never expressed them outwardly—and for good reasons too. Truth be told, women have different ways of expressing facial features than men. It was just easier if I made none at all. There was no need to alert people to my "real" self by expressing something as worthless as an emotion. It was fairly easy; dogs don't make facial expressions, and I had spent a good deal of my life in that form. But I knew that voice. I narrowed my eyes at Naraku. How dare he. That bastard. I'd kill him. Dimly, I realized that I didn't have Tokijin. I didn't need it. He chuckled beneath the white baboon pelt. I sniffed the air a little. It was a puppet. But he would get the message anyway. Then, I would go after the real thing. "So, the great _Lord_ Sesshomaru is actually _Lady_ Sesshomaru, _Princess_ of the West." He looked along the length of my body, seeming to enjoy what he saw.

In the back of my mind, I thought, _You masquerade as a monkey. Let me masquerade as a man. At least the connection is closer. _My eyes narrowed further. "My gender is of no importance, Naraku. You should know that a mere body is of no significance." I cracked my fingers in preparation, gathering the poison in my claws. Damn him, he'd die. I rose to my feet, slowly, with grace, always dignified, chin held high.

He smiled. "Yes. The woman who calls herself a man… Sesshomaru." He had to know that my name was a fake. My given name I had discarded long ago. Some part of me was pleased that he would never know my real name—nor would anyone. Everyone who had known was dead… Except a few friends of my late father, and they were too terrified of me to say anything.

My anger rose. "Do not mock me," I hissed, slowly approaching him. Not out of caution, though. I was walking slowly, in a carefully controlled rage. "Look at me, if you will. Kill me, if you can. But _do not_ mock me, Naraku." For me, it was a speech. I didn't like mincing words, but I liked threatening others. Besides, Naraku was afraid of me. That's why he never attacked me; I always had to go hunting for him (he also ran from me like a coward too). So he had to feel some shame in running from a woman, and was trying to hide it by mocking me. _That_ pleased me.

He took a step away from me. "You misunderstand me." I paused. I had time to pause. Time was on my side. "You're quite lovely, Sesshomaru."

"Don't try to sweet talk me. You tried to devour me." I arched an eyebrow. "I haven't forgotten."

"I thought you were a man," he said with a shrug. "Now I know why I've always thought you were beautiful." A thought suddenly occurred to him. "Sesshomaru… Are you a--" I wasn't going to let him finish that sentence. I knew what he was going to ask already.

I ground my teeth, a low growl emitting from my throat. I was tired of battling him with words. I hated talking. I charged at him, ripping my claws into his stomach. In my hand was a demon puppet. I crushed it. Damn him. Just… damn him. Next, I was positive—Jaken would find out. Everyone else had. I think I would die if he ever knew. My brain would just collapse. Not because I cared about what he thought… But because I hated being near people who knew. And Jaken was always… there. Rin wouldn't care one way or another. I felt safe with that child. If she knew, I'm sure it would not bother her in the least. But… Would Naraku spread the word about Lord Sesshomaru being female? That could mean trouble. When a woman ruled over lands, men always tried to dominate her. And, whether I wanted to admit it or not, I had no army and I was vulnerable in such ways. Not that I couldn't kill off anyone who tried to make me a beta. I was definitely alpha… male. I didn't care if this body said otherwise.

Still… That hanyou brat had caused me even more pain. If not for him…! I cursed silently. If not for him, my life would be so much better. Nobody alive would know that I'm really female. My father would still be alive. I would have inherited all three swords… I would still have my left arm too. The arm, I could live without. If anything, it only proved that I was stronger than others thought I was. Most yaouki would be at an extreme disadvantage in my position.

But others knowing this secret was just unbearable.

I looked back at the water, depressed at what I saw. Who was this girl? I didn't know. I never would.


	2. Chapter Two: Problem and Solution

**Chapter Two**

_Problem and Solution_

I wandered back to the Weaver's, looking over her shoulder as she went about silk-screening my new garments. It was a tedious process. But for what I was paying, it didn't seem right if it wasn't.

As "riveting" as silk-screening was, I walked away and back outside, staring up at the clouds. How long would this take? I was known to have infinite patience—eternity does that to you. But I was naked and didn't want to be cooped up in the house. I considered the days' events rationally for the first time, now that my walk back to the Weaver's had calmed me down a bit.

There was just no way I could see this working to my benefit, except… Well, there was always that chance of seducing Naraku and killing him during a sexual embrace. The idea repulsed me; I didn't like Naraku. He wasn't exactly my type… I would prefer being with a guy who wasn't afraid of me, and didn't have a problem with me dressing as a man… I may be "gender-confused" but I still liked men. Maybe my father was right, and there _was _something horribly wrong with me. Nonsense. They were just narrow-minded and un-accepting. It was his loss, not mine.

I transformed into my true form, curling up in a ball. This was better. At least now I did not feel so exposed. I forced myself to think about what to do with Inuyasha knowing about the one _real_ secret I had. The only thing that I could think to do was to kill him. Of course, I had been trying to do that for a while. For some stupid reason, I always felt inclined to go easy on the brat. One must go easy on children, after all. And when I looked at him, all I ever saw was an immature child, swinging around his sword wildly with no grace or even dignity to his attacks, the sheer size of it making him look even more childish. Most of my opponents at least had a sense of style. Inuyasha's "style" was to make wild, erratic movements like a diseased weasel. Not that I had ever observed a diseased weasel's movements.

He really shouldn't be a part of my family. I hated that we looked alike. Thank the gods that it didn't go past hair and eye color—and smell, but that was a given. Inuyasha smelled dirty. Had he ever washed that fire rat robe? That had been a gift from Father too. How I hated that brat… What had I ever done? Why was I the hated child? Why…? I pushed that worry away. I could sulk about that later.

I needed the solution, not the problem. True, this inspired me to do something underhanded to kill him, but I was not like… I wasn't Naraku. I was _not_ going to use Machiavellian methods to dispose of the bastard child of my father. I was better than that. And I wasn't that desperate… Was I? No. I sighed, as best I could in this form. I convinced myself that nothing had changed. It hadn't, right? Inuyasha wasn't suddenly going to be all "you're a girl" and suddenly get weird when I attacked him, right? This is why I didn't want people to know. They always treated me differently if they found out. Most of them, I had disposed of though. The others, I had silenced.

I wondered if it would really make a difference to Inuyasha and his troupe though. I suppose what I mean is, would they make a big deal out of it? Something that could cause me trouble? I growled softly. It would be like him to do something to make my life more difficult. That's all he had done—since he was conceived. I growled again. A long while. Damn! If they breathed a single word of this, then I would end up being stalked by every damned male demon seeking higher social standing. And it takes time and energy I do not want to waste to just destroy them. I had to know if they were going to say anything. I rose, trying to decide what to do. The obvious thing to do would be to hunt them down and threaten them not to, but that would sort of defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?

_What are you?_

I ground my teeth. _Shut up! Go away! _I needed to think about this, not about that damned conversation that had happened _centuries_ ago.

I sat down again, scrutinizing the trees. That filthy hanyou could ruin everything I had worked to create if he said one word… I wished there was a way I could know…

A thought suddenly occurred to me. What if… Instead of making demands and threatening, I were to simply ask? I was repulsed by the thought. Me, Sesshomaru-sama, ask something of a group of _ningen_ and a hanyou? No. That would be immoral. Still, I just couldn't let them traipse around the countryside with that knowledge.

I hated that they knew. I thought I had hated Inuyasha before, but that was _nothing_ compared to what I felt now. I had wanted to kill him before—_now_, I wanted to tear him to pieces. Some of my acidic saliva slipped from my mouth as I growled again, this time in frustration. There was a hiss as the unfortunate bit of earth it dropped to dissolved.

And, what about Naraku? He wanted to dispose of me as well. He had to know that he could use this information against me. They were both a direct threat, and all they had to do was open their mouths. I shot to my feet, eyes glowing red with anger. I needed a plan—fast.

Suddenly, everything clicked. I could kill Naraku, but he always got away. I could kill Inuyasha, except for the Tessuiga. And I realized something that I had to do. A temporary alliance with either party would result in the demise of the one I chose not to kill. I slipped back into my usual form, a smirk forming on my features. So, I was willing to do that. Neither of the two parties would see any ulterior motives.

Now, I just had to decide on one thing—which group would I kill?

Author's Note:

I can't decide which group Sesshy should attack, and I have ideas for both, but either way, it's going to end in betrayal and Sesshomaru stabbing the "ally" in the back. So, Naraku or Inuyasha?


	3. Chapter Three: True Form

**Chapter Three**

_True Form_

As I sat and pondered this decision, the Weaver came out with my clothing. I transformed again, taking the garments from her. I paid her, dressed, and took my leave. I would have to replace my armor, though. It did a good job of hiding my breasts. I went back to my palace before returning to Rin and Jaken. I spent only the time necessary there before I left again.

Rin had, as usual, picked me flowers. I really needed her bright, cheerfulness after all this. Jaken welcomed me with questions about my outing—things I was not going to answer, needless to say. But Rin just greeted me, genuinely happy to see me. I liked that.

Rin lifted her hand up to me, offering me the single white lily. "It was the only one Rin could find," she explained. I took it with a nod of my head. Rin was so sweet. Jaken's voice was droning obnoxiously in the background. I put a stop to it with a swift kick to his stomach, which sent him flying head over heels.

"I take it something went wrong," Jaken muttered. For that one comment, I wanted to beat him senseless, but Rin shouldn't see such violence, so I contented myself to kick him again, this time ascertaining that he went flying down the hill, screaming. That brightened my day a bit. Now, once he had climbed back up here, I should send him on some useless, almost impossible errand.

I glanced down at Rin, expecting a full report. For a while, she babbled about how she had found the lily, then about a brief encounter with a demon that Aun had protected her from. She walked beside me, and crawled on my lap when I sat down, leaning against a tree. It was the bit towards the end that was the most annoying. "Sesshomaru-sama, Master Jaken said that you were a dog. Are you really a dog?"

How could this have been brought up in conversation? Just… how? She was peering up at me with her pretty brown eyes—so innocent. I wanted to hit Jaken. He was just now crawling back up the hill. My hand curled around a convenient stone. I waited until his head poked over the edge, then hurled it at him. Rin tried to stifle a giggle as it hit the toad dead-on and sent him tumbling back down the hill. "Yes, Rin."

She frowned. "But…"

I really didn't want to explain this to her. I decided to have Jaken do it once he got back up. "Did Jaken explain this to you?"

Her frown deepened. "He said that 'Sesshomaru-sama is a powerful dog demon.' But, er… You don't seem very much like a dog."

_Little does she know_… Jaken was making his way back up the hill again. I remained silent, watching his progress. Rin turned and looked. Both Rin and Jaken were fully expecting me to do something to send him back down the hill, but I made no move to do so. Jaken sighed in relief and stood up, turning away. "Jaken," I said. He spun back around.

"Yes, my lord?" I hated the sound of his voice. It was scratchy, whiny, and, all in all, hard on the ears. Why had I not killed him yet? Ah, yes, because I needed someone to carry around the Staff of Two Heads. Jaken also served as a way to remove stress, in times such as these.

"Explain to Rin that I am a dog demon," I said. Rin immediately ran over to Jaken to listen in rapt attention as he talked about me. It was an elongated speech, and Rin got bored halfway through it and wandered back to me.

"Jaken is boring. Can't you explain it?"

"Hey!" Jaken whined.

"Jaken," I said. He straightened, and almost answered me, but I cut him off before I had to hear his voice again. "Go catch some fish for Rin." Rin giggled, and Jaken bowed with a quick, 'yes, my lord' and ran off to do my bidding.

"Sesshomaru-sama, how are you a dog?"

Why was this child so persistent? And why didn't I just put a stop to these annoyances and eat her? She yawned and snuggled up closer to me. Oh, that's why. Demons, like most creatures, have mothering instincts. Because I had no children of my own (by choice), instincts often screamed at me to get some. Rin sufficed, and those instincts stilled. Besides, I liked Rin. I decided to go with the obvious answer. "I was born that way, similar as to how you were born a ningen."

She accepted this answer. "But, you don't look like a dog."

"Hm." If I showed her my true form, would she become afraid? No, Rin wasn't afraid of anything—least of all me. How that works out, I have no idea. But for some reason, I was here hero. I liked that too. I pushed her off of me and stood up, walking away from the tree into an open area. "Don't be afraid, Rin."

"S-Sesshomaru-sama…?" But I had already lost myself in the whirlwind of my power, my decision made. She would see it one day—eventually. Wasn't it better that she saw it on good terms? When I was finished, I looked back at her. She was staring at me, mouth agape. She blinked and suddenly grinned, laughing. "You _are_ a dog!" I laid down. I didn't really like standing on three legs. She ran over to me, burying her face in my fur. I glanced at her. She ran back toward my face, putting her small hands on top of my nose. Quite a dangerous position—if she had been any other living creature. With me, she was perfectly safe, and always would be. She started laughing again. "Is that really you, Sesshomaru-sama?"

"Yes," I answered. She smiled again. I was glad she was so accepting. She would accept me even if she knew that I was female, after so long of insisting I was male. She would forgive and accept me, and I was content.

Jaken found us in this strange embrace.

Rin seemed to like my true form, so I stayed in it for a while longer. She curled up near me, burying her face in my fur, and fell asleep after she had eaten. She looked so content that I didn't want to wake her. Besides, what would it hurt if I stayed like this for a bit longer? Jaken didn't like it; he felt tiny and insignificant as it was. I knew he had trouble with his height, and seeing me in my true form again probably did nothing to ease his problems.

I stayed away for most of the night, before slowly drifting off to sleep, successfully avoiding coming to any real decision about what to do about Inuyasha and Naraku—because, quite frankly, I just didn't want to think about it right now, or ever.

Author continues to need help deciding which group Sesshomaru should join up with, and which to kill. Sesshomaru will betray whoever is not killed first, by the way, and kill them too.


	4. Chapter Four: Decisions

**Chapter Four**

_Decisions_

When I woke early in the morning, I shifted to my usual form, careful of Rin the whole while. I could feel it coming on again. Heat. I was going in to heat. Again. I rolled my eyes. Fantastic. I would just have to abandon Rin with Jaken for a week or two. I couldn't risk Aun or Jaken smelling it.

I woke Jaken by kicking him. "Yes, my lord?" he wondered sleepily.

"I am leaving. You will watch over Rin."

"Again, my lord? Lord Sesshomaru, when may we expect you back?"

"One, possibly two weeks." He seemed dizzied at the concept, but I didn't give him time to think about it, as I took off immediately. Jaken really was stupid. Hadn't he noticed that I left for two weeks every spring? He may have thought that I was chasing after a bitch in heat. Most likely… more than likely. He would never suspect that _I_ was that bitch. I liked to choose different places to hide during that time. Last year, I had chosen to lock myself up in my palace after excusing all of the servants for two weeks. They thought I was insane, but they probably already thought I was insane anyway.

I couldn't do that two years in a row… I hadn't been to the cave in quite a while. I made my decision and headed there. The cave was located at a mountain's peak, covered in trees, with hot springs nearby. It was also conveniently free of more powerful yaouki because of its all around boring position and poor hunting grounds. Not that it was barren, but most demons preferred to eat humans, and there were few of those around. I didn't mind long-distance hunting though. During heat, however, I didn't want to risk having to leave, for fear of drawing attention to myself. I scanned the ground for a band of humans. I wanted low-lives. The kind that would attack me. There. A group of bandits. I took pleasure in killing those kinds of men. They thought they would rob me and kill me—and I valued the surprised looks on their faces when I killed them instead.

I studied their course and waited for them a quarter of a mile away. Five. I didn't need to eat too much. Maybe three. I could drop the other two in the pit I had dug last time. It was probably still there. If not, then I could always lock them up elsewhere. My scent alone should be enough to keep the lower yaouki away (even if I was in heat). I was patient, and they came. As they pompously spoke of how they would kill me, I decided to kill the strongest of the five here.

My whip was precise, killing only who I desired should die. The other two fled. I could track them down in a few minutes. I transformed and devoured the three of them, then leaped after the two remaining ningens. They had stayed together, and I caught them in my claws, feeling pleased with myself at their screams and escape attempts. I leaped into the air. I could fly in my dog form too—sort of. It was more of ridiculously long leaps that bordered on flying. I made it to my place in five bounds. I limped to the pit I had dug. It was still quite deep. I opened my mouth, letting them fall into it. I trotted all around it, making sure it smelled like me, before I returned to my previous form and walked away.

The cave was a rocky outcropping, and didn't go very far back. There was also a hot spring nearby. I bathed incessantly when I was in heat. Being naked might be dangerous, but I didn't like the way being in heat made me feel, and the bath was an effort to cleanse myself of that.

_What are you?_

I hated the sound of his damned voice. I wondered if I would ever forget it. He had been dead so long, yet I still remembered the exact timbre of his voice. It seemed selfish of him to do this to me. Ridiculously cruel. He died, and didn't even give me the right to kill him. He had caused me so much grief, and he had the audacity to go and get himself killed for no good reason. I wanted to know what it was like to carve my claws through his flesh. I had been robbed of that by Inuyasha too.

I pulled off my clothing and slid into the hot spring, thinking. It would probably be easier to approach Naraku with an alliance. He may want to mock me, but at least I would not have to convince him that I had no ill intentions; he would know I had ill intentions. Easy as that may be, though… he would be scheming, trying to stab me in the back before I did him in. At the same time, though, we both would have to wait until Inuyasha was dead.

I ran that scenario through my head a few times. If I worked with Naraku, I had the funny feeling that he would be trying to seduce me the entire time. The idea made me feel nauseous.

However, my alternative was to side with _Inuyasha_. Unappealing. However, I allowed myself to consider how that would work out. They would be suspicious of every breath I took, suspicious that I was really in cohorts with Naraku and leading them into traps. That could become frustrating very quickly. There would also be that I would have to swallow more of my pride if I approached them, and explain my motive also. That would involve telling them that Naraku had seen me. Ugh.

I had to choose the lesser of two evils. I looked up at the sky, watching the clouds passed. I climbed out of the water and sat on the sun-warmed rocks, water dripping from my body, my hair clinging to my skin tenaciously.

I really had no idea what to choose. Naraku, or Inuyasha? Which one should I go to? Were there any other options? I considered. Not really. There were a few others who pursued Naraku or wanted Inuyasha dead. But I didn't want to risk any more than absolutely necessary finding out about me. Besides, if I did it this way, I could get close enough to kill without engaging in an open battle. Expanding effort often was not worth my time. And they would still die if I let their own stupidity and naïveté kill them. There was no sense in giving either a chance to live.

Author would still like advice—which group? I have ideas for both, though it is leaning more towards Naraku.


	5. Chapter Five: Final Conclusion

**Chapter Five**

_Final Conclusion_

I spent my day in meditation, weighing one evil against another and still I came to no conclusion, much to my chagrin. The next day was much the same in those terms, though it did rain, so I stayed inside the cave all day. I wondered how Jaken was treating Rin. He had better get her out of the rain. But he would.

A few more days passed. One youkai found me, but I killed him with no trouble. I recalled the two humans I had brought with me were probably still in that pit. I wandered back to it and peered over the edge. They were miserable, filthy, weak from hunger, and fatigued. I was also hungry, so picked one up with my whip and dragged him to a stream. I tossed him in and transformed, enjoy the brief struggle in the water before I consumed him. I shook the water droplets out of my still winter-thick fur, showering the surrounding plant life. They accepted the watery gift with open arms.

I transformed once more so I could walk in a dignified manner. I was getting bored, and still had reached no real conclusion, though my decision did seem to be leaning more toward Naraku. It was growing dark. I went to the hot springs, disgusted that I couldn't wash this stench off of me that appealed so well to male youkai.

I allowed myself to relax in the warm water, the steam heating my face. I slipped in a bit lower, my hair floating gently in the water. I sighed. Would I never come a decision? I closed my eyes. I had to soon. It may already be too late, but I couldn't go to them now. It would be awkward and mildly dangerous. Mostly, it would just be embarrassing, though.

I had to wait this out. I may have to wait up to another week and a half. That may be too late. I wished there was a way I could know.

"I wish I knew…" I muttered, the heat making me sleepy. I sunk down a bit lower, until only my head was above the water. "Then maybe I could relax."

"Your secret is safe thus far," a voice whispered softly from behind me. My eyes snapped open, glowing red. I snarled as I jerked my head around, raising my arm to strike. Naraku was standing behind me. From the smell, he was the real thing this time. I tried to calm myself. If I wanted to win him over, being hostile would defeat the purpose. I had to be convincing.

I made no effort to conceal my anger. "Go. Away," I hissed. "You're not welcome here."

He cocked his head to the side, just a little bit. "Your scent says otherwise."

"My scent is not for you," I snapped. Yes, he would try to seduce me the entire time. How utterly annoying. I would endure it. If I could endure Jaken all these decades, I could endure him for a few weeks or so.

"Then who is it for? Your little brother?" His eyes flicked down the mountain. "He's going to be at the base of this mountain by tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure he will smell it."

I was determined to stay locked up all day that day, in that case. "What do you want, Naraku?"

He took two steps toward me. I kept the snarl back. "You."

I smirked. "Has my scent affected your judgment as well as your body?" I scoffed. "Be gone." I turned from him. If he wanted to fuck me, then he wouldn't try to kill me, or he would have done so by now. I dropped my arm back in the water carelessly. I heard him move closer. By the time I had turned my head, he was kneeling behind me, looking at me. I scowled. "Stop trying now, Naraku." I turned away. "I have a proposition for you."

He paused. "What might that be, _Sesshomaru-sama_?"

I pushed down my anger and desire to strike. "Inuyasha and his band know that I am female. I need them dead as soon as possible. Let us be allies for a time and kill them. It would benefit you as well," I added.

"I accept your proposition… But on a condition." Why did I already know what he would say? He leaned toward me, his lips near my ear. "I want you."

"You ask too much. What would I get from that? My plan benefits both of us."

"Fine. Then I get to kill Inuyasha."

At that, my rage flew. I leaped from the water. Naraku soon found himself on his back, my fingers wrapped around his throat. I leaned over him, my eyes glowing red. I could smell his arousal, and his fear. "Inuyasha is mine," I hissed. "I have more of a right to his life than you ever will. You can have the others. I care not what you do to them. But Inuyasha is mine."

He realized just how dangerous this situation had become. I could see it in his eyes. "Very well. I accept on your terms."

I rose to my feet, stepping away from him. "Good. Now get away from here." I picked up Tokijin and pointed the blade at him. "Or fight me here."

He considered, then nodded his consent and turned to leave. He looked over his shoulder. "I will return in two days. I would like it if you were a bit more civil, so we can discuss how to ambush Inuyasha and the ningen."

I nodded. "Good. But remember your place next time."


	6. Chapter Six: Winning

**Chapter Six**

_Winning_

Inuyasha froze. Kagome frowned. "Inuyasha…? Is something wrong?" she wondered. The others looked back at them.

He was staring at the mountain, sniffing the air. "I smell something…"

"Like what?" She looked up at the mountain, not sensing anything out of the ordinary.

He shook his head, trying to dislodge himself of the alluring scent. "I don't know."

"There's nothing unusual here," Miroku commented, glancing around at the scenery with a frown. Inuyasha didn't say anything. He felt like he was being pulled up the mountain, and was fighting against the chains that were trying to pull him up it. He took one step forward. What was that scent?

"I'll be right back," he said, charging up the mountain. Halfway up, he stopped, as a new scent wafted to him. "Sesshomaru…?" He took a step back, baffled. What was this scent? It almost demanded him to come up there. Sesshomaru was there, though. Why? Slowly, he crept up there, wary of a trap. Something hit him, knocking him off of his feet. He looked up. Sesshomaru was glaring down at him.

"Get out of here now and I will let you live a bit longer, hanyou," I hissed. Inuyasha looked up at me, baffled as he tried to sort out the smell that I emanated. I was a bit insulted, but it was understandable. Dog demons were few now, and he would smell this scent more strongly than any other type of demon.

"What _is_ that smell?" he wondered, mostly to himself.

I snarled. "Go."

"Is that _you_?" he asked incredulously, his instincts driving him, making him stay. I had to be understanding of my little brother. It wasn't his fault that his demon instincts were demanding that he fuck me. He wasn't moving, though, so I had to scare him off. I charged at him. He was so dazed from the smell that he didn't move. I flung him backwards, back down the hill. He took the hint, much to my surprise, and left.

Inuyasha blundered back down the hill and back to his friends. The others immediately noticed his current state—dazed, confused, and covered in bits of things usually found on a forest floor.

Kagome frowned. "What happened?"

Inuyasha, unsure of how to best word what had happened, shook his head. "I thought I smelled… Sesshomaru," he lied. He wasn't a very good liar, but it held some truth to it.

"Was it?" Sango wondered. She was suspicious of something, though what it was, she didn't know.

Inuyasha frowned. "Yes. He—She—whatever—threw me down the hill and took off."

The others didn't exactly buy it, but they stopped asking questions.

I sat sulking for most of the day, despising my body more and more by the second for betraying me so. I wanted to kill something. There was still one more human there. I took the starving mortal from the pit. I told him to run. Fear was the only thing powering him. I gave him several minutes, before I began to track him. I took my time in doing so. It wasn't hard. The idiot left a path a blind mortal could follow.

I could hear him and smell him, but I chose to only use my eyes. It made it more interesting. He had gone in the river. I stopped, looking downstream, then upstream. He didn't have the strength to battle the current. I walked along the bank. The current was not very strong here. He may have floated down it, though. I heard him floundering in the water. I stood at the bank, watching him. I waited for him to see me—then the true panic would set in.

Humans were interesting at these times. No creature is more desperate to live than a human. Humans cling very tenaciously to life, and value their own highly. This one was waist-deep in cold water, shivering, and starving. He was very weak, but still he had managed to run from me. Humans were indeed very driven. They wanted so badly to live. I recalled Inuyasha saying something similar at one point. It was true. But humankind was stupid to struggle so, even when they would certainly die regardless. Why expand the effort when it is worthless? No demon would have ran like this man had. They would have kneeled before him, quietly accepting their fate. But no human did that, unless they planned on begging.

I liked it when they begged. I wanted this man to beg for my nonexistent mercy. I smiled at the thought.

The man finally moved, diving into the water, trying to swim with the current. I walked along, following slowly. I knew this place well. This river would become a small waterfall soon. The fall would only be enough to hurt him. I wanted to watch. I quickened my pace and beat him to the fall. I watched him sail over the edge with a scream. The scream was cut short when he hit the bottom. The river became more of a stream here, emptying out into three tributaries; thus it was very shallow. The water itself here was only about five inches. The man groaned and looked up at me. I made no move to go to him. I wanted to see more of his panic. I could smell it in the air.

The man tried to get up. He screamed when he discovered that his leg was broken. I could smell the blood in the air. The man still tried to crawl away. I would help him. My whip wrapped around his broken leg and ripped it off forcefully. I let it fall in the water. The man howled in pain. He sounded like an animal. I wanted to produce that scream again. My whip wrapped around his left arm. I gave a tug and that, too, was ripped off. The man was now in tears. The blood loss was making him delirious. I leaped down, landing nimbly on the shore. I watched him for a moment, then laid the whip to the fresh wounds. The man made the howling, animalistic sound again. It was delightful.

Now I wanted to eat him. I transformed and stepped over to him. I first swallowed his arm, then moved to the disposed leg. He watched me in horror the entire time. I made a point of lapping at the blood first, then I swallowed it. I looked over at him. He screamed again, whimpering. I lapped at the stump of his arm, thinking of my own arm. I bit his side, taking out a chunk of it. Before he died here in the water, I devoured him.

Sometimes, I craved violence and blood. I liked to massacre humans if I even saw Inuyasha. This one human had to provide me with enough bloodshed and pain for my usual massacre. Considering that I usually killed quickly and almost painlessly, this would suffice.

I turned, reverting to my "normal" self. Soon, Inuyasha. Soon, your fate will not be so different.

_What are you?_

_Go away,_ I hissed. _I am going to kill the thing you valued so much. The two of you can finally embrace in hell._

The voice faded, but was not all gone. But it had retreated. I was beating it back. I was winning. _What are you?_


	7. Chapter Seven: Plans

**Chapter Seven**

_Plans_

When Naraku came (and he took his time in doing so), I was waiting for him. I had assumed that he would visit me near twilight—probably hoping to catch me bathing again, but he had no such luck this time. I had my back to him, and didn't bother to turn around to look at him for a while. He said nothing, which sort of irritated me. I finally turned my head. "Separate Inuyasha from the others. Keep them apart."

Naraku smiled. "Shall we kill the ningen first?"

I nodded. "Yes. I want Inuyasha to feel what it means to suffer." As I have suffered. I wanted him to suffer because of me, as I had suffered because of him. "I want him not to care if he lives or dies." I wanted him to feel how I felt when I despaired. And I wanted it to be one of the last emotions he would ever feel. I wanted him to feel despair like a crushing weight on his shoulders, and I wanted to know that I was the one to put it there.

He frowned. "That could be dangerous for you. There's nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing left to live for--but vengeance," he reminded me. But I didn't need the reminder. I had been that… man before. Before I met Rin. Without her… What was left but vengeance and conquest? Parenthood was an interesting concept. Look at how it had changed me and my perspectives on life? Before she had come to be the sunshine in my life, my world had been nothing but a black void—devoid of anything but suffering. The suffering of others, and my own suffering. That was what that priestess was to Inuyasha. I wanted her to die.

I looked away again, up at the sky, watching the gold slowly fade to grey. The sun was setting on my little brother's time. I would see to that personally. I would be the night that crushed the day. "We are going to set this up as if you and I are in no way connected," I continued on. "To him, you will have done this alone. He will go after you." I looked back at him, letting the deadly malice in my voice seep through. "Let him. Guide him." The wind lifted my hair, making it swirl around me like a shredded silk curtain. I hooked a bit behind my ear, and faced into the wind.

Naraku saw where I was directing it thus far. "And you will confront him on his path to me."

I nodded. "He will be more interested in getting to you than battling me." I turned back to him. "That's when I want you to appear. I will act as though you are my new opponent, but I will not kill you." Yet.

He smiled. "You are much more devious than I thought."

I quirked an eyebrow, but said nothing in regards to the matter. "Don't kill him," I reminded him. "Leave him wounded." Naraku blinked, clearly baffled. He probably knew where this was headed, but had trouble realizing I was the one saying it. "I want to rip him to pieces."

Naraku suddenly laughed. "Very well. I agree to your plan. But what is your plan for separating them?"

I narrowed my eyes. "I have thought of everything thus far. I thought it was only fair for you to think of something."

He scowled. "You only required my assistance. Nothing more."

I debated on scaring him into cooperation, or wooing him into cooperation. I turned back to him. Might as well use the smell I was emitting to my advantage. "You can't expect me to do everything for you. I'm sure you can think of something." My voice itself seemed to darken. "If you cannot, then you are useless to me."

He considered that, but not for long. "Fine, _Sesshomaru-sama_." He started to leave, then looked at me, as if considering something, then turned away. He was demonstrating an immense amount of self-control right now. I was surprised, and a little impressed. I knew how delicious I must smell right now. My body was screaming for male attention, and I was denying it that, which made the smell that much more appealing. I knew that because near the end of my heat, I was always accosted more often. He left, and I felt relieved. If he had pressed, I doubted I would have the will power to resist right now.

Once this heat was over…

Inuyasha, you are going to die—by my hand.


	8. Chapter Eight: Frozen Kiss

**Chapter Eight**

_Frozen Kiss_

_What are you?_

The voice echoed through my mind like someone at the bottom of a well screaming, the only answer being the returning screams. Then I realized that I was the one screaming. _Stop! Leave me alone!_

The voice was so persistent. _What are you?_

My father appeared before me, looking down at me with that… look. His lips parted in disgust, his eyes disappointed. I hated that. I would rather face his absolute wrath and have him attack and almost kill me than bear his disapproval. It hung in the air like a fog between us, so thick and stifling that it threatened to crush me. _No!_ I was not going to be crushed by this. I was stronger. _I'm going to kill him! And there's nothing you can do!_ I screamed into the abyss, the howling winds ripping my words away after I had barely uttered them. _The only thing left in this world that you love I will destroy!_

_What are you?_

It infuriated me. _You can finally meet in hell!_

_What are you?_

I snarled. _You're dead! Stop pretending you're alive!_

_What are you?_

My eyes snapped open, and I shot to my feet, looking around with wide eyes. My heart rate slowly relaxed and I lowered myself once more onto the soft grass. The first rays of the sun were just peaking over the horizon, the beginning of the end of the night. It was just a nightmare. Just another nightmare. It wasn't like I hadn't seen this one before. Every time I had slept for the past month, actually. I really couldn't take this any more. It was wearing down my sanity.

I buried my face in my fluffy thing. I wanted it all to go away. It would, once I killed everyone who knew. Once I destroyed Inuyasha, then maybe the dreams would stop. And then I would set fire to my father's palace. I considered that. No, that was a bit rash. I would just torch or melt anything that reminded me of him. Then the nightmares would cease and my mind would finally be at ease.

It sounded good. It sounded so good that I could relax again and fall back asleep.

I woke when I heard someone approaching. At first, I thought it might be Naraku, but, to my great annoyance, it was just some demon pulled by my scent. I killed him quickly and wandered around the mountain. I was terribly bored. Usually, I was doing something—traveling, killing things… Now, I was just sitting around. But it was ending. I could feel it.

By tomorrow, it should end. It would be the end for Inuyasha too. I liked that idea.

Sometime around noon, I smelled Naraku lurking nearby. I followed the scent. "I take it you have thought of something?" I said.

He smiled. "I will kill the ningen. If Inuyasha smells any of your scent at all around their death site, he will go after you before me."

I nodded once. "Because of Tensaiga." I had already known that though. He may go after me anyway to try to take my sword. I would gladly trade with him, if Father had not erected a barrier that rejected me, like Father himself had rejected me.

"I will lure him away using Kagura. I am sure he will take the bait."

"How will you keep the others from following him? And how do you know that he will follow?"

He smiled. "Your little brother is… predictable. He always runs out ahead of the ningens. I will just wait until he does, and then release a couple of demon puppets for the ningen, to keep them in one place for a while. Then I will kill them." His eyes seemed to sparkle with the thought of doing this. "He will come after me. You and I will already be engaged in 'battle.' He is sure to join. That is when you have your chance."

I nodded. Naraku may have been a malevolent bastard, but he was an intelligent malevolent bastard. "Two days from now, we will follow this plan." I had to be sure the scent was completely off of me.

"Will you be able to find my castle?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. That's right; his barriers.

"Where is it?" I demanded.

He looked at the sky. "From here, head southeast. You will find it." He looked at me again. I didn't like the way he was looking at me, but I never did. "Or you could come with me now."

My eyes turned red. "Give up, Naraku. If I wanted you, I would have had you by now."

"Hm," he said. He was angry, but concealed it. He looked away. "Considering your age, that you're a virgin is ridiculous. What are you waiting for?"

"Naraku. You are annoying me, and that could be very dangerous for you," I reminded him.

He was unperturbed. "You're beautiful."

That caught me off-guard. I had nothing to say—no snappy comeback, and no cruel banter. In fact, all of my anger dissipated to be replaced by confusion. I was so damned confused that I barely noticed when Naraku's lips brushed mine. I didn't move when he kissed me. I was frozen in a cold sea of confusion. Despite his urgency, my lips did not yield. Despite his skill, my lips did not mold to his. And despite the heat rising between our lips, I remained frozen. He finally pulled back, obviously flustered. "You are impossible," he snapped over his shoulder as he turned away from me and left me standing there, lost to my confusion.


	9. Chapter Nine: Lost in Confusion

**Chapter Nine**

_Lost in Confusion_

I remained lost in my own confusion for the remainder of the day. In fact, I didn't move from the spot that Naraku had kissed me for over an hour. Not like I had never just stopped moving and did nothing for an extended period of time (with Jaken as my witness), but never really because of shock. Things rarely shocked or surprised me. But this… I just didn't know what to do, or what to say… And then, I realized that the only sort of thing I knew to respond to was action-oriented. My reactions were sharp, and I knew what to say in political, persuasion (in the form of threats), and things along those lines, but in matters of physical or emotional contact (outside of bodily harm), I was a novice. At least that hadn't been my first kiss…

I could just ignore the entire thing, as if it had never happened. Somehow, I doubted that would work though. Ah, well. He would be dead soon enough anyway. So… Why not use him?

Once the thought entered my mind, I couldn't shake it off. It was delicious, because it was so outlandish. I hated him, but the idea of using him was captivating. Oh, why not? For some reason, I could think of no reasons as to why I shouldn't go after him right now…

I scowled at the thought, stubbornly sitting down, leaning my back against the tree behind me. I wasn't going after him.

"_Why not?"_ half of me demanded. The other half—my pride, primarily—floundered for a good reason, before finally thinking of a few. Because I hate him. _Then use him_. Because the idea of _him_ is disgusting. _Why?_ That one surprised me, even as I thought it. It wasn't like he was ugly, smelled bad, or was just generally unsavory. Most would argue with that, but I saw no reason as to why that was. What was wrong with slaughtering demons and humans? Absolutely nothing. It was nothing I had not done. So, why did I hate him again? I blinked as I recalled why—Rin. He had threatened Rin's life. If not for that, I would have no problems with him. Then again, Rin was just another human. As much as it saddened me, she would be dead in around forty years anyway. I didn't want to think about that, though.

I tried to push this idea away—to go to Naraku. But the idea was driving me utterly mad. And I wanted to kill him for that part too. But I _could_ use him first. He was right; it was pathetic that I was this old and still a virgin, and I wasn't going to lose it any time soon otherwise—I liked being a guy too much. And Naraku already knew anyway. And I was just going to kill him in any case. There was really no reason not to do this except my own pride. Of course, usually that was reason enough for me.

But this was strange. I _wanted_ to kick my pride to the side this time. Was I really pushing aside my pride, anyway? Not really. I didn't think so. Why did I think that? I had never second-guessed myself either. What was happening to me?

I was going insane, wasn't I? Too many people had found out about my gender-queer problems and my brain had responded by politely damning myself to hell. Fuck, it doesn't really matter any more, does it?

Why should I pass this up, anyway?

I looked up at the sky. He had left me a clear path to follow, staying close to the trees, where his scent would stay a bit longer. I hesitated, then rose to my feet, following the scent like a bloodhound.


	10. Chapter Ten: I am Sesshomaru

**Chapter Ten**

_I am Sesshomaru_

_What are you?_

The voice was persistent now. Even more persistent than was usual for it. Probably because, for the first time in my life, I was successfully ignoring it, to my delight and its displeasure. It didn't bother me. The voice _wasn't_ _bothering_ _me_. That almost never happened. I had always felt how it had desired of me to feel when the echo of that cursed memory rang in my ears, as if it were actually audible and not locked in the safe house of my mind. Once I had locked it away forever, it could no longer haunt me. I would finally be free.

_What are you?_

I wanted to laugh. Who am I? I smiled softly to myself. No one was around to see it, and if anyone had, it was so slight a movement that no one would have noticed it anyway. I am Sesshomaru-sama. I'm the true heir to Inutaisho. The last of the (purebred) dog demons. I'm dangerous, intelligent, and beautiful—the most deadly combination there was. I am the Lord of the West.

I am Sesshomaru-sama.

My pace was precise, sure, and confident as ever. I knew where I was going, who I was going to, and what I wanted and will do when I got there. Everything seemed _right_ at the moment. Inuyasha was going to die, and I was going to kill him. I was going to kill Naraku too. But first, I was going to use him and betray him. Why not let him have a bit of enjoyment before then? I was going to enjoy myself too. Mostly, I was going to enjoy it because the voice was beginning to yield and leave me. Was it because I was going to kill Inuyasha? Was it because of what I was doing _right now_? I didn't know, and, quite frankly, didn't care. It was going away, and that was what mattered. The results were what mattered, not the process with which those results came about.

_What are you?_

The voice of my late father was becoming desperate. It was pleading with me to partake in the banter… begging for me to fall into despair at the sound of it. I smiled again. Not again—not ever again, Father!

Even in death, he sought to demean me, to make me believe that Inuyasha was somehow better than me. He wanted me to believe that I was scum and Inuyasha was a god, was that it?

When I had learned of Father's human pet, I had flew into a rage. He had kept her hidden from me, for her own safety. Father committed an act of bestiality by being with her. At first, before he said that he loved her, I had not particularly cared. So my crazy father had a human pet. Big deal. I had always known the demon was a bit eccentric (look at his best friends, for an example), but having sex with a mortal was utterly repulsive.

_What are you?_

_What are _you? I shot back to the voice mentally, pleased with myself. It was not going to tear me down any more. I was not going to succumb to it any more. I would not be controlled by a memory of Father's voice. Not any more, and not ever again. I was strong, and getting stronger.

I had finally looked this problem eye to eye and discovered something of value. I was winning over Father. He may be dead, but I could still defeat him, if I just defeated this echoing voice. Father was losing. Inuyasha was losing. And I was winning.

I was better than them. Stronger than them. And I was proving it now, even as I walked toward Naraku's castle. I was rising triumphant over the voice that had haunted my life for so long. The voice that had shaken me so badly that, for a long, long time, I had locked it away. I had buried it deep inside my memories. When it had surfaced, it almost crushed me.

But I was winning now, and there was nothing a dead youkai could do about it. And there was nothing a soon-to-be-dead hanyou could do either.

_What are you?_

The voice sounded almost panicked, but was still distinctly my father's. It was strange. The voice pattern was the same, the pitches the same. In fact, nothing had changed. But there were panicked undertones to the voice now. Almost... desperate.

This memory was my last link to my father's voice. I had almost forgotten it. I _wanted_ to forget it. Once you forget a person's voice, you can forget their face, their scent, their touch… Sometimes, you forget the person entirely.

That was what I wanted.

But it wasn't what the father that haunted my mind wanted. He wanted to humiliate me, shame me into admitting I was female just to lose and rid myself of this voice in the way it had wanted me to. I had struggled with it for so long, and had finally found a way to end it forever, and I did not have to admit defeat to do so.

The memory screamed for attention that I would not give. It wailed, pounding against the barriers I had erected around my consciousness. I easily pushed it back. It was like a ningen trying to kill a youkai. It was a wasted effort. But it was persistent like a ningen. But my consciousness had the will and stamina of a youkai, and would not yield to such slime.

I was better than my father.

I was better than my half-brother.

I was winning, and they were losing.

_What are you?_

The voice had risen to a wail of desperation. I laughed softly. The memory finally drifted away like snow in the wind. It had lost, and had recognized defeat. My father's voice faded away into nothingness, like it should.

Then it came back, meekly this time. _What are you?_ It sounded as though my father thought I was a monster—a monster that would crush him as he had sought to crush my will and resolve. He did think I was a monster—an abomination. An utter failure and disgrace, because of the gender I pretended to be. He hated me for my life choices, and I would never forgive him for such a petty thing.

And it wasn't disgraceful to commit bestiality? Did I not have a right to hate him for his life choices? His had done much more harm than I had. Youkai and ningens alike had died because of my father's life choices. I had harmed none, yet I was the monster? It was laughable.

I smiled—one last time. "Father, I'm Sesshomaru-sama. 'The destruction of the circle of life.' Beware. I am sending the child you love so much to you."


	11. Chapter Eleven: Free

**Chapter Eleven**

_Free_

I walked into the castle as if I belonged there. I passed the courtyard, looking straight ahead, my eyes on the door. I walked up the steps and slid open the door. I followed the path where Naraku's scent was strongest. The entire place smelled like him, but it was fairly easy to tell where he was, even without his aura guiding me to him. He had to know that I was here too.

Someone else might be having second thoughts at this point, but not this Sesshomaru.

He was waiting for me, as I had thought. A door that led to the outdoors was slid open, and he was staring out of it, as if he were lost in thought. He didn't even seem to notice my entrance for a moment. Finally, he turned his head when I entered the room.

"Why are you here?" he asked, though he knew perfectly well. Maybe he just wanted to hear me say it.

I stepped into the room, sliding the door shut behind me. "You said you wanted me before. I considered it, and decided to grant your wish."

A smirk touched his lips. "Did my kiss influence you?"

I quirked an eyebrow. "That had little to do with my overall decision," I said. It was true. Most of it was my intent to kill him, and use him. Then there was the curiosity.

He frowned, then looked back outside. "Then what was it?"

I moved beside him without a sound, my breath barely grazing his exposed neck. "You already know... about my problem. And, I want to use you."

He turned to look at me. "Hm." A slow smile graced his cool lips. "I want to use you too." He kissed me again. At first, I was swept away in the icy confusion again. Then I closed my eyes and my lips molded to his, as if something as simple as closing my eyes had cleared my mind of the confusion. He slowly moved his hands to my cheeks. I started to pull away instinctively, then consented and rolled my tongue over his lips. I felt his hands on my cheek, gliding back to feel my hair. One of his hands trailed down to my waist, running his fingertips over the knot there. I opened my eyes. He already had his eyes open, waiting for my consent once more. He was going to be slow. He wasn't going to push me. He was still afraid of me. Good. It meant that I was still in control.

I gave a very slight nod and deepened the kiss with my tongue. Slowly, he untied the knot, letting it fall to the floor in a rustle of silk and a loud, banging noise when my two swords also hit the floor. He touched my armor experimentally, testing its weight. He pulled back, frowning. "How can you stand to haul that around?" he demanded, even as he pulled it away with two tentacles and gently set it and my "fluffy" on the floor.

"I am stronger than you, Naraku," I answered.

He raised an eyebrow. "Maybe. We'll find out, though, won't we?" Yes, and not in the way we had before. That would come later. For now… He hesitated at the silk of my kimono, already beginning to slide away on its own. I turned from him and did it myself, pulling off my shoes, taking my time. I turned back to him, and he was naked too. This was how we were. How our bodies looked without clothing. It was amazing what clothing could do. It could help me masquerade as a man, or make Naraku look aristocratic when he wasn't. Strangely, I didn't feel exposed. Rather, I felt free. The voice was gone, defeated.

I had won.

And here I was. A breeze blew in from the open door, blowing our hair as we embraced each other. His hand slid over the stump of my left arm regretfully, before engaging me in a heated kiss. My return kiss was almost savage. It seemed to surprise him. He tried to return the same kiss to me. I caught his lower lip in my mouth, teasing it with my fangs, before slowly puncturing it. He gave a small gasp and I released him, lapping at the blood eagerly. He finally seemed to gain some courage and ran his hands along my hips. I was getting annoyed with his fear of me.

I grabbed his left hand and put it on my breast, as I sank my fangs into his shoulder, then lapped at the blood that flowed there. He still seemed to worry. Well, then, I would have to influence him. I could feel his erection, so what was holding him back?

I pushed myself against him, frustrated at his uncharacteristic hesitance. I grabbed the tie that held back his hair and shredded it with a claw, his ebony hair falling against his back, once more framing his face. Why was he still so frozen?

Fine, then. Did I have to do everything? I suddenly withdrew, taking a step back. He looked at me, confused. That was when I flung him onto the futon. He landed roughly and looked up at me as I approached. I came down to my knees and pushed him back down, leaning in to kiss him softly. Maybe he would relax if I weren't acting like it was a quest for dominance. My plan worked. He grabbed me by my waist and in one fluid movement, reversed positions so that he was on top of me. I raked my claws along his chest, piercing the flesh and drawing blood. He moaned.

I trailed my hand along his spine and buried my fingers in his hair. My hand clenched into a fist and I pulled his head back with such force that it would have killed a ningen. "What are you waiting for?" I demanded in a low growl before I released him. He sort of twitched, but said nothing. He positioned himself, looking at me, seeking approval. I growled in frustration, and he gently pushed himself in. I flinched. I almost pulled away on instinct, then pushed the desire to move away or push him away down. He buried himself inside of me, sighing with delight as my face twisted into one of pain. I arched my back, gasping, shaking. He kissed my lips softly.

"Shh. I'll take care of you," he promised me. My claws dug into his back, burying themselves in his flesh. He flinched, but seemed to quite genuinely enjoy it. He slowly began to move inside me. It was painful first, then just uncomfortable. But, slowly, I began to enjoy the way it felt. When he realized that I was no longer in pain, he once more gained confidence and thrust harder, deeper.

Why had I not done this before?

The question was pushed from my mind when I screamed in ecstasy. It encouraged Naraku. Good. I could feel his sweat on me, and mine on him, the two different scents intermingling. I could smell it. I could hear every tiny moan that escaped his lips—moans that I tried to capture with my own, but often could not because of his movements. I settled for caressing him, licking him, kissing him, sometimes biting him.

I could taste the miasma in his blood, and it delighted me. Poison in a time like this—a poison that could never kill me. I loved the thought of it, though.

Naraku's black hair mingled with my silver hair—a cheap imitation of the night sky. I was the diamond facets against a sea of darkness. His red ruby eyes complimented my gold ones, like rubies set against gold. We were perfect opposites, and yet, very similar in a lot of ways.

I would enjoy killing him.

Even more than I enjoyed this. I wanted to spill his blood on the ground and watch him die. Would it be as sweet as watching his face contort into that of pleasure? He finally screamed his release and rolled off of me, exhausted, panting. I sat up immediately and looked at him. I wanted to get away, but I felt dizzy. I slowly lowered myself back down. I didn't want to be near him, but my legs wouldn't move. My body just wanted to lie down, even though my mind screamed to get away. Why? I was in no danger…

No, that wasn't it. I just didn't want to be near the person I had had sex with. That was it. His fingertips gently grazed my cheekbone. "You're beautiful," he told me. I made no response. I closed my eyes. Was I safe enough to sleep here? It was dark outside… Already? How could that be? Had that much time really elapsed? I blinked in surprise. "After you kill Inuyasha, consider… Not making me your enemy again."

Yes, it was safe for me to sleep here. So long as he thought he loved me.

I just wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to sleep and forget about my problems. The dreams wouldn't come, because I was free.

The psychological chains my father had bound me in were broken, and I had become free.


	12. Chapter Twelve: Pool of Memories

**Chapter Twelve**

_Pool of Memories_

When I woke, Naraku was staring at me. He had the pendant on my necklace—the one that altered my voice—between two fingers. He was looking at me as if I were an insect under glass. I considered punching him, then decided against it. And if you think that that is rash, you try waking up to have a pair of eerie red eyes staring at you, particularly when they belong to someone with an equally eerie personality, combined with that he had once tried to kill you by absorbing you into his flesh, among other attempted things.

Instead I pried his fingers away from the pendant and let it thump back against my chest. I sat up, turning my back to him. My heat was over. We could kill them today. And we were going to. But first, I wanted to take a bath.

"What does your real voice sound like?" Naraku wondered suddenly.

I rose to my feet and glanced back at him. I myself had not heard my real voice in centuries. What _did_ it sound like? Curious myself, I removed the necklace. I looked at the pendant for a moment, then back at Naraku. "Does it matter?" The sound of my own voice surprised me. It sounded similar to my "usual" voice, but that was all. The pitches and tones were much lighter, naturally. But they were both distinctly similar. I had forgotten that. It seems that I had forgotten many things. Unimportant and trivial as they were, I still felt something akin to loss at that, then the feeling was gone.

"Beautiful." I moved to my discarded clothing and gathered them. I could come back for everything else later. I started to follow the scent to the bath house, then stopped and grabbed Tokijin. I didn't trust Naraku, regardless of anything that may have happened yesterday. He seemed to find that objectionable; I could tell by the disapproving scowl he was giving me. "Why don't you trust me? I could have killed you while you slept."

I raised an eyebrow. "Why do you seem to trust me? I could have killed you too."

But we hadn't. Not yet. For now, we both needed each other. By the end of the day, we wouldn't. And then it would be a showdown between the two of us. But for the time being, we both really were safe in each other's presence—safe enough, anyway. But I wasn't going to let my guard down, not even for a moment. He could be foolish if he desired to be.

Not caring if anyone saw me, I walked out into the hallway and wandered to the bath house. Kanna saw me, but the emotionless, lack-of-personality child wouldn't say anything even if it did interest her. And I doubted anything interested her. If I were emotionless, that would make her dead in comparison. I imagined that, if I were to slice her apart, she wouldn't even make a sound, and her facial expression wouldn't flicker for a moment. That was something I marveled at. I came close to such extremes, but in that respect, this incarnation beat me.

I helped myself to the bathing oil and soap that was in the bath house. They were there to be used, anyway. I took my time cleansing myself, washing off Naraku's scent, until I smelled purely like myself. I didn't notice my own smell; you grow accustomed to the distinct way you smell don't notice it, but I was told once that I smelled like dog, and something spicy. So, basically, I smelled like some kind of Chinese dish? The demon who had off-handedly mentioned that, so long ago, had become frightened that I was angry, and had apologized and tried to redeem herself. But I knew what she had meant. It was strange that I should think of so many arbitrary memories and stray thoughts at this crucial point in my life.

This was hardly the time to become reflective.

I moved my hand out of the water and picked up my necklace from the floor. I fingered the pendant for a moment. It sparkled in the light, the water adding to its luster. I slipped the chain back over my head. My neck felt odd without the slight weight of the necklace that I had grown so used to over all these years. I climbed out of the bath, water droplets dripping on the floor. I tossed my hair automatically, like a dog. It was a habit that came back when I was thinking about other things, sneaking up on me like a thief in the night. Too much time spent in my true form, I suppose.

I wondered how Rin was doing. After I had killed Inuyasha and Naraku, I would go back to her.

I toweled off, dressed (which is more difficult than it used to be; you try putting on an elaborate outfit with only one arm), and combed my hair. My hair was probably my favorite personal attribute.

Once, while my father and I were arguing after I had made the decision that I was really male at heart, he had pinned me in place and sliced off my hair at the nape of my neck. I had almost burst into tears at the sight of my beautiful hair lying on the floor. He had told me, in a scornful way, to "be a man."

Since then, I had stubbornly let it grow out, and I had no intention of doing anything but trimming it. And if it grew so long that it trailed on the ground, so be it. But I was never going to cut it. Except, if it did that… Then it would be dirty. Maybe I would have to learn to braid with one hand. Or have Rin do it. She would love to. Except, a demon's hair grows fairly slowly. By the time it was that long, Rin would be nothing but a memory.

I felt a twinge of sadness before I came to realize something. There had been no pain when I thought of my father. It was just like any other memory, triggering no emotion at all. It was just as bland as any other pointless memory. I was elated. That was definitely an improvement from just a couple of days ago.

I touched the pendant again. Today. Today would be Inuyasha's last day of life. And he had no idea.

Naraku suddenly opened the door. I looked at him. He looked slightly disappointed that I was already dressed. "Indulge me--just once. Before we become enemies again."

I frowned. What was he getting at? "What do you want now?" Then my gaze fell to the silken items he had in his hands. I struggled to control my body from trying to transform in response to my anger. It was a dress. A damned dress. Oh, gods, I was going to kill him. But not now. I could kill him later. In the meantime, though… "Naraku…" I growled.

"Humor me."

"No," I said flatly. My tone was meant to be perfectly clear that this would be the end of the conversation.

Naraku obviously noticed this, but ignored it. "Why not?" he demanded.

My face wanted to twist into a grimace, but I refrained. I pushed past him. "Never."

He trailed after me. "But you'll look so… _good_ in a dress."

I had a sudden image of ripping his head off and sticking it on a pike while I roasted his body on a spit, knowing full well that he wouldn't die from something like that, so he could watch me doing it. I pushed the image aside and took a calming breath. It didn't really help though. "The idea sickens me," I responded coldly.

Why was I always plagued with such utter morons?


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Time's Up

**Chapter Thirteen**

_Time's Up_

There was nothing to do now but to wait. I watched the events unfold in Kanna's mirror, with only minimal interest. Inuyasha took the bait like a good mongrel and left the rest of the group, sending Kagura and some other reincarnation to deal with the others. I quickly lost interest and walked away. Naraku had to draw this out—make sure that his reincarnations had enough time to kill them. If he quickly withdrew, or wasn't careful, Inuyasha would rush back to the others, or realize that it was a trap. Naraku loved traps; that was probably the only reason he had consented to this. That, and I was the one who suggested it. But I think that only made the entire idea sweeter.

I wandered off, into the surrounding woodlands. Inuyasha, being the daft fool he had always been, probably wouldn't even consider what was taking his friends so long. He would just be intent on "defeating" Naraku.

Too bad, Inuyasha. Today, I was going to kill you, and _I _was going to kill Naraku afterwards.

I'm an awfully arrogant bitch, aren't I?

It seemed I had lost track of the time. I could smell Inuyasha. But he wasn't headed toward Naraku… He was trying to find me. Time for Plan B. I looked at the insect that had accompanied me and nodded. It flew off to tell Naraku.

I didn't like Plan B. It involved Naraku coming to us. Ah, well. The result would be the same. I could wait for his arrival. He had better be fit for another fight. This had to be believable.

I stopped walking when I could hear Inuyasha as well as smell him. He was crashing through the forest. Tensaiga called out to Tetsusaiga. That was so annoying—announcing each other's arrivals. One day… One day that wouldn't happen any more.

He stumbled before me, panting heavily, sweat and dirt caked to his skin, with a look of sheer desperation on his face. It wasn't the face I was used to—the one usually so full of fire and burning passion. This was just… desperation.

The opposite of life isn't death, you know. Death was reversible, either through Tensaiga or reincarnation. Life was what was permanent. So, the opposite of life was… desperation. That moment in one's life where they are desperate, willing to give up anything for that one thing, even if it was one's own life, because the act of desperation was more extreme than death. Particularly in humans, and Inuyasha was, after all, a stupid hanyou. I had never experienced the emotion of desperation. I probably never would. While it existed in both humans and demons, demons only very rarely felt it. In that respect, it was a lot like love.

"Sesshomaru…" he said, looking at Tensaiga. "I… Kagome… Miroku, Sango, Shippo… You have to…"

"I don't care," I informed him, then began to walk away, slowly heading toward the castle. He must really be desperate if he was coming to _me_ for help. I liked that. He was learning the meaning of ultimate suffering—when everything you know and care about is no longer there beside you. But it still wasn't enough.

"No!" he wailed. I paused, bemused. "Look, I'll…" Then he realized something. The one thing that might entice me. He grabbed Tetsusaiga, holding it tightly in two hands in its sheath. "I'll give you the Tetsusaiga for Tensaiga."

I was intrigued. Inuyasha coveted the sword more than his own life. Even when it meant I might kill him, he would still rather not relinquish the sword. But the death of his companions had brought him to this. Was he so desperate that he wasn't willing to risk losing to me, because if he lost, then that would mean it was the end for his friends as well? Fascinating. But I was also angry. He only was willing to give it to me when I no longer desired it above all things. I turned around. A glimmer of hope reflected in his eyes. I longed to crush it. "Father left this useless sword to me." _As his useless child._ Damn that voice. It would be gone once I destroyed Inuyasha. And I would destroy Tetsusaiga. I couldn't wield it anyway, and it was better than human or maybe even half-demon taking it. "I cannot wield Tetsusaiga anyway. It is worthless to me."

I turned away again. I wanted to hear him beg me. I wanted to hear the proud Inuyasha stoop even lower as the desperation and panic set in strong. He gave me what I wanted. "No! Sesshomaru!" he wailed. I glanced at him. I wanted to see his face. His eyes were watering. Delicious. I wondered how much I could make those eyes water—from pain. "I'll…" He hung his head in defeat. "I won't fight you. Kill me, but please bring back Kagome!"

This idiot was willing to forfeit his life for a mortal? I should laugh myself sick. The girl would be dead in a few quick years anyway. _So would Rin_. "I am intrigued, Inuyasha," I confessed. "But I can kill you at any time and take your sword. There is nothing you can give that I desire."

It wasn't within his power to give it to me. I wanted Father's approval. The reality of that hit me like a tsunami. I really did want Father's approval. Just once… But it was never to be. The most I could ever receive was his scorn, his hatred, and his disapproval. Where was Naraku? He really should have been here by now.

Speak of the devil, and he will appear—Naraku chose that moment to make his overly dramatic entrance. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as he immediately attacked Inuyasha. I made a show of pretending to fight him as well, then another point of pushing Inuyasha to the side and attacking Naraku. I tilted my head slightly, looking out of the corner of my eyes at Naraku. I raised one finger off of the hilt of my sword. That was the signal. He nodded. Now, we would both attack Inuyasha, injure him, and then Naraku would leave, feigning fleeing because of wounds.

Time's up, little brother.


	14. Chapter Fourteen: End of All Hope

**Chapter Fourteen**

_End of All Hope_

Naraku and I put on a good front for Inuyasha. As the battle progressed, though, I grew angrier with my half-brother. He was so irksome, so idiotic. I really couldn't stand my little brother, so there was no real acting involved when I suddenly turned on him and ran him through with Tokijin. He was so unprepared, so unexpecting. It was a moment I would cherish for the rest of my long life. The way his blood had filled the air… The way he had gasped in surprise and pain. Such a pleasant moment for me. I would even go so far as to call it divine. Inuyasha had used the Wind Scar, and I was behind him. When he was distracted, I had injured him. I treasured the moment I had ran up behind him and drove the blade through the fire-rat fabric, piercing the flesh of his back and mingling with his intestines, then breaking free again from his stomach. His lips parted to gasp, eyes widening. Tetsusaiga fell from his hands, tumbling away, rolling a little down a slope, farther away from him.

I pulled out the blade. My little brother fell to his knees, holding one hand to his chest. I turned toward Naraku and came for him. He made a hasty escape, tossing a bit of banter my way, inviting me to come after him. I wondered if it was really all for show. He really did want me to come with him, but he knew what my answer would be. He knew that he was next. He would be running now, so I had to be quick about this.

Inuyasha looked up at me. He reached out for Tetsusaiga. In one quick movement, so fast that he could never have seen it coming, I cut off his arm at the elbow. He screamed. I smiled. Now he knew how it felt—how _I_ had felt. I had grown to be a very bitter demon. "How does it feel, Inuyasha?" I asked him. He dove for his sword. I knocked him away from it.

This was the end of all hope Inuyasha would ever have for life. I was the end. I swung my sword once, cutting his head clean off. I turned away before the body hit the ground with a dull thud, more blood spilling onto the earth. I took Tetsusaiga's sheath and went to the sword. Carefully, I put it in the sheath, reminded of the barrier every time I touched it. I put the Tetsusaiga with my other two swords. I had a fine assortment of swords now, didn't I? Quite a strange collection indeed.

For once, I was grateful for not having two arms. If I did, every time I accidentally brushed my left arm against Tetsusaiga, its barrier would react and scorch my flesh. As it was, though, I was fine.

I took to the air, hunting down Naraku. He would die today. Today, and no other day.

Kagura was the first to confront me. She didn't seem to want to though. In fact, it was just a show of fighting, and she _let_ me kill her. She opened herself up to my attack and let it fall upon her. But it was all right. She was free too now. She had become the wind. That was what she said as she died, anyway. "I am the wind… I'm finally free," she whispered as her body faded into nothingness. A cool breeze lifted my hair off of my shoulders, and it smelled like Kagura—like Naraku. It changed directions. She was showing me the way. I nodded my head in an expression of gratitude to her for helping me.

Kanna was up next. I was feeling a little insulted at all this, and I really didn't have the time for it. I destroyed her as well, as quickly as I could, headed for my victim. It took me over an hour to find him. He was inside his usual barrier, but I broke it down with the Tetsusaiga, even though it cost me a burned palm.

No matter. This was the end of all hope. For him, for Inuyasha.

And it was the beginning for me.


	15. Chapter Fifteen: Naraku's End

**Chapter Fifteen**

_Naraku's End_

Naraku looked up at me, his ruby eyes having an alien trait to them. It was fear. He also had a strong desire to live. Was that the human side of him that strove for life? Why? Naraku was such a sadistic, selfish bastard. What did he really have here that was worth staying for? He was better off in hell. The thought, though, raised questions for myself. Why was _I _here? What did _I _have worth living for? Conquest, victory, honor, to accomplish my goals. An image of Rin passed briefly through my mind's eye. "It doesn't have to be this way," he insisted. I raised an eyebrow. "Wait! What is it you want? I'll give it to you."

I sighed. "I desire your death." His eyes widened. I slammed Tokijin through his face, and his body shattered, thus the less than noble death of Naraku. All of this fuss, all this time that demons and humans and those in between had sought to kill this half-demon… And I had ended it all with one single blow. The slightest thing can forever change the world, couldn't it? One life, one movement, one decision… It really could change everything, couldn't it? It could alter lives, end lives, create new lives, and… Change the world. With every breath any living creature draws… It's affecting the world, changing it—for better, or worse.

What was _my_ affect on the world?

I couldn't answer that. But, sometimes, one is simply too close to the puzzle to see the correct answer, and some were too far. Someone else might be able to tell me—someone who was at that perfect distance-- but I would probably never see the answer to that question myself. It may have bothered most people that they could not tell if what they were doing was good or evil, but it did not bother me. I wasn't evil, per se. But one could not call me a good person either. I am a demon, after all. Even so, though, if my actions alone were what really counted…

I was selfish, egotistical, and a bitch, with few truly redeeming qualities. But had I ever committed truly evil deeds? Of course not. Hmm. Maybe I wasn't too close, after all. I was also thinking too deeply about it. It seemed all I ever did was think and reflect on useless things any more. It was probably partly do to my very nature to want to understand, to know. But, to discover myself? It was the first time, to be honest… That I had ever had a desire to learn about myself. There was still a lot to know about myself, I realized. And I had my immortal life to learn all about me.

_Rin doesn't_. I pushed that aside. Rin was just a human. A human's life was fleeting, like the beating of a butterfly's wings. That was what made humans so interesting. Demons cared little for life because they had so much of it. Humans valued it because they had so little. Interesting concept.

I turned to leave, but something caught my eye. It sparkled amidst the dust and earth, calling to me, seeking my attention. The Shikon no Tama. I started to leave again, not caring for it.

My thighs ached from the night before. It had been good, but I still wondered what it would be like if I were a man. I thought… That would be better. I really did hate my body.

Then I stopped in my tracks as a thought occurred to me. It will grant a wish, won't it? Any wish at all?

I lifted the jewel from the ground and wiped the dirt off with my thumb. _Any wish at all?_

I turned, and looked up at the twilight sky. What, above anything else in the entire world, in the entire plane of existence, did I truly desire?


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Wish

**Chapter Sixteen **

_Wish _

I looked at the completed Shikon Jewel, holding it between two fingers as I debated with myself on what to do with it. So much had happened because of this small thing. Lives had been wasted and lost hunting it down and trying to keep it or obtain it. All of that… for something so small I could hold it in the palm of my hand. Jaken was staring at me, watching me in awe. That wasn't unusual for him. He revered me as if I were a god. Little did he know that I was more of a goddess. He had known that I had no interest in the Shikon no Tama, so he was probably wondering why I had it to begin with. Rin didn't really care. She was just glad I was back after leaving them for such a long time. Besides, she probably didn't know what this was. To her, it probably just looked like a smooth, polished bit of pink jewel. But this was much more than that.

Finally, Jaken asked me one of the many questions he had. I suppose my facial expression (that of deep thought) had kept him silent all this time, but he could bear it no longer. "Did you defeat Inuyasha?"

I glanced at him. I had expected a question about the jewel. "Yes."

Jaken looked positively gleeful. He spouted off about me for a solid ten minutes, which basically entailed how wonderful I am and horrifying things like that—things that I really could have lived quite contentedly without ever hearing again. However, I said nothing, and let him ramble to a stop on his own. I really didn't like the sound of his voice, but after a while, you learn to tune it out. He finally stopped, then started babbling about, basically, how I felt about Inuyasha (which had become his opinions, as well) and how the hanyou had deserved the death I had given him. Now, he asked me for details, anxiously looking at me with that idiotic, hopeful look on his amphibious face.

"I cut off his head."

Jaken applauded happily. Rin just frowned. She didn't really understand why I hated Inuyasha so much, but I supposed she didn't really care that much either. Jaken launched into another obnoxious peal about my glory. I had a desire to knock him into silence, but that would involve moving toward him, or throwing something at him—both of which required more effort than Jaken was worth. So, I let him ramble again and he finally fell silent. He looked at the Shikon no Tama in my hand.

"Sesshomaru-sama, what's that?" Rin asked, crawling onto my lap, peering at it.

"It is the Shikon no Tama."

She blinked. "What _is_ it, though?"

"Stupid girl!" Jaken snapped. He was coming dangerously close to being kicked. "The Shikon no Tama is the combination of four souls. It's said that it will grant anyone their wish."

"Is it real?" Rin wondered.

"Of course it's real!"

Rin frowned again. "No, I mean the legend."

Jaken paused. "Yes," he decided. He didn't really know that for a fact though. Jaken was the idiot, here, not Rin. Rin was just a human child. Jaken was older than I am, and he is a demon. He really has no excuse for being such an idiot. Rin would be dead in about forty years, at the most. I could almost smell death on her, it was so close. It didn't really seem fair. "So, Sesshomaru-sama, did you defeat Naraku as well?" I only nodded. He spouted off again. I ignored him.

I turned the jewel, watching it catch the moonlight. Any wish?

What did I desire?

I thought of all of the problems I had in life. I could fix them. Could I turn back time? Likely not. But I could do what I could now. I shifted the jewel again, watching the moonlight reflect off of its polished surface. Being a man… That would be ideal. And if it could change a hanyou into a full-blooded demon, then it should be able to do that for me.

Or, maybe… I wanted my father to accept me, but I doubted that the Shikon Jewel could do that. I had to wish for something that was within reason, at least.

But… what?


	17. Chapter Seventeen: Destroying

**Chapter Seventeen **

_Destroying Tetsusaiga_

I settled to decide on what to do with the Shikon no Tama later. Right now, I was going to go destroy Tetsusaiga. But how should I go about doing that? _Tokijin _could probably do it. It had before. I gave Jaken a few vague commands. He rushed off to do my bidding, utterly confused as to why I would want two large, even-sized stones.

The idea was that I would put the rocks near each other and balance one end of the fang on each rock, leaving an exposed midsection so that I could slice through it. Of course, Jaken had no idea of my intentions, so he was confused, which was nothing abnormal. I wondered if he was even capable of carrying the stones.

It should be interesting watching him try at any rate. If he couldn't, then I would send Aun to assist him. He came back in several minutes, dragging a stone, straining, panting, and heaving with the effort. "Where do you want me to put the stone, Sesshomaru-sama?" he gasped, still straining against its weight.

This was the point that would decide if I wanted to be cruel, or just get this over with. I settled for the second. "Leave it there." He looked relieved. He ran off again. The second stone took longer to locate and drag over to the other one, and was slightly larger than the first. That wouldn't do. I watched Jaken drag it to my specifications, then I had Aun step on the larger of the two, forcing it to sink into the ground until they were both of equal height. Careful to only touch the sheath, I removed Tetsusaiga from my other two swords. It would probably be faster if I removed the sheath. This should be interesting. I could have Rin do this with no problems, or I could make Jaken do it. I certainly was not going to burn my skin touching it again.

I glanced at Jaken, who was lying facedown in the grass, looking exhausted, worn, and slightly beaten up. "Rin," I said.

"Yes, my lord?" she asked, running up to me immediately.

I handed her the sword. "Draw the sword and set it on the two stones."

She was confused, but did as I commanded. She moved behind me. I drew Tokijin. Jaken and Rin were watching me as my plans dawned on them. Jaken was utterly confused, and Rin was merely curious.

"But, my lord, why would you want to destroy Tetsusaiga?" Jaken squeaked.

I glanced at him. "It is useless to me." I thought that was obvious.

"But…"

"Be quiet." He obeyed instantly. I raised Tokijin. Tensaiga pulsed. I glanced at it. It pulsed again, this time almost violently. In fact, it was shaking in its sheath. It didn't want me to do this? That was just too bad. I was going to destroy Tetsusaiga. It pulsed once more—with such force that it rocked my entire body. I was slightly annoyed now. I sheathed my more useful sword and drew Tensaiga, wondering what the sword had in mind. Curious, I raised it and then brought it down on Tetsusaiga. The sheer power from the combined swords rushed up my arm, flowing, for one instant, through my body, blinding me in white light. There was a sound like shattering teeth. I barely heard it through the blood rushing through my ears. The barrier on Tetsusaiga rushed over my body angrily. I gritted my teeth against the pain and it dissipated. When I could see again, I was staring at the two swords. Tensaiga was still in one piece, but Tetsusaiga was in two, and I felt no power from the broken halves. Instead… It had been instilled in Tensaiga, which was humming in a contented manner. The humming faded away as I lifted the sword, looking at it.

It had somehow absorbed all of the power of Tetsusaiga, and had destroyed its barrier. I had the strangest feeling that Tokijin could have destroyed the sword, though. And also, the nagging feeling at the back of my mind that, somehow, the Sword of Heaven had been seeking my approval. Well, it had gained my approval. In a way, I had Tetsusaiga, and it did not hurt me to wield it.

I was content too.


	18. Chapter Eighteen: Part A & B

(Some much-needed comic relief.)

**Chapter Eighteen: Part A **

_Flea Flees_

A lone figure walked over to the broken sword, and looked down at it with the sadness of one who had worked hard to make something only to have it destroyed. The sun's dying rays framed his frail-looking form. Sesshomaru had destroyed everything her father had desired. The figure just hoped that she was proud of herself.

Inuyasha was dead now. Inutaisho must be turning in his grave at the thought of the older, passionless child destroying the one who saw meaning in life. Why did things end up this way? Why did the child more deserving of life die?

The figure was frightened, though. What if Sesshomaru was still angry with him? He had better go in to hiding for a few centuries. Maybe go to the mainland… A flea demon hopped up on his shoulder.

"This is bad," Myoga commented, sounding like he was in a near panic.

Totosai looked at Myoga. "Very bad," he agreed. "Tensaiga will have absorbed the power of Tetsusaiga. Combined with Tokijin…"

"No one is safe!" Myoga squealed. "Totosai, Sesshomaru may come after you for not forging him a sword! We must flee!"

He considered, but he didn't have to think about it long. Sesshomaru had defeated Inuyasha, his friends, and Naraku—all in the same day. Surely, now she was unstoppable? He nodded once. " Japan isn't safe for us any more, so long as Sesshomaru is alive."

"We'll have to leave until either Sesshomaru matures enough to get over a… er, few petty disputes, or dies. The latter is more likely." Myoga hopped anxiously along Totosai's shoulder. "We have no time to waste! Sesshomaru could already be looking for us!" Totosai readily agreed to that as well, and they wasted no time in fleeing Japan for their lives.

**Chapter Eighteen: Part B **

_ Comic Relief_

Inuyasha was utterly confused. He had always imagined hell to be sort of flamey and frightening, and such, because his father's grave site had certainly been an eerie enough place. However, this place was exactly the opposite. There was a red light district, a long line of unnecessary bars, bathhouses, and other things that dead people really didn't need but had been luxuries in the world of the living. The weirdest bit was that no one seemed to particularly care about if they were youkai, human, or hanyou. Basically, the entire place was a relaxing kind of paradise. It was rather surprising, and definitely bland to Inuyasha's tastes. But what was the currency? Past deeds, of course. Once you used them all up, you were reincarnated again.

Bad deeds and good deeds counted as the same. Basically, it was about how much he had accomplished in your life. He was going to be here for a long time, wasn't he? He supposed he could go on a major spending spree and get reincarnated as quickly as possible. However the hell that worked. Ha. Hell. That could take a while though, considering how long his father had been here.

His father…! He could finally meet him! He sniffed the air, trying to pick up something like a dog demon. But, because everyone was dead, scents were only barely there to begin with. No one moved like they were in a hurry; they had an eternity if they wished it.

"Lecher!"

Sango and Miroku? He followed the sound. Miroku had been trying (and failing) to enter the red light district. Sango was dragging him away. They both stopped. "Inuyasha?" she wondered.

"Oh, did Naraku get you too?"

Inuyasha looked away. "No…"

"Stop blaming me for everything!" Naraku yelled, walking up behind them.

"It's _your_ fault we're here!" Shippo yelled back, jumping on Miroku's shoulder. His parents were with Shippo. That was good anyway… It seemed that they had all lost any kind of fear for anything. It wasn't like they could really be hurt anyway.

"If it weren't for you, then we would still be alive."

"A lot of people would be alive," a random demon hissed. It appeared that Naraku had a lot of enemies down here, for they all seemed to be crowding around him in an ominous mass. Naraku looked nervous.

"Eh…" he said, then ran for his afterlife. The ominous mass followed him, while accumulating more souls in the crowd. Apparently, Naraku was going to spend his entire afterlife being chased by vengeful souls. It wasn't like he didn't deserve it, though. Inuyasha just blinked.

"Hey, have you, er… Seen…" Inuyasha began to say, then stopped.

"Inuyasha!" Kagome screeched. "You too?"

"Yeah, who killed _you_, Inuyasha?"

This was terribly embarrassing. "Eh… Um…" he stuttered. He looked around, but there was no escape. "It was just…" He really didn't want to admit this. Should he just make something up? What was more embarrassing—telling the truth, or saying he and Naraku killed each other? Of course, Naraku would tell the truth, so… Hmm. Well, what a dilemma. Because he didn't know what to do, he did what he is most used to doing when confronted with something he wanted to avoid—he turned to run off (as there was nothing to attack), but ran right into Jakotsu. Oh, gods… _Anyone_ but him… He had never before encountered such an utterly annoying opponent. At least all of his other opponents hadn't tried to seduce him…

"Inuyasha!" he squealed with glee and "glomped" him. Despite his best efforts, Inuyasha found that the dead ningen's grip was like iron and he could not dislodge him. To his surprise, it was Bankotsu who ripped him off. Bankotsu looked angry—very angry. He looked up at his leader. "Of course, I like you too, Bankotsu-kun."

Bankotsu grabbed Jakotsu and started pulling him away against his will. Jakotsu got away from him and ran back to Inuyasha, this time controlling himself enough not to tackle him again. "You died! You gotta tell me how it ended! Give me _all_ the juicy details!" he said in his distinctly feminine voice, eyes shining.

Bankotsu tolerated this mildly. "Hey, how did you die?" he wondered.

Why was everyone suddenly so curious? Why did they _all_ have this insane desire to know? He took a step back, then another. "Inuyasha, just tell us!" Kagome snapped. She wanted to say "sit" but they were in hell, and… Well, you get it.

Inuyasha, seeing no escape, bowed his head in shame. "Sesshomaru killed me."

"Sesshomaru…?" Then Jakotsu remembered who that was. "Oh! So… Tell me how!"

Inuyasha couldn't take it any more and bolted. Jakotsu tried to run after him in an obsessive compulsive manner, but Bankotsu jealously hauled him backwards and pulled him away, in the other direction. Kagome started to go after him, then shrugged. She could always find him later. They had all the time in the world, after all.

"Inu.. yasha?" he heard someone say. He froze, one foot in the air. He turned in the direction of the voice and thought he may fall over. It was his father, with Izayoi hanging off of his arm. "What… happened?"

Inuyasha glared at him. "Your daughter cut off my head," he growled.

Inotaisho had such a sour look on his face that Inuyasha could almost taste it. "Sesshomaru…" he said through gritted teeth. "I'll… I don't know."

Well, on the bright side, Inuyasha could now get to know his father.


	19. Chapter Nineteen: Denial

**Chapter Nineteen**

_Denial_

I was sick. I hadn't been sick since I was a child. That alone infuriated me. What was really annoying, though, was keeping my sickness from Rin and Jaken. Aun probably knew how sick I was, and the other two were probably beginning to catch on, too. But, damn it. I was _not_ going to get sick. I couldn't afford to get sick. This was ridiculous. I, Sesshomaru, was immune to all poisons, most demon attacks were useless against me, and I was the most powerful youkai ever to exist. So, why the hell was I _sick_?!  
I was wondering all this as I vomited for the second time, and the thoughts were immediately swept away as the sickness possessed my mind once again. I wondered if it would ever let go. I felt weak at the knees, dizzy, and I just wanted to go to sleep. It was the middle of the day, and I had only been awake for seven or more hours, at the most. I had traveled out of earshot from the others, but they had to be suspicious by now… I had been doing this for a week. They absolutely had to wonder why I had been taking off frequently throughout the day. I coughed up a chunk of half-digested food. I watched it float down the stream in disgust. I couldn't get up yet. If I tried, I would just get dizzy again. My pounding headache had warned me of that much.

It had been a month since I had killed Inuyasha and Naraku, and it was like their spirits were taking vengeance on me by making me ill. I cupped a handful of water and put it to my lips, trying to wash out the awful taste in my mouth. Ugh. I should just stop eating. Eating only made it worse. At the same time, though, I was ravenously hungry _all the time_. Constantly hungry, cold, defensive, moody, and tired. I had told them to keep going. I could catch up later. I just wanted to go to sleep. I felt sick, and I wanted to sleep.

I stumbled in a very undignified, un-Sesshomaru-like fashion to a tree and leaned back against it. I closed my eyes. I felt utterly miserable. This was awful, not to mention very undignified and it left me in a very vulnerable position as well. The way that youkai liked to come after me if they thought they were powerful, it was like I had a bounty on my head. In reality, it was that I was renown for power, and some youkai didn't believe it, so thought to test me. In my condition, though…

I really could think of only one rational explanation, and I refused to put it to words. In fact, I refused to even let myself think it. As if, thinking it would make it real. Besides, the idea was insane. It just couldn't be… _Couldn't be…_

My eyes slid closed.

When I woke, it was because something was crawling on me. Something that smelled very much like Rin. I opened my eyes. It was Rin. I gave her a disapproving look. She had wandered off to look for me. Then I realized that she had been concerned. She looked at me.

"Sesshomaru-sama, are you okay? You look really pale. Are you sick?" she asked incredulously.

"Stupid girl! Leave Sesshomaru-sama alone!" Jaken yelled from somewhere amidst the forest. I could hear him running through the foliage—and he was not in the least bit quiet. I was amazed that the noise had not woken me. At the same time, I wasn't surprised. When I was sick, I had a tendency to pass out. I remembered that much from my childhood—it was like I was comatose when I was sick… It was probably my body trying to keep me still so I wouldn't make it worse.

Rin peered over at Jaken. "Master Jaken! Sesshomaru-sama is sick!"

I looked at her flatly. "I am not… sick," I said in the most level voice I could manage, considering what was being said. But my own voice betrayed my torn throat—a dead giveaway that I was, in fact, sick.

Jaken stared at me in shocked disbelief. "Sesshomaru-sama! Are you really sick?"

For an answer, I punched him and scowled at nothing in particular. "You are misguided," I insisted.

Rin was not so easily swayed. "But, Sesshomaru-sama, you are unwell." Rin suddenly remembered something; I could tell by the brightening of her eyes. "What about that half-demon with the herb garden… Jinenji?"

I had to fight to keep my eyes from widening. _He_ would know instantly. "I am fine," I continued to insist. I wondered who I was trying to convince—myself or Rin.

She didn't buy it, though. "But, Sesshomaru-sama… You've been throwing up, and you look really pale."

Ugh. Just stop… I pushed her off of me gently and stood up, sheer force of will alone keeping me from stumbling as dizziness swamped me. As it was, I didn't move until the dizziness had subsided. When it did, I walked away. They followed, Rin pestering me about being sick and Jaken telling her to shut up when she obviously was not going to. I managed to ignore her. I had spent years ignoring Jaken's rambling, and tuning out her voice was fairly simple as well.

_I really should be lying down right now_, I thought, beginning to feel lightheaded and sick again. The entire world looked like it was spinning. I put my hand on a tree trunk to support myself, leaning my forehead against the back of my hand.

"I knew it! You _are_ sick, Sesshomaru-sama," Rin said, quite concerned. I didn't like making her feel so anxious, but… I didn't want to succumb to some mere sickness. Damn, this was humiliating. I was just going to stop moving until everything stopped spinning and bleeding together in that annoying method it had taken to doing lately. If they weren't there, I would have slumped down and tried to go to sleep, but I wasn't going to.

"My lord, if you're sick, you shouldn't strain yourself," Jaken said. They were just concerned, yes, but it didn't make it any less irritating. He did have a point, though. Not that I was going to listen to him. I was much too headstrong for that.

I stubbornly kept walking, doing my best to ignore the way the ground was teeter-tottering. Apparently, it was too much for me in my weakened condition, because my eyes rolled to back of my head and I blacked out, falling to the ground.

_What are you?_

_Not this again…_

Hey, should Rin become immortal so Sesshy-kun doesn't have to watch her grow old and die, or should Sesshomaru be the selfish bitch she is and be a guy using the Shikon Jewel? The author of this fanfic just can't decide…


	20. Chapter Twenty: Choices

**Chapter Twenty**

_Choices_

When I came to, I was in a place I did not recognize immediately. I sniffed the air carefully. Rin and Jaken were nearby, and Aun was a little farther away. There were a few scents I didn't recognize—an old ningen and a hanyou. They must have followed through with their plan to drag me to Jinenji. Damn it. Jaken was going to learn just how displeased I was with him. Once I could stand up, anyway.

I made a vague attempt at getting up, but, as suspected, I couldn't manage with my head pounding the way it was. I still had not gained the courage to open my eyes. Somehow, I knew if I did, the world wouldn't make sense anyway.

Nevertheless, I forced my eyes open, pushing my own pain and fear of more aside. It was painful, and caused my headache to deepen from a throbbing to something akin to someone taking a mallet and pounding it against my skull. I did my best to ignore it (with little success).

I was in a small hut, laying on a blanket. The old woman was inside, grinding herbs with a mortal pestle. She looked at me. "Don't get up," she admonished. This ningen was _not_ going to order _me_ around! I flinched as I forced myself to sit up, holding my hand to my forehead, pushing two fingers to my temples and rubbing gently. "I told you." She shook her head. "You've got it bad."

"What do I have, ningen?" I hissed, expertly keeping the pain from touching my voice.

She knew better, though. "I think you already know." She raised one eyebrow at me. "You took a bad fall, you know. I had to look at the cut."

It was painful, but I looked down. Someone had removed my armor. I glanced around the room for it, careful not to move my head. It was sitting in the corner, with my swords. Good. But not having them wasn't the frightening part. I looked down at myself.

"Your arm."

I raised my arm, letting the sleeve fall back. Apparently, when I fell, I had landed primarily on my arm, and had injured my arm in the fall. By the cut to my clothes, I judged that it was my own armor that had pierced me. There was blood on the silk. Well, that was annoying. It was ruined, and now I had to get another one… But that wasn't the most annoying part of it either.

Why did my life go steadily from bad to worse within the past two months?

She would have had to remove the upper part of my kimono to help me. "I'm the only one who was there. I wouldn't let Rin or Jaken inside."

"Jinenji?"

She shook her head slightly. "Oh, no. Just me, and I won't say anything. But you'll have to do something about that child growing in your womb if you want to pretend you're male."

Was she suggesting… What I thought she was? I didn't have time to think about it. The stress of sitting up, moving, and trying to speak was too much and I fell back asleep again.

When I finally woke again, I felt a lot better. I wondered if it had not been that herb she had been grinding. I got up slowly. My headache was gone. That was a relief. I wandered outside and looked around. Rin was nearby, somewhere. Jaken had gone with her. Aun was asleep just beyond the garden the hanyou was tending to. The old woman was beside the door, drying herbs.

"Have you considered what to do with the child?" she asked me.

I looked at her. Kill it? Should I? It would definitely make like easier, if I just killed it. At the same time, though… It was mine. Of course, it was Naraku's too, but it wasn't like that mattered much to me. Who the other parent was is of no significance. He was nothing—the important thing was that it was mine. Could I really kill something that was a part of me, though? The thought that I was doubting I could kill something disgusted me. Of course I could. It was all the damned female emotions surfacing. That was all. That was the reason I was being sentimental about nothing but a lump of flesh.

That may be so, but it was… flesh of my flesh. Growing in me.

Making me sick, exposing me, making me utterly miserable. I should end it now and kill it.

"Give me the poison," I said in a low voice, so no one could possibly overhear, but she heard it. She nodded and rose. She went back inside and handed me a small bottle.

"Drink this, and your problems will be over."

I nodded. "How may I repay you?"

The old woman scrutinized me for a moment. I wondered why. She gave me a price. I only frowned. Surely, that was too low. She had to know that, though. I wondered why she was giving me such a discount when I obviously did not require it.

"Rin helped with the gardening while you were out." As if that would really cover such a debt. But, perhaps it was more that Jinenji was content and not so depressed with Rin around that she was giving me such a discount. That could be.

"How long was I unconscious?"

"Only two hours."

"I meant before that."

"The imp and the girl brought you here at late noon."

I nodded. "Very well." Good. That hadn't been too long, then. It was growing dark. I should be leaving. I went back inside to put my armor back on (more difficult than it should be), and shoved my swords back into my obi.

Now, I must go locate Rin and Jaken, then we were leaving. The old woman stopped me again. She gave me a package that smelled like dried herbs. "Take this. It's for the morning sickness. In case you decide to keep it." _Keep morning sickness?_

"Unlikely." But I took it anyway. Now, I had to go back to the weaver… again. It would really be easiest to leave Jaken and Rin. I should tell them I was leaving them, though, or Rin would worry, and Jaken would panic. Besides, I really had to hurt Jaken. It would make me feel better about my own problems, and he _really _deserved it this time.

As I walked away, I removed the bottle of poison I had hidden in my kimono and looked at it. Life was full of choices, wasn't it?


	21. Chapter 21: Spider and the Moon

**Chapter Twenty-One**

_Spider and the Moon_

The Weaver was annoyed to see how quickly "I" was ruining my clothing, as if it were entirely my fault that cloth was not made out of more durable stuff. She grumbled to herself about how careless I was with something so expensive. She knew that I couldn't afford to kill her though. It would mean revealing my secret to another weaver. That would be rather counterproductive.

She said that she could mend this one (not in the way a human mends, but in a way that no one would be able to tell it had ripped) or make a new one. I chose the former; it was faster. So, she sat at her stool, mending it, six of her eight legs in constant, deft motions that I didn't understand. I was sprawled out half-naked on the tatami mats as I waited for her to finish, more than likely looking far too dramatic. It wouldn't take her long at all.

I turned my head to stare out the window at the moon. I recalled a story from far west in the mainland about a spider… something to do with the moon. As I dug deeper into the memory, a few more details surfaced. Ah, yes, a spider which weaves a web that holds the moon. What country had I heard it from? I couldn't remember any more.

In an effort to block out the little vial of poison I had clutched in my hand, I focused completely on the story. The moon… My brow creased in thought. A spider, and the moon… _Naraku and me_, I realized. I was the elusive moon, and he had been the spider, weaving a web…

But why would I think about him? The answer came to me just as I asked myself the question. The tiny life growing in me was why. I should just kill it.

I studied the moon. It sort of did look like it was being held in a magical web… supporting it in the sky, but not exactly needing it…

Maybe I was thinking too much in to an old myth. Yes, I was. Did everyone get like this when they were pregnant—thinking about stupid, pointless things that ordinarily wouldn't matter, or even cross one's mind? It shouldn't matter. It never should have even occurred to me. I absently touched the crescent moon on my forehead—identical to the one hanging in the night sky. A web that holds the moon… To what point and purpose?

What had been the name of the story? The spider had had a name… There was a reason it was always weaving… Was it something about… greed, maybe pride? Pride, that was it. What had been the rest of the story? My memory didn't seem to want to give me any more details.

I frowned. What was the name of that damned country? I thought of all the countries I had journeyed to, but some of their names eluded me—apparently, the one that this myth had come from too. Even some of the languages were lost to me. I just couldn't seem to remember…

I heard the rustle of silk from somewhere. What was that country…? My face was suddenly covered in white silk. I pushed it off and shot the Weaver with a glare. She wasn't even looking at me, so the effort was wasted. "I told you three times that I had finished it, but you didn't seem to hear me," she explained, an exasperated tone tingeing her characteristically thin voice.

"Hm." I pulled on the garment again. I was getting better at dressing with only one arm. At the beginning, I had found replacement arms just so I could get dressed. But I had pretty much figured it out now. "How much do I owe?"

She glanced at me, then back at her loom. Always weaving… "Don't kill the child."

I rose to my feet, resisting the urge to show the extent of my annoyance with her. For some reason, I didn't doubt that she knew. The old demon had always managed to figure out everything that I tried to keep hidden. It could be from years of dealing with me. "Why not? It has caused me nothing but trouble."

"I think… You will regret it if you do."

I felt a little insulted. I had no qualms about killing children. "I disagree."

She didn't move from her loom. The sounds of the raw silk against raw silk, and the movements of the loom were the only sounds for a moment. "Then why haven't you swallowed the poison yet?"

I blinked and scowled. This conversation was over. I tossed a coin over my shoulder on my way out. It hit the floor with a metallic ring and rolled before coming to rest. I was growing angry. It was best to leave now. But why _hadn't_ I swallowed the poison yet? There was no reason not to. Besides, if I didn't, then… Then everyone would find out. I just couldn't have that. Everything would come to ruin if I allowed that to happen.

Ha! Why should I hesitate to kill something that was going to betray my darkest secret? There was no reason to allow such a creature to live.

That decided, I opened the bottle and put it to my lips.


	22. Chapter 22: Jaken Makes a Discovery

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

_Jaken Makes a Discovery_

Aun was getting protective of me. If there was any kind of threat, they jumped to it, whereas before they would have let me handle it. It was because they knew. Not that they would say anything. But they knew. There was no other reason for this. They had to know. I wasn't being paranoid; they knew. It was quite obvious. Or maybe it really was just paranoia.

I cursed my own weak will. The hidden vial of poison seemed to grow heavier. More accurately, I became more aware of it. I could end my pain now, but for some reason… I just couldn't.

This was _me_. If I killed this child… I would be killing a part of me. I would be killing something that only I could create. I just didn't like that idea. I didn't want to kill something that was so dependent on me… so trusting that I wouldn't… Living only by my grace alone… Every minute that this thing inside of me lived… It was all because of me.

Besides, what would be the harm? So Rin and Jaken would find out. I could go to my palace, stay locked up in there for a while, keeping only those who knew inside, have the child, and turn myself into a man using the Shikon no Tama. And my explanation to the child? The mother died. It wasn't too far from the truth anyway.

I could be both mother and father to this child.

I really could do that… Besides, what should I care if a few more find out? I was just going to become a man anyway. These two wouldn't say anything either, and I would be a man in a year's time. A dog's normal gestation period was that of a human's, as chance and irony would have it.

I liked this idea. Have the child, become a man afterwards. It sounded good. In fact, I was almost ready to devote myself entirely to it.

Key word there being "almost."

Okay, the decision was made. I was keeping it. I felt oddly warmed by that decision, as if the life currently being supported by mine was happy that I had decided not to end its seemingly insignificant existence.

But I was not going to say a word. When Jaken found out, he would find out on his own, and the same went for Rin, I suppose. It was entirely within my character to not tell them.

Besides, it wasn't like I had ever lied to either of them. They had merely assumed I was male, and I had never said anything regarding it. So, rather than making me look like a deceiver, I could turn this around and just make them look stupid and uninformed.

I wondered how long this would take. It could prove to be amusing.

Jaken had been staring at me oddly for the past two days. He was catching on. For some reason, this pleased me, and I waited patiently for when he would finally say something. However, he had wisely kept his mouth shut all this time.

"Jaken," I said.

"Yes, my lord?" he asked.

"You are staring at me again," I reminded him.

He abruptly turned around, staring straight ahead of him. "I'm very sorry, Sesshomaru-sama! Please forgive me! I will never do it again—"

"Why have you been staring at me over the past two days?" I asked, knowing the answer perfectly well. All the same, I was curious to know what lie he would make up, or what lie his brain might concoct for himself. The thing about the mind was that it played tricks even on itself. He would convince himself of something other than the truth so he didn't have to confront the truth.

"Oh, er… It was just that… Um…" He was getting nervous—very nervous, and frightened for his life. After all, he was probably too terrified to say the real reason, and he had to know that I was too intelligent to believe a lie. "It was just that you smell kind of strange—that's all."

"Strange?" I said. "However do you mean?" I allowed my tone to convey that I knew the answer. I glanced out at the field, where Rin was attempting to pick every flower in sight.

"It was just that… Sesshomaru-sama… Are you… Have you… Is there…" he stammered. I raised an eyebrow. Just say it, damn it. "Is there a woman that…?" Ah, the most obvious answer. Yes, it was completely possible that a woman's scent would linger on me. That wasn't the case, though. I said nothing. I waited for Jaken to say it himself, but I was a bit disappointed. "Lord Sesshomaru, did you impregnate a girl during the mating season?" he finally said.

I wanted to hurt him, but I refrained. "In a manner of speaking."

He appeared confused for a moment, then brushed off my vague reply as an affirmative. "Really? That's wonderful! Who is it?"

Now I really wanted to hit him. "Hm."

He sagged visibly. "He's not going to tell me," he whined to himself. Maybe in another week or so, he would figure it out.

Two weeks passed, and I could tell that his suspicion was growing. Rin was blissfully ignorant, still, but she knew that something was wrong with me, considering how often I wanted to sleep and that I grew sick often, though I didn't get as sick as before with the medicine.

I was slowly working my way back to my palace. I didn't feel up to flying, and besides, the time of the year was pleasant, and I knew that I would be cooped up inside during my pregnancy anyway, so I might as well enjoy it while I could.

Finally, I knew that Jaken knew. Recognition was in his dull yellow eyes, though he didn't really want to believe it.

He was staring at me again, trying to decide if it were really true. "Lord Sesshomaru…" he finally asked. I raised an eyebrow. "Are you…" He looked around for Rin. She had ran off to forage. "Are you… really female?"

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. "I thought you would have learned that a long time ago."

"But…" he said. "You dress like a man, your voice sounds like a man, and you told me to address you as being a 'lord,' so—" He found himself lying on the ground, a lump growing on his head. He sat up slowly, point taken. "Oh, I see. You don't want anyone to know… In that case… My lord?" He looked at me for confirmation. I nodded that the term was still correct. "My lord… Where are we going?"

"My palace."

He blinked. "But, my lord…" I didn't like the pause after he said that. "What about the child?"

"I am not going to kill it, if that is what you mean."

"But, Sesshomaru-sama, you mustn't let others know…"

I knew that. But, then again, Jaken had a tendency to state the obvious, and I had been planning on this anyway. "I am going to dismiss all but the most necessary of the servants and stay at the palace until the child is born."

"But…"  
I removed the Shikon no Tama from its hidden place in my kimono, holding it between two fingers. "This will grant any wish asked of it." I did not explain further, nor did I need to. Even Jaken, daft as he is, understood my meaning. That was a relief at any rate. The less explaining I had to do, the better.

Now it was just Rin that was left.


	23. Chapter 23: Beautiful Death

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

_Beautiful Death_

I sent Jaken ahead of me to clear out the palace, with no explanation to the servants. I would have gone myself, except for my scent. I said to only keep the ones old enough to have known about me beforehand—which meant the healer, and two other servants still around.

It would be good to have the healer there. It was kind of a relief that the old demon was still around. I was glad I had kept her on the staff now.

When I arrived, the three remaining demons were suspicious of weirdness, but when they inhaled my scent, they didn't know how to react. The two servants only looked at each other, blushing. But the healer smiled.

"Sesshomaru-sama. Welcome home," she said, bowing respectfully.

"I wish to speak with you alone," I told her. I looked to my three servants. "Take care of Rin."

Rin looked anxious to explore the palace, anyway, so her interest in following me was fairly low. Jaken would escort her, and the other two would prepare a room for her for the duration of our stay—preferably one close to me. Rin may be frightened staying here for a while. The girl was so used to sleeping outdoors, and always near someone else. Besides… it would make me more comfortable if I knew where she was. Just because I had known those two servants all my life didn't mean I trusted them not to try to eat her.

The healer followed me. Her name was Chiyouta, and she had been the one to be with my mother through childbirth. She would do the same for me now. That was comforting too. Chiyouta was a mixed breed of demon—nothing purebred about her. Primarily, she seemed to be a wolf, though.

I went to my room. "I want you to be my midwife. Starting now."

She nodded. "I would like to inspect the child now, in that case."

I had expected as much. I slid open the door to my room and removed my armor, mokomoko-sama, and opened my haori. I sat down on the bed, waiting for whatever she wanted to do.

She began by prodding at my slightly swollen stomach. She pressed an ear against it, listening. She sniffed at me and did a few other things I didn't see a reason to doing.

She looked at me finally. "How did you let this happen?" she finally asked.

I scowled. She was too bold. "Do not ask me such things. I do not have to explain it to you."

She laughed and shook her head. "You know exactly what I mean, Kareishikyo."

I scowled. Yes, my name was Kareishikyo. It means: "beautiful death." I looked just like my beautiful mother, and, it seemed, somehow, my father had seen my fate, which is where the "shikyo" part came. Naturally, I had kept my "male name" similar to my original name, if a bit more extreme and more poetic.

"Do not use that old name. I no longer know it," I said disdainfully.

She laughed. She knew that I couldn't afford to kill her, or even hurt her. "You will always be 'Kareishikyo' to me, Sesshomaru," she told me. "I knew you before you were born, and you will always be, to me, 'Karei-chan.'"

Was there really even a point in arguing? I suppose not. "How is the pup?" I said, changing the subject. She should know not to mention it to anyone, or use it in front of anyone but me. Why did she even keep that old name in her head? It was dangerous for her.

"Your pup is healthy," she said. "Who is the father?"

A half-demon… But a half-demon with nothing but a rotten human heart and nothing more. I should tell her that. It might need special treatment if this were the case. "Naraku," I answered.

She blinked in surprise. "Naraku… That demon?"

I nodded. "Half-demon," I corrected. "And he's dead now."

Her faded violet eyes fell down to my stomach again. "No need to worry about the child having human blood. There is a full-blooded demon growing in there," she said.

"How could that be?" Logic said otherwise.

She looked at me. "In half-demons, the demon blood is usually dominant. It is like pouring two different liquids in a jar. The dominant one will overpower the other, and it is more so with this child." Good. That was comforting, anyway. It also meant that it was more likely going to look like me than like Naraku. "One more thing," she said. She met my gaze. "There's two."

Fantastic. Twins. Well, my life had suddenly gone downhill. Rin would be thrilled.

Speaking of which, maybe I should tell her that she was going to be a big sister.

A thought flashed across my mind, darkening my mood further. A big sister who would die long before the twins had grown up.

Author's Note:

Sesshomaru's "girl name" was chosen almost completely randomly, but I liked it, and I'm sorry if you don't. It doesn't really matter anyway, though, does it?

Chiyouta means "healing song" which was also fairly random.


	24. Chapter 24: Time and Death

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

_Time and Death_

I heard little footsteps approaching, and a tentative hand touch the screen. I looked up from the scroll I had been reading to glance at the door. I could see Rin's dark silhouette through the screen. She hesitated, then opened it, just enough to peek inside. Seeing that I was awake, she came in and slid the door shut behind her.

"I can't sleep," she confessed. It didn't surprise me. I had been expecting this, after all. A girl like her, so used to sleeping out-of-doors, could probably never become used to sleeping in the lavish room provided for her, no matter how long I chose to stay here. As soon as the child was born, though, I would find a wet nurse and return to my wanderings, coming back only to check on it. I could claim the mother died in childbirth. It was a common enough death, even for demons. Birth was dangerous.

I stood up. I had been reading over a few scrolls. A breeze blew in from the open screen, combing its chilly fingers through my silver locks and making the single lit candle in the room flicker. "Neither can I." I moved to look out the screen. There was no moon tonight, but the stars were shining brightly over the world, enwrapping it in a diamond canopy.

Rin stood beside me. "Sesshomaru-sama, are you really a girl?" she asked me, looking up at me with her big, innocent eyes. Her young eyes had seen too much, I realized. Her family's deaths, her own death… Her life seemed riddled with death around every corner. Her biggest fear must be… my death. She should never worry about that, though.

I remained staring out at the stars, looking at the way the land curved like the elegant sweeps of a paintbrush of a skilled painter, the way the growth covered the world like a cloak. There was movement in the night. Night animals were going about their routine lives—bats, owls, fireflies, and other manner of creatures. Somewhere far away, I could see the faint aura of weak demons. I could make out the sounds of a river rushing, and the sound of the night wind murmuring through the complaining branches. The fireflies danced amidst the forest like sprites, disappearing and reappearing amidst the trees. Distantly, I heard an owl's latest victim utter its last despairing cry. Wolves were howling, singing a requiem to the sun.

"Sesshomaru-sama…" the girl prodded, bringing me back to reality. A reality where I very much existed, and there was more to life than the simplicity and poetry of the forest.

"Yes," I answered finally, my eyes locked on the orange tiger that was silently stalking its prey. It was too dark for Rin to see it from this distance, but I could. Its form faded in and out of the dark trees, then moved away from the palace as it followed its intended prey.

Lord Sesshomaru being female didn't seem to bother her at all, like I knew it wouldn't. She had not been afraid of my true form. Learning that I was female compared to learning that I was really a gigantic dog was nothing in comparison, and that hadn't bothered her either. "And we came here because you're going to have a baby?"

The tiger had caught its prey. I listened to the struggle as the tiger sought and won the advantage and ended a life to prolong its own. One must kill in order to survive. It was the law of nature. The tiger kills to keep itself from dying of starvation, but the chosen victim doesn't want to die; it wants to live. One of them must die, though. It was like that for humans and demons too. There was no place in the world for both of them. Demons eat humans, and humans, in turn, despise and kill demons to try to preserve themselves. The demons were like that tiger—the humans the prey. But the humans were slowly reversing that role, as they retaliated and killed oppressing demons—or tried to and died trying, making more humans see those humans as being valiant and encouraging them to kill demons. It was an endless cycle thus far. "Yes, Rin."

She smiled. "So, I'm going to have a baby brother or sister?"

One day, this child was going to die, and I was going to have to watch her die. She would grow old, withered, and bedridden. I wouldn't change. In her short lifespan, I would remain the same. It would be as though not even a day has passed before she dies. If I stopped paying attention, the passage of time would whisk by me. I could but blink, and Rin would be gone. Humans rode the river of time, flowing with it. Time was their fate, and they were forever bound to it. Demons were not. We are rooted in place like stones, unmoving, only aging with wear. The humans, so like the creatures whisked away in rapids, only passed us by fleetingly. Their time was so short. How did they even know what it means to live? Perhaps, though, that was why they treasured life. "Yes, Rin."

She yawned, rubbing her eyes. "Rin is sleepy."

I had known that already. "Then sleep."

She looked up at me hopefully. "Can I sleep in here tonight? Just tonight?"

I looked down at her. "If you wish." I looked back outside. I heard her moving to the large futon, covering herself in the blankets. I listened to her fragile heart slow with the rhythm of sleep. Death clings to humans. It knows they do not have very long until their souls return to hell. Reincarnation was almost pointless. Death waits for humans. I could smell it on some of them, regardless of their age. But perhaps, for mortals, death and time were one of the same.

The wolves had found their prey.


	25. Chapter 25: Indecisive

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

_Indecisive_

Even though I was getting quite obviously pregnant, I stubbornly refused to wear women's clothing, despite Chiyouta's prodding. She called me a "stubborn woman" under her breath and somehow convinced me to swallow some concoction that tasted like a combination of boiled pig liver and some kind of ghastly flower. She said it was for my morning sickness. I wasn't so sure I believed it was so much for that as it was to keep me in a semi-sedated state.

After drinking it, I noticed that I was considerably calmer and relaxed. Furthermore, I was so calm and peaceful that even Jaken's voice didn't irritate me. That was when I knew for certain that it was a sedative, but I was so far under the drug's influence that I couldn't get up to rip out Chiyouta's throat, despite my desperate desire to do so.

The old healer sought to keep me asleep at least most of the time, but I would have none of it. Instead, I dumped out her latest brew—this time a tasteless herb in a tea—outside, making sure she saw me doing so.

I turned to her. "Chiyouata, you will only give me medication when I am in need of it, and you will tell me what it is, and all of the affects it has," I growled, all too tired of all the herbs and medicine she had been stuffing down my throat, making me breathe, and so forth.

"You are in need of constant medication," she informed me.

I stared at her flatly for a moment. "I am not so undisciplined as to harm myself or my child foolishly, and thus do not need to be constantly sedated."

"I am more concerned that you will overexert yourself," she said, continuing to grind her herbs. I rolled my eyes upwards, as if beseeching divine assistance. "If I was certain that you would not go gallivanting around the vicinity, then I wouldn't keep you sedated."

"Are you referring to the past week?" I asked of her. A few days prior, a demon had ventured too close for my comfort, with Rin being about, and I had immediately taken off to kill it, much to the healer's chagrin.

"Yes," she informed me. "Let Aun or one of the servants handle these sorts of problems."

I disliked that idea, and she knew it—which was exactly why I had to be put to sleep or in a daze without cease. She dumped the ground herbs in a pot with water and set it over the fire. "The servants are incompetent, and Aun is not always around." It was true enough. Ah and Un watched over Rin when she was outside, but they were not willing to leave her side to kill the demon unless the demon was an immediate threat. Because, in my current state, I viewed everything as a threat, I did not see their point of view.

She only sighed, but remained silent for a time. The water began to boil. She added something else to it. "I didn't want to tell you this, because it may worry you, but the real reason I keep you sedated is because a pup is growing weak." I checked her eyes, making sure she wasn't lying. Chiyouta wasn't the type to lie, though. Not about something like this. "If you continue running around like a rabid dog, it will wear on your strength as well as the child's. While you recover more quickly, the child does not." She looked at me, checking to see my reaction.

"It is only one of them, then?"

She nodded. "One is stronger than the other." She frowned, looking at me curiously. "You do not care if one dies?"

How could she say that? Of course I cared. "They are both important to me."

She seemed satisfied with my answer. She did something else to the boiling mixture. She stretched a rag over a bowl, using a wooden fixture to keep it in place. It reminded me of an embroidery ring. She poured the contents of the bowl over it. The liquid went through, but a sticky, brown mixture stuck to the rag. She disposed of the liquid, explaining, "The liquid is poison." She scraped off the gooey mess. I realized that she was intent on forcing it down my throat and I began to prepare a speech of protest, then I remembered that this was for the pup. "This will restore the pup's health, but you have to eat all of it," Chiyouta said as she scraped it into another boiling water mixture—this time the mixture was soup though. At least she wasn't intent on making me eat it as it was.

"Have you begun to think of names yet?"

"No," I answered. Perhaps I should start doing that. What a tedious process, and kind of daunting too. There was a lot to a name. Should I choose something distinctly feminine, masculine, or give them both neutral names? What if they were both female, or both male? Should I choose two of each? Or should I choose two neutral names? I could just give them milk names until they chose their own. They could change their names if they wished, though. That didn't bother me. Why give them a milk name, then? Well, I could give them a milk name until their personalities began to develop, and then I could choose names for them based on that.

I drifted off into thought. I would choose the female first, then. Something feminine. Something if they were both female, or one was female… But I needed two names…

Maybe something similar, or with similar meanings? Hmm. But then, I worried that they may be perceived more as a unit than as individuals. No, they needed separate names with different meanings to set them apart from each other. Just because they were twins did not mean that they would be similar.

As I tried to concentrate on thinking of names, and didn't find any that I liked, I began to have second thoughts about naming them before I even knew them. I suppose, indecisive was the word. I was indecisive about everything, though, wasn't I? I may never show it, but it was true. I rarely doubted myself, but being indecisive was different. I just couldn't seem to make up my mind on things unless they were either dire or spur of the moment decisions. Once a decision was made, I stuck to it. It was coming to that conclusion that was difficult, though.

It really would be better for them as well as me if I waited until they were born. If I just waited until their personalities developed a bit, then I could base their names more off of themselves rather than my wish for them. That seemed better.

That was how I would have wanted it, anyway. I hoped that, one day, they would just be happy with my decision.

Chiyouta smiled at me, a bowl of steaming soup in her hands. I was less than thrilled.


	26. Chapter 26: Twins

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

_Twins_

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was beginning to feel like I was deathly ill and bedridden—the way the servants and Chiyouta never left my side and wouldn't let me do much of anything by myself. To say that they trusted me to so much as breathe properly would be a stretch of the truth. It seemed as though they had made it their life's purpose to annoy me in any way possible with over-kindness and playing at being nurse maids. It was irritating and unwelcome.

I just wanted them to leave me alone. Was that so much to ask? I certainly didn't think so, but I could be wrong to think that. Hell if I know. It was hard to say what I knew and didn't know right now, unless it was factual. In terms of opinions, my mind was clearly warped. My moods shifted randomly throughout the day and without cause or reason. I often found myself wondering about stupid things—like what the children would be like, what they would look like. Sometimes, I wondered about how things could have been, how they should have been. Just things I ordinarily did not put too much thought in to.

_What are you?_ But it was only a memory of a memory. The voice had left me, never to return. I wondered if it was pleased that I was pregnant, and if it would return afterwards. That was paranoia speaking, though, and nothing more.

I wanted to eat all the time. Sometimes, I wanted it raw, sometimes roasted, fried, in a soup, or on rice, among other things. And if I didn't get it _soon_, I would get angry and things would get broken.

Chiyouta kept me sedated to keep me in bed. She said that if I was running around, I would damage the child. For a while, I had listened to her and was easy on myself, but then I started to get moody and, I suppose the term would be, rebellious.

My power was being used to protect the children, as was most of my body heat, it seemed. I was always cold, always hungry, and pathetically weak. Needless to say, I was not in the least bit satisfied with the state of my current life.

If Chiyouata hadn't kept me sedated, though, I probably would have killed the twins. When I had a whim, I wanted to go hunting down the demons nearby, or attack a neighboring human village to vent my pointless rage. Not the best things to do in my weakened condition, to be honest. Not that it ever occurred to me until after I had returned home and was being lectured by the old healer. She was really just concerned, though, for my well-being as well as the children's, so she was forgiven the lectures at least.

So, basically, my pregnant life was spent by and large in bed, asleep, or eating like I had survived a ten-year famine. How did women do this?

If I had been born a man, this never would have happened. I would be happier with my life, maybe my father wouldn't hate me, and I wouldn't be generally considered a freak. Damn, I wouldn't be pregnant, sleeping my life away, or eating as if I were getting ready to hibernate either. (_Except maybe in the twisted minds of certain fanfiction writers. Hehe. I love you guys. Anyways…_) And dogs don't hibernate.

There was something seriously disturbing about pregnancy, I decided. It just wasn't right that something should be growing inside of your stomach. It also didn't seem right that this thing made me act abnormal, as if it controlled me. I determined that an unborn baby was much like a parasite. It latched itself on inside, controlled me, fed off of me, and grew stronger until it either no longer needed me or died.

And why is it that when you are pregnant, people always want to touch your stomach? It was sick, and sickening. What was so great about it? There was a thing growing inside of me like a strengthening parasite, twisting my body to accommodate its own selfish needs and feeding off of me and making me weak.

But at the same time… It was mine. It was like… a piece of me becoming something else—something new.

I just wanted this damn thing out of me—and soon, before I went crazy.

My world had become a swirling torrent of pain and misery. My vision was blurry, tears stung my eyes, and I twisted from side to side, back arching as a scream sought to escape my lips. I willed it down, my eyes turning red. I snarled.

"She's going to transform!" I heard one of the servants cry. It sounded distant—far beyond my world of pain. It was like hearing someone shouting over the expanse of an empty desert—a voice carried by the wind, with no definite source.

"Give this to her and she won't," a familiar, calm voice said. This late into my pregnancy, and now of all times, that would be disastrous.

The pain. It was coming from something inside of me. _Get it out!_ "She's going to hurt herself!"

I felt someone part my lips. It was so distant. Beyond the pain, it was like there was nothing. Something cool ran down my throat. I choked and swallowed, coughing. Finally, the scream pushed its way out. I howled.

I hoped this would be over _soon_. How long had it been already? I felt something disgusting and I screamed again, feeling the bones inside being forced apart. I gasped, panting and growling. I felt hands holding me down to keep me from thrashing. I heard another scream join my own and I froze. The baby? The red haze cleared and I craned my neck to look, but the pains of labor seized me again.

But I knew what to brace for this time, and with the second birth, I didn't scream. I growled, thrashed, and ground my teeth a lot, but I never once screamed.

I forced myself upwards. The pups? I looked to Chiyouta. She had the firstborn. She gave the child to me. "It's a boy," she told me. I looked at him. He opened his eyes. They were red—like Naraku's, but he had my smooth, silver hair. It was actually a very lovely combination.

A servant gave me the other one. "This one is a girl." I peered at the younger of the two. She was his opposite—Naraku's tangled mass of black hair, and my golden eyes.

Perfect. I sighed in relief. I just wanted to go to sleep now. The twins were of like mind, it seemed, because they were asleep in my arms before I joined them.


	27. Chapter 27: Change

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

_Change_

When I had managed to pull myself from the dark abyss of slumber, the twins were still fast asleep beside me. I slipped carefully out of bed, silent as could be, mindful not to disturb them. I went to my quarters, one intent in mind.

I had made up my mind.

The children were born.

Now was the time…

Now I was going to make my wish.

Night had fallen. But that made sense. It had been twilight when labor had gripped me. The hallway was dark, but I knew this palace well. Inside my room, the same dark stillness enwrapped it. I lit a candle and set it down on the desk, the single light casting shadows on the wall like the memories of old ghosts. I opened a drawer and removed its sole content—the Shikon no Tama.

I held it in my hand, looking at its flawless surface for a moment, shifting it to catch the light of the candle, giving the rosy jewel a yellowish glow. I moved over to the screen that I always left open, slipping out of the gown. There was a rustle of cloth as it fell to the floor.

I felt free—free of the weight of two children. Free to make a life-changing choice. I was ready to do that.

The moonlight glistened off of the jewel in my hand. Tonight, I would finally be a man. I wondered what it would be like… to be a man. I would find out soon. I would learn what it means to truly be a man soon. I was growing a bit nervous at the prospect, but also excited. This was the chance I had been waiting for—for such a long time. Why had I not thought of it sooner? Decades ago? Possibly, because I was so consumed with other things. The thought had never even occurred to me.

I heard footsteps. I listened to them, trying to decipher who it was by footfall alone. Rin. She was looking for me. I went back inside and set the jewel down on a table. I had no fear of thievery here.

I slipped into a silk kimono and slid open my door. I stepped out into the hall. "Rin?" I called.

She grinned and came running. She skidded to halt in front of me. "They wouldn't let me in to see. Are the twins here?"

sI shook my head slightly. "They're still in the other room," I answered.

She nodded. "Sesshomaru-sama, can I see them?"

I nodded once and led the way, gesturing for her to be quiet. She obeyed. She was good at that. They were both still sound asleep. Demons often did that, though. They were not like human children—they were stronger.

Rin smiled, delighted to see the twins, both fast asleep and cuddled up to each other, as if they were still locked inside the womb. I let her look at them for a while, before I led her out. She chattered excitedly as I walked her back to her room. I would miss Rin when she was gone. But, maybe… Maybe it didn't have to be that way.

I laid her down to sleep and left her. I went back to my quarters, taking my time getting there. There was no need to rush. Tonight. It had to be tonight. I didn't want to put this off any longer.

I picked it up with two fingers and moved to the door, once more looking up at the nighttime luminaries. Tonight.

I looked at the Shikon no Tama.

There was so much hatred and bitterness in the world over this jewel. So much death and pain. All because of this little trinket.

I held it to my heart.

Now.

I had my desire in my mind. I closed my eyes, focusing on that single desire. I fed that desire to the jewel. It processed it, and the change took place.

Author's Note: Questions, comments, or concerns of my sanity can be "commented" to me. I am also considering making either a prequel or a sequel, with something about the twins, but first I'm making the alternate ending.


	28. Chapter 19 Alternate

**Chapter Nineteen**

_Resurrection_

Why did I keep thinking about Naraku? Why did I feel so guilty about killing him like that? I looked at Tensaiga. Well, I had only promised that I would kill him. I had never said a word about not bringing him back.

What? I leaned back against the tree. What was I _thinking_? I hated that obnoxious asshole. Well, maybe if he would just apologize to Rin… I knew that the idea was that I had used him and then disposed of him. But… For some reason, it didn't feel right leaving him dead like that. He was the first person who… _Why him?_ Ah, but didn't he love me? Yes. He had loved when I had slammed Tokijin through his face. He hadn't _wanted_ to kill me. Was that what love is?

He didn't have to have let me find him. I think a part of him had still been hoping that I may have changed my mind.

I replayed the scene in my mind. He had taken the Jewel Shard from the boy's, Kohaku's, back, and left him dead. The boy had tried to fight him, but all in vain. He had just completed the Jewel when I found him. Had he been going to use it to become a full-blooded youkai? It saddened me. I wanted him as a hanyou… Why was that? I hated half-demons. Then again, he wasn't born of a human and a demon. He was created from pieces of each.

I wanted him to wrap his arms around me again. Damn it. That bastard. What had he done to me?

I could stand this no longer. I rose and took to the air without bothering to explain to Jaken (who was now wailing) about where I was going.

The place was easy enough for me to find; it still smelled like Naraku. It had been completely undisturbed, too. I looked around, trying to find even a piece of his body. It had taken a bit of time, but it had dissolved. All I needed was a _piece _of his body, and… I sniffed, trying to find where the smell was strongest. The boy's rotting corpse was stinking. It distorted my sense of smell in a most unpleasant manner.

Where was it? I would go utterly insane if I couldn't resurrect Naraku. I scanned the ground. I saw something lying, partially hidden, in the grass. I practically flew to it. Just a little piece of bone, about the length of my finger. But it was Naraku's.

I drew Tensaiga, and I looked for the little creatures from hell that I had to kill. (Author of fanfic has temporarily forgotten their official title.) For a moment, I panicked because I couldn't see them, then they appeared. I swung Tensaiga through them and waited. Would it still work, even though the body was mostly gone?

The seconds felt like hours. Had I failed?

If I had failed… Then the only person who had… He had loved me, and I had killed him. I didn't regret killing him. But I would regret it if I couldn't resurrect him. And I continued to hate him for making me feel that way.

Relief flooded me when I saw the bone begin to move, transform, enlarge and finally take shape. Naraku was lying on the ground, eyes closed. He sat up and looked at me. For a long time, neither of us said anything, then he stood up, averting his eyes. "I have something for you." He lifted his right arm. He was holding my left arm—the one that had fallen into hell with So'unga. I almost started screaming about him not also having So'unga, but stopped when he forced it towards me.

I took my limb. I looked from it to him again, but I could think of nothing to say.

"You could at least thank me, you know." He looked back at me. "I spent a week in hell, and I took the time to get that for you."

I narrowed my eyes. "You didn't know that I would resurrect you."

"I had hoped you would come to your senses. Also, I…" He looked me right in the eyes. My own softened, just a little bit. "I wanted you—and I thought the closest I would ever have again would be that arm. But you should have it."

I looked at it. It was exactly as it had been before—as if it were still alive and attached to me, but it wasn't. Not yet, anyway. I held it up to the stump of my left arm. Because the arm had begun to grow back, this was going to hurt more than it would otherwise. My body would try to undo the growth. It would be a lot like all the flesh, muscle, and bone of my arm being compacted. Exactly as I had anticipated, it was excruciatingly painful. I made no noise, nor did I show a flicker of the pain I felt. What was most disturbing about it, though, was the noise. It was bone grating against bone, and it was enough to make my skin crawl to possess the knowledge that it was my own.

After the grating stopped and my arm was once again its proper length, I raised the arm and flexed my fingers again. After going so long without it, I was bound to forget that I even had it from time to time, similar as to how I had felt like it was still there when I knew that it wasn't in the beginning.

Naraku seemed to be waiting for something. What? Then I remembered. I looked away. This was going to be hard. Very hard. This just wasn't something I _did_. I didn't do two things: I did not apologize, and I did not say "thank you." "Arigatou," I said.

"That was very difficult for you, Sesshomaru," he commented. I looked at him. "I am honored." He turned away from me and began to walk away. "I will leave you now. Thank you—for reviving me."

I wanted to stop him. I wanted to tell him to stay with me, but my pride leaped in my way, and I said nothing. Outside, I was calm and uncaring. Inside, I was screaming.

He looked back over his shoulder, pausing. My hope escalated. "Unless you want me to stay?"

I looked at him contemptuously. "Continue living, if you wish. But I did not resurrect you for myself," I lied smoothly. "There are others who have more of a right to your life than do I."

I turned away from him and began to walk away. "You're a liar," he said softly. I turned back around, but he was gone.

I was confused. Had he somehow manipulated me? Was he using me? Did he know, somehow, that I would revive him? Had I even killed him?

I considered that last question. I had made sure in that week of his death that he was gone. Then there was that he had my arm. Strange as that was, I couldn't deny that he had gone to the underworld, and he had seemed to come back to life after I used Tensaiga. I looked at my left arm. This arm was no illusion. It wasn't a trick. This was my actual arm. I had seen it fall into hell myself. He had given this to me, for whatever reason. Maybe… Perhaps he had anticipated me resurrecting him, and as a precaution, to ensure that I would be in good spirits, he had retrieved my arm.

So, if he was using me, what had _he_ gained from going to hell?

But no matter how I thought of it, I couldn't think of anything. I took to the air again, trying to imagine what Naraku had gained. Perhaps, he had gained nothing physically. Possibly, he had desired…

I don't know.

Maybe just to see if I would do it.

But that was really stupid. I thought of the Shikon no Tama. No, if he was just experimenting with me, then he would have found a way to safeguard the jewel. He had gone through a lot to get this, and it was just unlikely that he would have left it with me.

Maybe…

Maybe he was telling the truth. As crazy as that idea was, it was the only one of them that made sense.

Author's Note:

Next chapters shall be Original Chapter Nineteen: Denial, Original Chapter Twenty: Choices, and Original Chapter Twenty-One: Spider and Moon. (Trying to keep as close to the original storyline as I can, and I discovered that some of these chapters were still useable.)


	29. Chapter 22 Alternate

Author's Note: The chapters before this one are: Original Chapter Nineteen: Denial, Original Chapter Twenty: Choices, and Original Chapter Twenty-One: Spider and Moon. (Trying to keep as close to the original storyline as I can, and I discovered that some of these chapters were still useable.)

**Alternate Chapter Twenty-Two**

_Labyrinth_

When I came back to the place I had left Rin and Jaken, they had made a fire and were roasting fish. At least Rin was fairly self-sufficient, so long as she had someone nearby to make sure she didn't get hurt.

I looked at the river, washing the gently flowing water grow swifter as it came downstream. I could hear the rapids, and the water crashing against the rocks.

Rin was looking at me, scrutinizing me. She knew there was something about me that had changed, but she could not think of what it was. She would figure it out soon enough, though. "Sesshomaru-sama! Your arm—you have two!" she cried.

Jaken spun to look at me, horrified that the girl had discovered this before he had. "What!? But, Sesshomaru-sama, how did it grow back so quickly?"

"Grow back?" Rin wondered.

"Stupid girl. Demons grow back things like that. We're not like humans!" he said, a bit too harshly. He looked back at me. "But, Sesshomaru-sama, how could this be?"

"Why does it matter?" I said. I lifted my left arm a little bit, looking at my hand. It had been a long time. It would have been even longer, if not for Naraku. He really did deserve to know that I was pregnant. For some reason, I really didn't want to tell him though.

I thought of the little vial of poison. No, I hadn't swallowed it. I couldn't bring myself to do it, as stupid as that sounded.

Maybe I should consult him. He was the father, after all. But did it really matter who the father was? Hm. Well, he did have a right to know if he had some child running around. Damn. I would have to hold off becoming a guy for a while, but I could do it. I had put up with it for almost seven hundred years. I could tolerate one more year.

Just one more. Then I would have what I had always wanted. Once I had that, I would have everything—I more or less had Tessuiga and I would be male. Everything would be perfect then. I hoped, anyway.

Aw, why tell Naraku? He could figure it out himself. He seemed to like trying to find me. He would probably come around some time and my scent alone should be a big enough clue.

If he would come.

He would… Wouldn't he?

Why was I so worried that he wouldn't? It was silly. It didn't matter if he came and found me or not. In fact, why the hell was I making it a big deal? If he came to find me, did it make a difference?

Why did I feel like it did? It was ridiculous. Of course it didn't matter if he came back… back to me. Forced me to embrace the reality that… The truth that I was trying to avoid.

I could compare this to running through a maze-like trap. No matter how much I tried to avoid this trap, I just kept going to dead ends and had to go back and face it. But I refused to, so I continued to run through the labyrinth, trying to escape from something unavoidable.

I was stubborn.

Besides, I had more pressing matters. Like what I what I was going to do when Jaken and Rin found out. Of course, it was inevitable if I wasn't going to kill it. So it was a reality I would have to face within the next few weeks.

For that matter, what was I going to do while I was pregnant? All my power would go to protecting the child, and I would be weak and vulnerable. I needed a safe place.

I thought of Naraku.

I shoved that particular thought to the back of my mind and buried it. No fucking _way_. I wasn't going to ask him to protect me because I would be pathetically weak during pregnancy. It was the male's job to do that though. The female bore the child and the male, in turn, protected her.

The reason bearing children was so dangerous for demons was that weakness. Hence, the reason youkai bear very few children; it was too dangerous. Other demons sought to use that weakness against them. Basically, I would end up dead before my fifth month if I didn't find a safe place soon.

Not to mention that birth itself was dangerous. I sighed softly. I couldn't do this alone. I would be endangering myself and the child if I tried to.

My stubborn, self-sufficient nature protested this, but what choice did I really have? I didn't want to die, particularly in a such undignified manner.

I mean, I had always known that I would never see old age (the idea was horrifying anyway), so something would probably get me one day. But I had always pictured going down bringing my slayer with me (and a few others as well). I did _not_ want to be merely picked off. I wasn't some pathetic youkai, damn it.

But, where could I go? No place came immediately to mind.

I thought of Naraku again.

I sighed again and began to wander away from them. Jaken started to follow me, but I stopped him with a glare. "I'm not going far." Then I continued on. I wanted to look around the area, and I wanted to walk as I thought.

If I came to Naraku, told him what was going on… He would probably love to protect me. Bragging rights, I suppose. I don't know. But I knew that he wouldn't turn me down. But I _really_ didn't want to _ask_ anyone for help.

Particularly him.

What could he do, anyway? He was a half-demon, strong as he could be… But I had still killed him. So what good could he do me?

Well, most youkai were afraid of him. He really could protect me. But—damn it all! Was he really the only one I could possibly turn to?

Fuck that.

I would…

I really had no idea. I suppose I could return to the palace—get everyone but the three there that knew anyway and stay put for a while. That may be difficult for me, but it was for my own good.

It may still be dangerous, but I suppose it was safer than wandering around the countryside.

Still, I wasn't so certain about keeping the baby. It really seemed to be far more trouble than it was.

I felt myself growing more and more lost in the endless labyrinth of my own mind.

Author's Note: Following chapter is Original Chapter 22: Jaken Makes a Discovery.


	30. Chapter 24 Alternate

**Chapter Twenty-Four Alternate**

We were almost to my palace. Rin was catching on that something was wrong, but she wouldn't figure it out by herself until it was obvious that I was pregnant, or maybe if something happened… I didn't really want to think about that right now though.

She was still asleep. In fact, as usual, I was the only one awake. Rin had once asked me if I ever slept. The truth was that I did, only before it had been very rarely. Now, I just woke up early. I needed sleep so much more than I had before all this.

I stretched. I wanted a bath… I probably had time to bathe before the others woke up. The sky was still that grayish midnight blue color that came before the sun had risen. I got up and wandered to find the stream nearby. I found a semi-secluded area, undressed and got in. I enjoyed the cold water more than repelled it. I sunk down into the water. It was really too early for this in spring. In fact, I shouldn't be going into cold water at all right now, in my "condition." But here I was.

I felt my nipples harden. I crossed my arms over my breasts, stubbornly refusing to get out of the water. I sunk down lower, instead. The hair on the back of my neck rose. My toes were going numb already.

Good.

Numb was good. I was tired of thinking; tired of stressing myself out over the child and Naraku, and people just finding out everything. I wanted to be numb.

I submerged into the water and stayed there.

It felt like pinpricks all over my body. The water flowing over me was almost painful. I refused to surface. I wanted to stay there until I was numb. Completely numb. Numb to everything.

It was so cold.

I felt sick again, and it felt good.

My lungs couldn't take it any more. I ignored their screams for air, refusing to surface. I wanted to be numb. I could still feel.

I suppose I lost consciousness, because the next thing I knew, I was being pulled out of the water. The wind made me shiver and I automatically moved towards the warmest thing nearby—the one who had pulled me out.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" an angry voice demanded, wrapping its arms around me and pulling me close.

I shivered and buried my face in the garments, too cold to open my eyes. I couldn't feel my hands and feet, and the tips of my ears were numb as well. My lips were probably blue. Why was it so damn cold? "N-no," I murmured. It was difficult, and I hate to fight to keep my teeth from chattering.

"Then what were you _thinking_, baka?"

Who would have the audacity to insult me? I finally forced my eyes open and looked up, as I was still too dazed and cold to distinguish scents right now. "Naraku?"

It was Naraku. He was holding me close, getting soaked himself, and looking very angry at me. "Who else?" he demanded.

Well, that was all right then. If it were him. Anyone else, and I would have been angry. "No one," I breathed, leaning in toward him. I was tired suddenly. I wanted a warm bath and a real bed. "You always seem to come… when I'm naked."

"This time, it wasn't on purpose."

"You're a pervert," I muttered. I was falling asleep in his arms. I liked that, for some reason—that I was falling asleep, and he was holding me. He swore. Why was he swearing? I was a bit confused. I closed my eyes.

When I opened my eyes again, I was somewhere warm. I looked about me. I was sitting in a steaming bath. Naraku was half-naked, leaning over me as he tried to work the feeling back into my hands and feet. He still looked angry.

I closed my eyes again. "Thank… you."

"You're an idiot," he repeated. "Who the fuck jumps in a river, naked, in this weather, so early in the morning?"

"This Sesshomaru does."

He glared at me. "Baka."

As my body began to feel again, it was painful, but at the same time, it was what I wanted. The numbness had faded. Life had come to me again, but it was not so much the numbness, but the fading of that numbness I desired. To not think for a time, and then to let it fade away felt good.

I suddenly grabbed both of his arms and pulled myself upwards, pushing my lips against his. It was a reversal of roles. He was the one too stunned to say or do anything—including kiss me back. I pulled away and leaned back in to the water. My hands were still on his arms and I hauled him down into the water. He was plunged into it with splash and gasp of surprise. He sat up, dripping wet and looking like he had half a mind to dump me back in the river he had pulled me out of. Well, I would have to change his mind.

I lunged toward him, wrapping my arms around him and kissed him. I brought him down into the water again. I kept him down, pinning him there and kissing him, until my lungs couldn't take it any more. I let us both up. We gasped for air even as we both refused to relinquish the other's lips.

I intertwined my fingers with his unruly black hair, pulling him down on me, back into the water again. I wrapped my legs around his waist. I opened my eyes. He needed air again—quite desperately. He was trying to pull me up. I kept him down for a while longer, before I allowed him to pull the both of us up again. I released his lips so we could breathe. Once I caught my breath, I pushed my face against his neck.

I trailed my tongue along his neck, collecting the little water droplets on my tongue. He moaned when I ran my tongue over his collarbone. My hands fell back into the water, tugging anxiously at his soaked garments suggestively. I abruptly stopped and pushed him back under the water and tore off his clothing. I let him get up on his own as I tossed the most likely ruined clothing over the side of the tub.

I looked back at him. Delicious. And mine.

I pounced on him again. Some of the water splashed over the side. I attacked his mouth with mine. I ran my tongue over his teeth and they parted for me. I once more wrapped my legs around him. I grabbed his erection and positioned myself. I felt his hands gently on my hips, pulling me down on him—slowly. I gasped, flinching in pain. Why did it still hurt?

But the pain was only very brief this time. I felt my back hit the side of the tub—hard. I grunted against his mouth, my fingers digging into his shoulders. He suddenly pulled away. He grasped my necklace. I looked at him, a bit confused. He slowly pulled it off of me and set it down outside the tub.

"I want to hear your real voice," he breathed.

"Naraku…" I whispered, then my voice turned into a harsh demand. "Fuck me."

"As if you have to tell me," he sneered. My retort was whisked away with a soft moan.

Naraku pulled away from me. I pulled my legs back together and leaned back into the now very dirty water. I started to get up, but found that my legs didn't want to move. In fact, I couldn't get up.

I rolled my head to look at him. I needed to get back to Rin and Jaken. They would be worried. "Naraku?" I said. He looked at me. I smirked. "You have to take me back now."

His eyes narrowed. "You can fly. Why don't you go back yourself?"

I looked at him innocently. "But I don't know where we are right now. And besides… It's your fault that I can't move."

"Don't pull that act. It doesn't suit you."

I blinked. "What act?" Why did I feel all fuzzy and weird after sex? I wanted to be playful and coy afterwards. And I was _not_ a playful or coy individual. I suppose… No, what I really wanted was to see if he would. That's what I told myself anyway, and it was true. I did want to see if he would take me. I was measuring how much control I had over the hanyou.

He rolled his eyes. "I can't believe this is you."

"You have to take me," I repeated, my tone becoming less playful and more me. "You see, I can't walk. And it is your fault that this is so."

A smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he looked at me. "Is that so?"

"Yes."

He leaned back in the water, closing his eyes. "Then I suppose you're trapped here with me."

Fine, I still didn't have as much control as I had hoped. I sighed and tried to stand again, leaning against the side of the tub for support. My legs were all shaky, threatening to buckle. I picked up my necklace and put it back on, pulling my hair out of the way. I let my hair fall back against my back, plastering itself to my skin again.

"Are you really going to leave--again?"

I looked back over my shoulder. He had turned around to look at me. "Of course."

He looked less than pleased. "But…"

I had gone back to getting dressed. So much easier with two arms. It really was a luxury that everyone took advantage of. I was still shaky, but it was beginning to wear off. I tied my obi, still a bit gleeful at how easy it was. (You would be too, you know.)

Naraku sighed deeply. I glanced at him. He was sulking. He glared at me from the corners of his eyes. I decided to ignore him and stuck my swords back in my obi. "Why won't you stay with me?" he demanded.

I looked at him flatly. "I see no reason why I should."

"…"

I cocked my head to the side. "You only want me here so you can fuck me."

At that, he shot to his feet, furious for a moment, then calmed. He closed his eyes, then opened them again. "No."

I picked up my armor. "Hm." I put on mokomoko-sama and looked at him briefly. I turned away again and marched out the door.

"Wait," he said. I looked over my shoulder at him. "Don't go. I love…"

I shut the door, but didn't leave. I didn't understand why he loved me. It was probably just lust—similar to how I felt about him. I sighed, opened the door, and stepped back inside. "How can you love someone you don't even know?"

He blinked. "I do know you." I was intrigued. He claimed he knew me? "I know that you're vain, prideful, arrogant, strong… beautiful." But everyone knew that. He averted eye contact. "I also know that, despite the front you put up, you can be very insecure and indecisive."

I blinked. How… the hell… could he know that? But my face remained expressionless. "What makes you believe that?"

He looked at me. "A part of manipulating others is knowing how they will behave, thus I am also… perceptive. You are insecure in that you parade as a man, which makes you feel more secure." True. I let him continue. "I discovered that you were indecisive when you came to me the first time."

"It would seem I have few redeeming qualities, then. So what is left of me to love?" I hissed. "Besides my body, that is."

"Your strength, your grace, your intelligence, your passion, your resolve… There is a lot, actually." He rose from the water again and climbed out, his hair plastered to his back and face. "Stay with me."

I turned away again. "There is no reason for me to." I left this time.


	31. Chapter 25 Alternate

**Chapter Twenty-Five Alternate**

_Miserable_

I was growing weary of all the looks Jaken was giving me, and how Aun always stepped between me and whatever youkai chose to attack.

Like right now. A demon had chosen this moment to come and attack me. I turned toward it, beginning to draw Tensaiga (remember that it had absorbed the power of Tessaiga), but Aun leaped in front of me defensively, then attacked the other youkai ferociously. I watched him, feeling rather annoyed. My power may have been getting slowly weaker day by day, but I could still kill this damned youkai with no trouble.

"Aun has been very defensive lately," Rin commented. "I wonder why." Jaken looked at me nervously. I kicked him. Not very hard, but with enough force to make him fall over. Rin frowned. She knew that I had never been particularly kind to the toad, but I had just kicked him for seemingly no reason.

Aun came back to us, the youkai dead. Ah sniffed at me in a manner I disapproved of quite a lot. Un looked at my stomach. They seemed satisfied and moved away. I had half a mind to kill them for that, but I didn't.

Rin looked from me to Aun and back again. "Um… Sesshomaru-sama, what was that about?"

"Hm." I shot Ah and Un with a death glare as I passed them and continued on my trek toward my palace. We were almost to the borders of my land. Not that it helped much. Any demon that I could so much as smell, I went after immediately. Usually, I would never have done so, but I couldn't afford them smelling me right now. Except that any time I took off, Aun was right behind me, which was most infuriating.

I wasn't sure what I was more offended by—that they were protecting me, or that they thought I needed it.

I was running out of the medicine that the old herb woman gave me. There was an old healer on the palace staff that had been my mother's midwife. She could help me. I had never cared much for the old woman--too many childhood memories of her pinning me down and shoving some sickening concoction down my throat. And people called _me_ evil. That was just sick. I would kill someone, but I wouldn't torture them like that.

Once, I had been poisoned by a demon when I was a child. The cure smelled like poached vomit. I allowed the memory replay itself.

"I'm not going to eat _that_," I said, pointing at the cup in the healer's hand.

Mother and Father shared a look. At some signal I had not taken note of, they grabbed my arms and kept me in place. Despite my best efforts (kicking, scratching, complaining, transforming, biting, etc) their iron grips held fast. They made my transform back. I snapped my mouth shut.

"Would you rather get sick or drink the medicine?" Father demanded.

The poison hadn't hit me dead-on. As it was, I would have lived without the cure—I just would've been sick and in bed for about a month. I refused to answer, as I didn't trust him. If I opened my mouth, then the poached vomit would be poured down my throat. Why did her damn medicine have to taste so awful? Was it some unwritten law that medicine must be just as awful as actually being sick?

"Darling, you need to drink the medicine," my mother said.

I shook my head, mouth clamped firmly shut. No way they would convince me to drink something that smelled like that.

Father pursed his lips and pinched my nostrils shut. I leveled my eyes, staring at him. "You can't not breathe forever."

To hell I couldn't! I would pass out before I swallowed that damned thing. The funny thing is that my sense of self will was actually that strong; it surprised my parents when I fainted. However, when I woke up and was still only barely conscious, the healer poured that poached vomit down my throat, and it tasted exactly like it smelled. That I didn't just throw it back up was surprising.

Her remedies probably hadn't changed much since then, which meant that I was really willingly undergoing torture. Of course, what would be worse? Her concoctions, or the morning sickness?

That was a difficult conclusion to come to. Morning sickness was awful, and swallowing something that tasted like I should be throwing up was a whole new kind of sickness.

My entire pregnant life was going to be absolutely miserable.

I was going to castrate Naraku, damn it.

Author's Note: Following Chapter is Chapter 23: Beautiful Death.


	32. Chapter 27 Alternate

**Chapter Twenty-Seven Alternate**

Cherry Blossoms

I found him standing in the garden, amidst a grove of cherry trees, the moonlight filtering down through the branches, the petals of the cherry trees falling with the wind, dancing gracefully downward where they came to rest on the soft grass. There were two caught in his hair, either unnoticed or uncared for. He was waiting for me, but not looking at me. He had his back turned to me, head tilted up as he watched the blossoms play in the wind.

He was angry.

But he was always angry at me as of late.

"Naraku," I said.

He turned and looked at me, a characteristic scowl plastered to his face. When did he ever _not_ look angry, though? It was either angry or blank. Sort of like me, only with a better reasoning. I kept my face blank so there would be fewer suspicions raised. He simply didn't seem to know how to do anything else, which sort of made sense, considering that his body meant very little to him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I played the innocent. If he wasn't referring to what I thought (unlikely) then I didn't want to give it away. "What do you mean?"

"I told you to cut the innocent act; it really doesn't suit you," he repeated. He walked toward me until we were only a few feet apart. "You know exactly what I mean."

I looked away. "I didn't think it really mattered enough to bother you with such a trivial affair."

He backhanded me. I blinked in surprise, but I did not flinch. I looked back at him coldly. He gripped my shoulders. His words seemed to drip venom. "How could you think that?" he demanded. I blinked slowly, trying to process what it was he was saying and, more importantly, what it meant. "How could you ever think that! Don't you know how much you mean to me! Don't you know how much it hurt when I found out!"

I had been about ready to outright attack him, but that gave me pause. "Naraku…"

"How could you do that… to me?"

His grip on my shoulders was beginning to grow painful. "Naraku…"

"You just don't understand, do you?"

His nails were pressed against my flesh in a most uncomfortable manner. I put my hands on his arms. "Naraku, calm down."

He looked at his hands and relaxed his grip, letting his arms fall back to his sides. "Do you… Even want me here—with you?" For a moment, I couldn't understand the look on his face, then I realized what it was—pain.

I turned my back to him. "No."

"I… see."

I glanced back at him. He was walking away from me, eyes downcast. He looked so forlorn I almost smiled. "I need you though." He froze and looked over his shoulder at me. "Understand that it's because I'm not killing the child." He turned completely around. "It means that my power will incubate the child, and that I will be vulnerable to other youkai. You are honor-bound to protect me while other youkai seek to destroy me in my weakened condition."

He smiled—a little sardonically. "And keep them far away enough so that they won't smell you?"

I tiny smile twitched at my mouth. "With your barrier."

He nodded. "Of course, for me to keep it in place, I have to be with you, and I know you get tired of me quickly."

"And you will have to tolerate how ill-tempered I will be," I pointed out. "And stay beside me in case anything sneaks through the barrier--and eradicate all the youkai that shouldn't be near the palace," I added as an afterthought. That was almost a speech for me.

"Anything else?"

I stepped toward him. "Apologize to Rin."

He made a sour face, then nodded. "Very well."

I took another step to him. "And be kind to the servants."

He seemed displeased with that as well, but consented. "Done."

I closed the distance between us. "And, of course…" I pushed against him, leaning my head against his shoulder. "You have to sleep with me at night, in case I get sick and need help."

I felt his arms encircle me. "And not because you want me there," he said with a quiet chuckle. I nodded. "I'm glad we understand each other, then."

I slid my hands up to his shoulders. I turned my head to look at him. I leaned in as if I were going to kiss him, then I kicked one of his legs out from under him and pushed him downwards, making sure that I fell with him, landing on top of him. He looked less than pleased. I had just been establishing dominance at a time when I should have been establishing a relationship.

"Bitch," he said, his fingers gripping my hair at the roots. He pushed me down into a kiss. Oh? Did he think he could be dominant? I think not. His tongue sought entry into my mouth. I pulled his tongue in with my teeth, then I smirked and bit down. He flinched. I opened my eyes, looking at his glaring face. I pressed down a bit harder. I felt blood run over my tongue, tinged with miasma. It tasted rather foul. I let go, turned my head, and spit. Not a second had passed since I had spit before he had flipped me off of him and pinned me down on my back.

I looked up at him, contemplating kneeing him in the crotch or biting him again. Two tentacles were pinning down my legs, but I had the idea that if I tried hard enough, I could break free of them. Two more tentacles came to pin my wrists in place. He drummed the fingers of his right hand against my shoulder, looking thoroughly annoyed. "You really are a bitch, you know."

"True," I agreed.

Not the reaction he had desired. A different sort of demeanor swept over his face. He smirked down at me. "Hm. What should I do with you like this?" I sensed something very interesting coming in the near future. I quirked an eyebrow, but said nothing. "I suppose I could 'rape' you, but you can't rape the willing."

A fascinating idea. Once he said it, I had the most insane desire to… Why? Possibly, because it was different. I scoffed. "You couldn't subdue me anyway."

"I couldn't?"

I smirked. "No."

"Even in your weakened condition?"

"Care to find out?"

"Is that an invitation?"

I said nothing, and didn't move either, for a moment anyway. He frowned. In one swift movement, I had pushed him backwards and ripped apart one of his tentacles. I held the end of it in one hand. I tossed it to him and turned around. "I told you that you couldn't."

"Hm." A tentacle wrapped around my waist, two more around my arms. I let him pull me back to him. One of his hands glided down my haori. I twisted my arms and dug my poison claws through the tentacles. I turned around and slammed one of my fists through the tentacle around my waist. The broken appendages fell away.

I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "You see? I'm stronger than you."

He kissed the crescent moon on my forehead. "Only for another week or so."

"Mm-hm." I started pulling off his clothes impatiently.

"You're eager tonight. Any particular reason?"

Not really. I just thought that I wanted to fuck him underneath the sakura trees. I stepped away from him to undress, then kicked my clothing aside. I looked at Naraku for a moment, then I kicked him square in the chest, winding him and knocking him off-balance. I pounced on him and once more used him as a cushion to break my own fall. He groaned upon impact with the ground.

"Is that really necessary?" he moaned. "Do you have to do this every time we have sex?"

I kissed him softly. "Yes," I said after I pulled away. "Get used to it." I positioned him with one hand and slowly slid down, flinching a little. It still hurt, just a bit, but it was getting better.

A strong breeze blew off dozens of cherry blossoms. They floated around us. One caught in my hair. Naraku reached to pluck it out, sitting up to do so. He kissed me, his other hand toying with my necklace again. He pulled away and took off the necklace. He placed it on the grass a ways away from us.

He released the pink blossom into the wind.


	33. Chapter 28 Alternate

**Reviewed By:** liliesformary MediaMiner Member **On:** May 08, 2007 09:16 CDT  
**Comment/Review:**  
This reminds me of a fanfic I read once called "My Lady's Visage" by Baka-Desi (on Though, I have to say, your prose isn't quite what hers is. And, while I find the idea and the pairing interesting, I think the _story_ isn't quite there yet. Though, keep at it. Just be aware that there is a wide berth for revisions. I'm obviously interested enough to read it, and thus, leave a review. This isn't a flame, BTW, this is constructive critisism, though I'm sure you know the difference, some people do not. Anyway...some thoughts: Considering Sesshomaru's reasoning for dressing like a male deals with transgender issues, you may want to do a little more research in that arena. His/er attutude towards the whole thing seems more tomboyish than "I'm born in the wrong body." Also, there are a lot of psycological issues that go along with that. I don't know, it just doesn't feel well thought out, and I thing it's one of the most glaring problems in the plot and character development. Also, I don't know why you have two opposing storylines, but I wish you would pick one and focus on it. Either the romance or whatever else you had planned if Naraku stayed dead. Also, also, these chapters feel, considering how much they cover, like they could be a lot longer; generally more descriptive and more developmental for the characters. Finally, this is quite OOC in most places...(not just Sess. Inu and the gang and Naraku don't feel right at all)I think it may be interesting to keep it a little more IC, even with the drastic change to Sesshomaru. Well, good luck with this. At least it's something different.

Me: (Never read "My Lady's Visage," so it wasn't inspired by it.) Yes, I know that I _should_ go through it and do editing and revisions. The problem is that I'm rather lazy and don't care enough. I like my story, yes, but my true passion is in the works I can actually publish, not fanfiction. I only do this when I'm bored and stuck on something in my real writings, or I need a break. Regarding the tomboyishness, Sesshomaru is more angry than depressed, and gradually coming to terms with being a girl, and also doesn't like to dwell on the matter to begin with. Point being, s/he's different from normal people and rather than dwell on it, moves forward (idea being is that s/he's had several centuries to dwell on it and is tired of doing so). The two storylines is a simple explanation as well: the original is just that; my original plotline (bear in mind that the original story ended at Chapter 27: Change). The alternate ending was just a request that I happened to take an interest in doing. Inu and Co. were never that important in regards to the plotline, and thus I had little interest in including them for anything but occasional comic relief and to make the story happen—meaning I cared very little about them. And thank you for your review. Maybe I should've pointed some of this out earlier, anyway.

**I own nothing but the plotline. But you all knew that already, right!?**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight Alternate**

_Why?_

"Why do you have the Shikon no Tama?" Naraku demanded.

I looked from him to the jewel in my fingers. "I'm going to become a man after the children are born." I had explained to him about the twins, and we had been discussing what to name them, but neither of us could agree or make a decision, so the subject had been changed.

"No," he said flatly. I glanced at him, but said nothing. "You should give it back to me."

My fingers curled around the jewel protectively. I gauged the distance between us. About two yards. If he was going to take it by force, he would have tried to by now. "Tell me the real reason you went in search of my arm," I said.

He sighed. "I told you."

"I don't believe you."

He leaned back against the wall. "You're so different when you want to fuck."

I disregarded his comment. "Tell me. I think you were just trying to seduce me."

He shifted his eyes to look at me. "You're very shrewd."

I knew it. He had somehow known that I would revive him. I turned a little away from him, looking at the jewel again as I imagined what it would be like to be a man—to finally be free of this ridiculous female body with all of its ridiculous problems and shortcomings. I raised an eyebrow slightly. "I see." I glanced at the birds outside. I watched them flit from branch to branch, scurrying around in the grass, and fluttering in the air for a while. It was almost impossible to tell which were male or female. It was like that with birds. For a long time, it had been like that for me. _Don't go there_, I warned myself. _Don't think about it._ I glanced back at Naraku. "How did you know I would revive you?"

"I had hoped you would revive me without ill intentions," he said carefully. "But, as a precaution, I took your arm as a peace offering—in case you simply wanted to kill me again."

Finally. The truth was out. I had thought that it was something like that, and it was very satisfying to hear him admit to it. I had little time to revel in that, though, as the door slid open. Chiyuota, apparently sensing Naraku's rather strong aura, had ran in--a little late for that, as he had been here for several hours as the day was breaking. It looked as though the old youkai had just woken up, though. Her gaze shifted from me to Naraku and back again, trying to process this.

I was sitting cross-legged on my futon, and Naraku was standing a ways away from me, staring out the door at the birds. He glanced at the healer, then back out the door again, unconcerned.

"What… When…" she stammered for a moment, then regained her composure. "Sesshomaru-sama!" Chiyuota was probably the only being whom could make that sound like an insult and a reprimand at the same time. "You're going to answer my questions. First, you told me he was dead. Apparently, he's alive."

"Apparently," I agreed.

Naraku looked back at me. "Oh? You claimed I was dead?"

"Only a about nine days ago," Chiyouta confirmed.

His eyes narrowed. "I've been alive before that time." He turned to me, suddenly interested in my explanation.

I didn't bother looking at either of them as I explained myself. "It was easier than telling you that at the time, I wanted nothing to do with him."

Naraku looked displeased, but saved his retort for later. He looked back out the door that I never seemed to close. Chiyuota, however, was rather exasperated. "Anything else you'd like to clarify?"

"No."

"Would you care to explain why he's here now?"  
I blinked. "Does it matter?"

Suddenly, the fires of her temper cooled to embers. "Indeed. Very well, then. You had a change of heart. I see." I looked at her flatly, but said nothing. "When did he arrive?"

"Last evening," I said, studying the jewel once more as my thoughts drifted back to something far more pleasant—the idea of changing my body.

Chiyuota nodded once. "Very well. Sesshomaru, how are you feeling?" I supplied her with no answer. If I said I was well, she would pour something foul down my throat, and if I said I felt ill, she would do something worse. "Very well. How about an herbal tea?"

I looked at her. Had I heard her correctly? "What are you putting in it?"

"Nothing today."

I knew Chiyuota better than that. She would put something weird in it. "Hm."

She ignored my suspicion and looked at Naraku. "Do you want anything?"

"I don't eat," he said flatly.

She blinked. "What?"

He looked at her. "I do not require edible sustenance." She processed this for a moment, then nodded, bowed, and made her exit. He looked back at me. "I don't want you to be male."

Why did I revive him again? I glanced at Tensaiga and Tokijin. Tempting… "I do not care what it is you desire."

"Give the Shikon no Tama to me. Wouldn't you prefer it if I were a full-blooded youkai?"

"No," I said, deciding to slip back in to my reverie in which I could cast off this female form like an old piece of clothing—finally, after all these years. I was setting things in the right.

"It would be beneficial to you as well."

I glanced at him. "How so?"

"Isn't it a little humiliating being with a hanyou?"

I looked back at the jewel, turning it to reflect the sunlight streaming in through the open screen. "No." I rose, an idea forming in my mind. I walked past Naraku, out the door. He was trailing after me—most likely intent on trying to convince me to give up the jewel. He knew that he couldn't take it by force just yet.

"Where are you going?" he demanded.

I looked at him from the corner of my eyes. "Don't follow me. I won't be long." I looked up at the sky. "While I'm gone, apologize to Rin for the trauma you have caused."

The look he gave me could have withered plants. "You want me here to protect you, so I stayed here. And now you're leaving?"

"I won't leave again," I promised. With that, I flew off, with one intent in mind. Naraku would be furious.

I arrived back in about two hours' time. Naraku hadn't seemed to have moved much, and he was glaring at the sky when I arrived. His glare shifted to me. I sat down beside him.

He went to glaring at the birds. He suddenly froze. I could hear him stop breathing. He turned slowly and looked at me. "What did you do with the Shikon no Tama?"

This would be delightful. I couldn't wait to see his facial expression. I couldn't wait to have him fly into a rage. I wondered how far I could push him before he decided that he could not stand me any longer, or he finally just tried to kill me. Why did I care so little about my own life as to risk gaining him as an enemy once more? But it wasn't so much my life I should be concerned for—it was my children. "I gave it to Kikyou," I told him. We had agreed that she would look after it for one year before I returned for it. She had not asked me why. I don't think she knew, either. If she had asked me, I already had a plan: I was going to consider what I could do with it, and a year's time should be sufficient. During that time, I didn't want every demon in Japan after my head. It was a valid enough excuse, but I had not needed to use it.

For a moment, his face was totally devoid of all life. His face shifted into a look of absolute horror, misplaced hatred, and disgust. He started to say something to me, but couldn't seem to put his rage into words. I half-expected him to try to butcher me, but he didn't. Instead, he shot me another glare that could have withered plant life and stalked away. I almost merely let him go, but then a thought occurred to me.

Could he be going after Kikyou?

I rose and followed him, staying at a distance behind him. He had to have known I was there, but he gave no mention of it. I stalked him for quite some time, but he never left the barrier. Finally, he walked over to me.

"Why did you do that?"

"I should think that would be obvious," I stated flatly.

He had to know my motive. In fact, I knew he did. He just didn't want to believe that I had really given it to her.

But I had given it to her, and now it was out of his reach, and it was safe for a while longer.

He sighed. "But you're going to get it back."

I nodded. "Yes."

He searched my eyes for a moment with his own. "If you do that… I will tolerate it, if you give it to me afterwards."

What? I scowled. "No."

"Then I'll leave you."

Why? Why did it have to be that way?

He was serious. He would tolerate some of my bull shit, but not all of it. He wasn't going to let me continue to walk on him. This was my limit. I couldn't be male if he couldn't be a youkai. Not and have him with me anyway.

I looked away.

Was that how it was? Did I have to stay female to be with him? I looked at him. Was it that he wanted me female, or just really wanted to be a youkai? "Do you want me to be female, or do you just desire to be a youkai?"

"Both."

My lips curled in disgust.

"I will tolerate you male if you will give me the jewel."

I was afraid that if I gave it to him that it might change him, and more than just physically. "No."

"Then I'll leave you. We will be enemies again." He seemed committed to it.

I looked back at him. "No."

"Then what is it you want?" he demanded.

I rested my hands on his shoulders, trying to make him see my point of view. "


	34. Chapter 29 Alternate

**Chapter 29 Alternate**

_Not Again_

"I'm not doing this because I don't want you to be happy," I said slowly, forcing the words out of my throat. It was what I was thinking, but I had trouble putting my thoughts in to words, and I had even more problems telling them to someone else. He should know how difficult this was for me. "I do."

His expression softened, but he said nothing. That was good, anyway. Damn, I wasn't any good at this. I was used to pounding sense into others with my fists or a sword, or I ignored the problem as best I could. That was how I was used to dealing with things. But that wouldn't help in this situation. This really wasn't easy, and he'd better appreciate what I was trying to do for him.

"Furthermore," I said, gauging his reaction. "I care enough…" Damn, I didn't like saying this. I really didn't like saying this. In fact, I couldn't finish that sentence. I averted eye contact and changed the subject slightly. "When Inuyasha transformed, he became insane…"

"I'm stronger than that baka."

"I know," I said. I looked back at him. "But you're still a hanyou."

He scowled. "You don't think I can handle it?"

I glanced at him. "Some youkai born into being youkai cannot handle their own power." I looked at him dead-on finally. "Why do you think there are so many that seem to possess no conscious? It is because their power consumes their mind as well as their body."

He became angry. "You think so little of me, _Sesshomaru-sama_."

I blinked. His tone… More than the words, it was his tone that hurt. But I just didn't see why it hurt as much as it did. I pushed the idiotic feeling aside. "That is not true."

"Then are you afraid that I will become stronger than you?"

The thought had not even occurred to me. But now that he mentioned it… I didn't like that idea either. Naraku was already fairly powerful as a hanyou. With a youkai's abilities, that power would be doubled. I definitely didn't want him to be stronger than I, but that was not my real motive. "No." I turned away from him. Why didn't he just see my point of view? I didn't want to risk that he would become insane, like Inuyasha had. If I could somehow see him as a youkai before then… "I'm just… I'm worried that…"

"You're worried? About me?"

I spun back around, glaring at him. "Yes, about you. What if you became insane and killed _me_—killed our children?" He looked away. He didn't completely understand me. I knew that. He wanted to become stronger. I could understand that, but he didn't need to do it by cheating, did he? That was really all the Shikon Jewel was—a cheating method for pathetic youkai and hanyou to pretend that they are strong. I turned his face toward me. "The Shikon no Tama is a farce. Do not rely on something else. You can become stronger without using such a tool."

He raised an eyebrow. "Then you will remain female."

"No."

He smirked. "You would use a 'farce' to become something different than what you are?"

I blinked. "This is different. I am not using it for selfish reasons."

"I think you are being selfish.

"My being male will not make a difference to anyone."

He raised his arm, as if to strike me again. If he was going to do that, then I was going to strike him back. But he lowered his arm again. "It will make a difference to me."

I smirked. "Then you lie when you say you love me," I said. His eyes narrowed. "You should love my soul, not my body."

"Your body is part of who you are."

I began to protest, but the words died on my tongue. I looked away. It was true. Would I be the same if I were born male? Would I have the same personality? My memories would be so different. Memories are what shape the personality. I sighed. "Perhaps. It may have altered everything if I had been born male, but at this point, it will change nothing."

"I disagree. I will not tolerate you being male if you will not give me a chance to be a youkai."

Why didn't he understand? I gripped his shoulders angrily. "I will not let you do this. I will not risk losing you."

"Sesshomaru…" He pulled me to him.

I clung to him miserably. Miserable because he didn't understand, and miserable because I couldn't make him understand. "It's not worth it," I said quietly. "Do you think that losing yourself—and losing me and our children—is worth it?" I looked at his eyes. Did I see myself making progress at long lost? I was a bit annoyed that I was only getting through once I had almost given up. "Stay this way—for all of our sakes'."

He was silent for a long time, and I let him be silent as he contemplated my words. I hoped that my point had been seen. I felt his hand on the back of my head, running his fingers through my hair. "Very well. Keep the Shikon no Tama. Consider it… a gift from me."

I smiled very softly, making sure he couldn't see it. "I will," I promised. Then I realized what he had just said. I looked up at him. "You will accept me even if I'm male?"

"So long as I get to be seme."

And so the cycle begins anew. Damn! Not again…

Author's Note:

Anyone want to help with naming the twins? I can't come to any decisions.

They're going to look as follows: The boy (firstborn) is going to look just like Sesshomaru, but with Naraku's eyes, and the girl is the opposite.


	35. Chapter 30 Alternate

**Chapter Thirty Alternate**

_Yield_

I heard the door open. It was Chiyuota. I did my best to ignore her, pretending that I was still asleep. Maybe she would go away and not try to make me drink something disgusting.

She opened the other door, letting in the light. I squinted and buried my face against Naraku's chest.

"Mm… Go away," he muttered.

"Sesshomaru needs her medicine."

"Stop calling me a girl," I moaned.

"You are a girl!"

"No…"

Chiyuota suddenly seemed to appear at the side of the futon, glaring down at me. I closed my eyes and ignored her. She thrust a cup at me. "Drink this and I'll leave."

I opened one eye. I hadn't slept much the previous night, or then night before—or the night before that. Come to think of it, since Naraku had came here, neither of us slept much at all at night. The only time when we finally fell asleep was when we were both too exhausted to move. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I reached up and took the cup. I sat up to drink it. It smelled like a medicinal tea.

Chiyuota was glaring at me again. I glanced at her, then back at the tea. I took a sip. At least it didn't taste like something that shouldn't be consumed. "I wish you would start sleeping in clothing."

"It's more like stop fucking," Naraku muttered, eyes closed.

"You shouldn't be doing that anyway. Sesshomaru-sama, you are two months in to your pregnancy. You just shouldn't…"

"You said that I could do anything I normally did if I wasn't pregnant—aside from killing people, as my power is null," I pointed out, then took another long sip of the tea.

She fumed. "Naraku-san, you should leave Sesshomaru alone… She needs her rest—"

"Tell her that." He lifted a finger to point at me, then dropped it. "And tell her to stop molesting me too."

I scowled. "Naraku…"

"It's not like it's my idea. She raped me," he said flatly. Chiyuota raised an eyebrow.

"You seem pretty compliant, considering that you're being raped," I muttered, sipping at the tea again.

"I've turned you into a nymph, and now I regret it." I raked my claws casually over his exposed chest with my free hand. He flinched, pulling away from me. He rolled over onto his other side. "Damn bitch." Naraku really wasn't much of a morning person.

I ignored him, finishing the tea. I handed the cup to Chiyuota and laid back down. I heard her leave, shutting the other door as well. I pulled up to Naraku, resting my forehead on his back. "You still haven't apologized to Rin."

"I never have time," he muttered. "I sleep during the day, and the second I lie down at night, you attack me."

Actually, it was probably about 60/40—so he wants sex 40 of the time. I wondered if we would ever experience an uneventful night. I hoped not. "Hm." I pulled him onto his back. The wound I had inflicted had already healed. I laid my head down on his chest. "I'm not going to be your uke, you know."

It was an old argument—one neither of us ever wanted to lose. The loser would be… Well, do I have to explain it? "You are right now."

I laughed. "Hardly."

"I'm the one doing everything," he muttered, draping an arm across me.

I sunk my claws into his torso. "You are not."

"All you have to do is lie there… And occasionally just keep a position."

My claws sunk in deeper. His face twisted into that of discomfort, but it didn't really seem to bother him. Truthfully, it didn't surprise me. He could withstand his body being torn completely apart and still laugh mockingly afterwards. "That's not true either." I thought back to last night, for an example. All _he_ had done was lie there—and occasionally moan.

"When?"

I slid on top of him, pulling out my claws. I sat up, right over his hips. He partially opened one eye, then closed it again. "Last night, for an example."

"You're insatiable," he muttered, making a feeble attempt to push me off. That didn't work, so he grabbed my hips and rolled over. "You're so strange when you're pregnant."

"It's all the drugs," I insisted. (The 21st century knows that it is also hormones!) Besides, Naraku really couldn't talk. It was like he had a split personality when he was tired, as he was always too exhausted to really be an asshole like he usually is. I sighed and laid down. "You're going to apologize to Rin today."

"Fine. Just shut up and leave me alone…"

The tea was making me sleepy anyway. I stretched out on the futon and slowly closed my eyes, letting sleep consume me.

When I awoke, I was more myself, as I no longer had any weird medications in my system. I glanced at Naraku, who was still asleep. I pondered waking him up, then arose. I slipped on a kimono and went off to the bath. I sniffed the air suspiciously and took an alternate route. Chiyuota was waiting for me. She probably wanted to get to me while I was away from Naraku.

"Sesshomaru-sama!"

I hurried my pace, hoping to get there before she got to me, but I didn't want to make it look obvious. I had already tried outright dodging her. Not only did it not work in my weakened state, it earned me a long lecture and more medication. The best I could do was stay away.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. How had she gotten so close? I turned around. Ah. Naraku had taught her how to make puppets. I would have to hurt him for that—once I could anyway. What I had smelled earlier had been a puppet. Damn!

She handed me a packet. "Put this in the bathwater. I've already prepared it for you."

I frowned. The healer had anticipated me too well. She had known when I would wake up. Probably something to do with the tea. I sniffed it experimentally. "A mineral bath?" I wondered suspiciously.

"You could use it."

More things to keep me relaxed. At least she wasn't trying to sedate me yet. She turned and left me. Sure enough, the bath was still steaming when I got there. I opened the package and poured out its contents. I pulled off my clothes and slipped in to the water, trying to enjoy it.

I heard Naraku arguing with Chiyuota. I tried to ignore them and sunk down lower into the water until the water blurred out their voices. She was probably keeping him from coming in. Probably for the best. The bath was meant to relax me—not so we could fuck in it. Still, it would be satisfying to annoy the old healer by doing that.

I closed my eyes. I was totally safe right now. No one I didn't want around could get to me, and everyone who knew about my "problem" was right here, under my tight control.

My eyes suddenly snapped open. No, they weren't. There were three more who knew. I once again had my father to blame.

Myoga, Totosai, and a demon tree. Did the tree know? That one, I wasn't so certain about. Less likely than the other two, but there _was_ that probability. I wondered if I should convince Naraku to go kill them for me, but they had kept silent for this long. The odds of any of them saying anything now was unlikely. Besides… If Naraku was with me, I wouldn't have any problems anyway.

Damn it, why weren't more youkai afraid of me like they were afraid of him? I was much stronger than him—he just had his barrier and his ability to absorb them. Of course, he ran around making his presence known—sort of akin to walking around with a sign that said "look at me!" I, on the other hand, was not so ostentatious. I realized that I was sulking.

I tried to brush it off and began to wash. When the water drained from my ears and I could hear properly again, it seemed as though Naraku had either given up, or they had taken the argument elsewhere so as not to disturb me further.

Naraku… He was being very patient with me. But, Naraku had a lot of patience, actually—when he needs to have it. He waited for fifty years for the Shikon Jewel. That was a long time to wait—even for someone who is immortal. I frowned at that thought. Was Naraku immortal? He was a hanyou, so would he die one day? For some reason, I kind of doubted it. He could just continuously keep altering his body.

Perhaps… I should tell him about how long it would take before our children were old enough to fend for themselves. I suppressed a smile as I imagined what he would do and say. No, I should wait until he asks me.

After the first year, and they're still infants, I'm sure he'll ask.

Speaking of which, I should tell Jaken to have a wet nurse lately. There was no way that _I _was going to breast feed them. I crossed my hands over my relatively small breasts at the thought. Disgusting. I hated the female body. Naraku seemed to like it, but he would have to deal with my male body.

I looked at my hands. He really was being patient with me. He was letting me have my way in so many ways. He had even agreed to stay a hanyou—for me. At that, I smiled warmly. Maybe, he really did love me. If he was willing to do that for me, he had to, considering all the trials he had gone through to collect the whole thing. I should really thank him for that—a real thank you. He was giving up a lot to satisfy me. Maybe it was because he knew that I would push him away if he didn't.

I sighed. Maybe I should yield a little to him—just a little. I wouldn't stay female, but I could at least… I sunk lower into the water, scowling. I could at least be uke. But I wanted to be seme once in a while too. Fine. I knew that I could still be completely in control like that though. So… Fine. If he wanted to do all the work, then he could.

I would yield to him that much. I knew he probably deserved it. I had put him through so much, made him give up so much—just because I'm being selfish.

All right, Naraku. You win—a little.

Author's Note: Yeah, the beginning of this chapter is a bit weird, but I wanted to add some humor to the story, and with as much medication as Sesshomaru is on right now, s/he would be a bit loopy.


	36. Chapter 31 Alternate

**Chapter Thirty-One Alternate**

_Names_

I spent the day walking around the garden with Rin. She was so happy that I did too, and the fresh air probably did some good, but I still had to go back inside to nap. I just got tired to easily.

After my nap, I went to find Naraku. He was outside, glaring at nothing and everything in sight. Apparently, he was still a bit irked that I had given the Sacred Jewel to Kikyou, for he was indeed glaring in the general direction of the priestess (I knew this because he was staring at one of her soul collectors off in the distance).

"You need to apologize to Rin," I reminded him.

He sort of twitched, but said nothing.

I moved beside him. "She's by the pond right now."

He moved only his eyes to glare at me for a moment, then resumed his hate-filled glare at the soul collector.

I was growing annoyed by his silent treatment. Was this because we didn't have sex last night? He had just been complaining about it yesterday. "If this is because we didn't have sex last night—"

"That's not it."

"Then what is it?" I demanded.

"You," he growled. I blinked. Me? "You've killed me, resurrected me, denied me repeatedly, neglected to tell me that you were pregnant, taken the Shikon Jewel, _gave it to Kikyou_, insist that you will become male, and then think that this is all perfectly acceptable and that I should just _agree _with that?"

I blinked slowly, taking this all in. I suppose, he really did have a lot to be angry about. All the same, though, I _had_ promised him that I would kill him, so I was really keeping my promise. And he _should_ be _grateful_ that I resurrected him. All the other things, though, I presumed he had a right to be angry about. "Naraku," I said, stepping in front of him. He turned away from me. I pulled him back around. "I'm sorry that I denied you for so long. But I needed time to realize that I wanted you with me." This guy really harbored things. He could never just drop something, could he? And wasn't that what I really liked about him? He was listening now, anyway. I suppose we were both difficult individuals, in a lot of ways. I thought he was stubborn and infuriating, and he thought that I was stuck up and spiteful. We were probably both right. "In that time, I wasn't sure if I wanted you… with me. So, I never told you that I was pregnant."

"And the Shikon no Tama?"

I raised an eyebrow. "You've known for quite some time now that I want to be a man; that, I should not have to explain. I gave it to Kikyou to keep you from taking it from me while I was pregnant." And weak. Pathetically weak. I hated this.

He looked away again, a look of uncharacteristic hopelessness on his face. "You crushed all of my dreams." I couldn't help it; I laughed. It sounded strange to me, and it was more of a quiet chuckle than a laugh. He gave me a funny look, as if I were an oddity. "Is it so funny that even _you_ will laugh?"

"It was merely the look on your face as you spoke." Of course, combined with the words was what made it humorous. It wouldn't have been if he had not spoken.

He rolled his eyes, as if tolerating me was some kind of great burden. "And then you _expect_ me to be your uke. You're impossible."

Perhaps tolerating me _was _a great burden. "I've thought about that," I said, looking off at the soul collector that was slowly winding away. "And I have also decided that… You've given up a lot for me—done a lot for me lately." I glanced at him. He was looking at me intently. "And so… You can be seme." I turned to look at him, smirking. "But you have to apologize to Rin."

"Where is the girl?"

"By the pond," I repeated, a bit annoyed. At least we had come to some kind of agreement, though. It wasn't much, but I was trying now. He wouldn't tolerate me for long if I didn't yield at all.

When we found Rin, she was out on a limb—literally. There was a low tree branch over the water, and she was out near the end of it, clinging to it. It was swaying slightly with her weight. What was she doing? She was reaching toward the water for something. Ah, a toy. She was so intent on retrieving it that she had not noticed either of us yet. Apparently, she had been playing with the ball and it had rolled into the water.

"Rin, don't do that," I said, but it was too late. She had lost her balance and fell. I leaped for her, but not fast enough. She hit the water. I went in after her. I felt a tentacle wrap around my waist. I fought against Naraku. What the hell was he _doing_?

He lifted me out of the water. I wiped at my eyes and looked up. He had a hold of Rin too, and also the ball. He set us down on the shore and walked forward, his tentacle slowly shrink back into his back as he did. He took the ball and kneeled down to Rin's level. She looked at him. Even after so long, she was still wary of him.

"Do you remember when I kidnapped you?" he asked, holding out the hand with the ball. Tentatively, she took it. She looked from me to Naraku.

I rested my hand on her shoulder for reassurance. "It's all right, Rin. He's not going to hurt you," I said.

"Would you…" He glanced at me. "Could you forgive me?" He had about as much trouble saying it as I did.

She looked at me again. Slowly, her gaze shifted to Naraku once more. "If Sesshomaru-sama forgives you… Then so does Rin."

I was glad. I knew that she would forgive him. I just wanted Naraku to say it.

**The next half of this chapter is from Original Chapter Twenty-Five, this version being edited.**

Even though I was getting quite obviously pregnant, I obstinately refused to wear women's clothing, despite Naraku and Chiyouta's prodding. She called me a "stubborn woman" under her breath. Naraku just sort of glared at me, which was preferable.

When the twins moved inside of me, it was uncomfortable. It was sickening, and I had absolutely no control over it, which caused me to be sick often later on in my pregnancy, which was bad news for me on two accounts. One was that I was confined to bed, and the other was that Chiyuota saw fit to give me her medications.

The old demon somehow convinced me to swallow some concoction that tasted like a combination of boiled pig liver and some kind of ghastly flower. She said it was for my morning sickness. I wasn't so sure I believed it was so much for that as it was to keep me in a semi-sedated state.

After drinking it, I noticed that I was considerably calmer and relaxed. Furthermore, I was so calm and peaceful that even Jaken's voice didn't irritate me. That was when I knew for certain that it was a sedative, but I was so far under the drug's influence that I couldn't get up to rip out Chiyouta's throat, despite my desperate desire to do so.

The old healer sought to keep me asleep at least most of the time, but I would have none of it. Instead, I dumped out her latest brew—this time a tasteless herb in a tea—outside, making sure she saw me doing so.

I turned to her. "Chiyouata, you will only give me medication when I am in need of it, and you will tell me what it is, and all of the affects it has," I growled, all too tired of all the herbs and medicine she had been stuffing down my throat, making me breathe, and so forth.

"You are in need of constant medication," she informed me.

I stared at her flatly for a moment. "I am not so undisciplined as to harm myself or my child foolishly, and thus do not need to be constantly sedated."

"I am more concerned that you will overexert yourself," she said, continuing to grind her herbs. I rolled my eyes upwards, as if beseeching divine assistance. She really didn't like that I jumped all over Naraku the second I had the opportunity, and vice versa. Was that it? "If I was certain that you would not go gallivanting around the vicinity, then I wouldn't keep you sedated."

Ah. So that wasn't it. "Are you referring to the past week?" I asked of her. A few days prior, a demon had ventured too close for my comfort, with Rin being about, and I had immediately taken off to kill it, much to the healer's chagrin. It had somehow bypassed Naraku's barrier (he was still trying to figure out how), and I had noticed it before he did. I just assumed that it was too weak for the barrier to pay any attention to it.

"Yes," she informed me. "Let Naraku, Aun or one of the servants handle these sorts of problems."

I disliked that idea, and she knew it—which was exactly why I had to be put to sleep or in a daze without cease. She dumped the ground herbs in a pot with water and set it over the fire. "The servants are incompetent, and Aun is not always around." It was true enough. Ah and Un watched over Rin when she was outside, but they were not willing to leave her side to kill the demon unless the demon was an immediate threat. Because, in my current state, I viewed everything as a threat, I did not see their point of view. I considered the servants useless outside of cooking and cleaning, and if I was going to ask for Naraku's assistance, I might as well hang myself.

She only sighed, but remained silent for a time. The water began to boil. She added something else to it. "I didn't want to tell you this, because it may worry you, but the real reason I keep you sedated is because a pup is growing weak." I checked her eyes, making sure she wasn't lying. Chiyouta wasn't the type to lie, though. Not about something like this. "If you continue running around like a rabid dog, it will wear on your strength as well as the child's. While you recover more quickly, the child does not." She looked at me, checking to see my reaction.

"It is only one of them, then?"

She nodded. "One is stronger than the other." She frowned, looking at me curiously. "You do not care if one dies?"

How could she say that? Of course I cared. "They are both important to me."

She seemed satisfied with my answer. She did something else to the boiling mixture. She stretched a rag over a bowl, using a wooden fixture to keep it in place. It reminded me of an embroidery ring. She poured the contents of the bowl over it. The liquid went through, but a sticky, brown mixture stuck to the rag. She disposed of the liquid, explaining, "The liquid is poison." She scraped off the gooey mess. I realized that she was intent on forcing it down my throat and I began to prepare a speech of protest, then I remembered that this was for the pup. "This will restore the pup's health, but you have to eat all of it," Chiyouta said as she scraped it into another boiling water mixture—this time the mixture was soup though. At least she wasn't intent on making me eat it as it was.

"Have you begun to think of names yet?"

"No," I answered. Perhaps I should start doing that. What a tedious process, and kind of daunting too. There was a lot to a name. Should I choose something distinctly feminine, masculine, or give them both neutral names? What if they were both female, or both male? Should I choose two of each? Or should I choose two neutral names? I could just give them milk names until they chose their own. They could change their names if they wished, though. That didn't bother me. Why give them a milk name, then? Well, I could give them a milk name until their personalities began to develop, and then I could choose names for them based on that. Perhaps I should consult Naraku? He would be angry if I didn't, but why had he never brought it up? I had probably just been too heavily medicated lately.

I drifted off in to thought. I would choose the female first, then. Something feminine. Something if they were both female, or one was female… But I needed two names…

Maybe something similar, or with similar meanings? Hmm. But then, I worried that they may be perceived more as a unit than as individuals. No, they needed separate names with different meanings to set them apart from each other. Just because they were twins did not mean that they would be similar.

As I tried to concentrate on thinking of names, and didn't find any that I liked, I began to have second thoughts about naming them before I even knew them. I suppose, indecisive was the word. I was indecisive about everything, though, wasn't I? I may never show it, but it was true. I rarely doubted myself, but being indecisive was different. I just couldn't seem to make up my mind on things unless they were either dire or spur of the moment decisions. Once a decision was made, I stuck to it. It was coming to that conclusion that was difficult, though.

It really would be better for them as well as myself if I waited until they were born. If I just waited until their personalities developed a bit, then I could base their names more off of themselves rather than my wish for them. That seemed better.

That was how I would have wanted it, anyway. I hoped that, one day, they would just be happy with my decision.

Chiyouta smiled at me, a bowl of steaming soup in her hands. I was less than thrilled.

Author's Note:

I still need help with names. Anyone want to help with naming the twins? I can't come to any decisions.

They're going to look as follows: The boy (firstborn) is going to look just like Sesshomaru, but with Naraku's eyes, and the girl is the opposite.


	37. Chapter 32 Alternate

**Chapter Thirty-Two Alternate**

_Names_

Naraku and I had been sitting over tea, talking for well over an hour about naming them, yet neither of us could come to any conclusions. Every name I had added to the list, one of us had decided against and had crossed out when we reviewed them.

I was growing exasperated. "I suppose we could call them 'it,'" I muttered. He gave me a look that suggested his thoughts that I had lost my mind. I threw the scroll at him angrily. He caught it with his free hand. "Then _you_ think of something! You had no trouble naming the rest of your creations."

"This is different."

"No it's not!"

He ignored my outburst quite blatantly and sipped his tea. He knew it was just all the very medications and being pregnant that was doing this to me. He thought it was amusing. I didn't. "Yes it is. This was an accident, and they were created on purpose."

If I hadn't been so late into my pregnancy, I would've jumped at him and shoved that teacup down his throat. "You…"

He looked like he was trying to keep from laughing at my expense. He took another sip of the tea. "Also, I think I'll like them much more than I ever liked any of my reincarnations."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and finished my tea. I set the teacup down. "How about…" I looked at Naraku, then glanced in the mirror at myself. "Meian."

"Meian… For a boy or girl?"

I shrugged. "Either."

He considered. "It sounds sort of masculine."

I looked at the teapot and wondered if Chiyuota would be very angry if I broke it over his head. "It could be for either."

He sighed and took the pen and inkwell from my side of the table. He wrote down "Meian" under the boy section, totally ignoring my protests. I took the pen and paper and wrote it under "either," scratching it out from "boy." He frowned. "What if we put it under either, but it leans more towards male?"

I looked at the teapot again, then sighed. It would be rather expensive to replace and Chiyuota would never let me hear the end of it. "Very well."

The door opened and Rin came racing through. She skidded to a halt before crashing into the table. "Whatcha doin'?"

"We are trying to decide on names for the twins," Naraku informed her.

"Rin wants to name one!" she declared. She sat down beside me. She was just learning how to read from Chiyuota, and peered over at my writings curiously. She squinted, trying to read it, then looked up at me. "Which ones do you like?"

"None of them," I said.

Rin touched her lower lip and thought for a while. Then she smiled. "Shuarra!" she said. She touched my very swollen stomach, smiling with obvious delight. "Do you like the name 'Shuarra'?" She giggled when one of them kicked. It made me feel sick, but I hid it well. "I think the girl likes it."

I couldn't help but smile—just a little bit. "What makes you think only one of them is a girl?" Chiyuota didn't even know yet. How could she? Childish intuition, perhaps. It was amazing what children understood, or were in tune with. It was entirely possible that she did know, simply because it had not been so long for her that she was in her mother's womb.

Rin smiled. "Rin just knows."

"Hm." I took the pen again. "Shuarra." I wrote it down. "What do you think, Naraku?"

"I don't care anymore," he answered. "I'm tired of arguing with you."

My gaze fell back to the expensive china on the table. _Don't do it…_ "Fine. If I name on of the children 'Chiri,' you will not raise a fuss?" Note: "chiri" means "dirt."

He sighed, looking upwards, as if seeking divine help. "Kasaimaru," he said. He glanced at me. "What do you think?"

"I think we should let them name themselves."

"Then they'll change their names every day," he pointed out.

I wrote down the name under "boy." "Not necessarily."

Naraku looked at Rin. "Rin, would you change your name right now if we told you to?"

Rin considered. "Yes," she decided.

"Would you probably change it once you decided that you didn't like anymore?"

"Yeah," she admitted.

He raised an eyebrow, but said nothing more on the subject.

My memories drifted back to when I had been with the weaver and pondering my relationship with Naraku. The spider and the moon, hmm? "Kumotsuki," I said.

He looked at me again. "I like that one."

It was a unity of the two of us. "Female?"

"Either, leaning more toward female." I wrote it down. "Meitsuki," he said.

I considered this. It had a sense of foreboding. It was strong, dark, mysterious, and lovely. "Female." I wrote the name down.

Rin got up and tugged at my sleeve. "Rin wants you to come outside with her."

Anything to get away from this. We had made a bit of progress, but once we reviewed it again, we would probably scratch all of the names. I rose laboriously to my feet. "What do you want to do?"

"Chiyuota says that Sesshomaru-sama needs to walk a lot. Let's go walk through the garden."

She had Rin helping her in her plots now. How sickening. But I went with her anyway. Rin walked a little ahead of me. There were no flowers at this time of year, and it was colder on most days as well. Today, however, the sun was warming the earth as best it could, and, despite that the gardens were dead at this time of year, they held a peaceful tranquility. Rin looked upwards and smiled. "Sesshomaru-sama! It's snowing!"

I looked upwards. It was snowing. "Rin. Let's go back inside."

"Yes, Sesshomaru-sama!" She followed me back inside the building. "But you still need to walk, so let's walk around the palace." I let her pick the way around the old building. I never said anything, but I suppose she knew by my stance that I was growing tired. She suddenly stopped. "Sesshomaru-sama, you should go take a nap."

I scowled. "Stop mimicking Chiyuota."

She giggled and put on her best stern "Chiyuota" face and looked up at me severely. "You stop complaining and get to bed, Sesshomaru-sama. Or else you'll be really tired and you might strain yourself or the twins."

"But I feel fine," I said, deciding to play along with her.

She pushed on my knees, trying to force me backwards toward my quarters. "You listen to me, Sesshomaru-sama. And you go take a nap."

"But I'm not tired."

"Yes you are! Stop saying that and go take a nap." She pushed again, as hard as she could. I took a step back for her sake. She hadn't been expecting it and she fell forward. She caught herself on my leg and kind of laughed. She stood up straight. "Come on, Sesshomaru-sama!"

Fine. I let her lead me back to my quarters and went inside. A nap really did sound good. Naraku had apparently wandered off. I laid down and closed my eyes. Damn, I wanted the twins out of my body.

I hated how weak I was, how I looked, and how I felt with them inside me. Soon, now, though, they would be exposed to the outside world for the first time. The prospect was kind of frightening and exciting at the same time. I touched my stomach. "Are you ready too?" I wondered quietly. There was an answering kick. "I thought so."

Name Ideas:

NameMeaningGenderCompliments of

ShuarraUnknownFemaleSappphire1022

MeitsukiDark MoonFemaleMyself

KasaimaruFire Circle/PerfectionMaleMyself

MeianLight and DarknessEitherMyself

KumotsukiSpider MoonEither/FemaleMyself

I would love it if you guys would send me some more names and give me your input! Thankies!


	38. Chapter 33 Alternate

**Chapter Thirty-Three Alternate**

_Twins_

(The following excerpt has been taken from Chapter 26 Original and edited.)

My world had become a swirling torrent of pain and misery. My vision was blurry, tears stung my eyes, and I twisted from side to side, back arching as a scream sought to escape my lips. I willed it down, my eyes turning red. I snarled, my claws dug into the sheets, tearing them. At least they weren't silk. For something like this, nothing too expensive would be used.

"She's going to transform!" I heard one of the servants cry. It sounded distant—far beyond my world of pain. It was like hearing someone shouting over the expanse of an empty desert—a voice carried by the wind, with no definite source. I barely heard it.

"Give this to her and she won't," a familiar, calm voice said. This late into my pregnancy, and now of all times, that would be disastrous. The twins would automatically seek to accommodate my body, and if they themselves transformed along with me while I was going through the long birth process, then one of them might die.

The pain. It was coming from something inside of me. _Get it out!_ "She's going to hurt herself!"

I felt someone part my lips. It was so distant. Beyond the pain, it was like there was nothing. Something cool ran down my throat. I choked and swallowed, coughing. Finally, the scream pushed its way out. I howled.

I hoped this would be over _soon_. How long had it been already? I felt something disgusting and I screamed again, feeling the bones inside being forced apart. This is something that no man can ever appreciate. It's one thing having bone broken or ripped to pieces. These were just being pushed out of place. I gasped, panting and growling. I felt hands holding me down to keep me from thrashing. I heard another scream join my own and I froze, cutting myself off. The baby? The red haze cleared and I craned my neck to look, but the pains of labor seized me again.

But I knew what to brace for this time, and with the second birth, I didn't scream. I growled, thrashed, and ground my teeth a lot, but I never once screamed. I hated Naraku. Hated him. I think some time during all of this, I screamed at him, cursing him, and telling him that I was going to butcher him.

I forced myself upwards. The pups? I looked to Chiyouta. She had the firstborn, as the other was still being cleaned off. A servant took away the filthy sheets. She gave the child to me. "It's a boy," she told me. I looked at him. He opened his eyes. They were red—like Naraku's, but he had my smooth, silver hair. It was actually a very lovely combination.

A servant gave me the other one. "This one is a girl." I peered at the younger of the two. She was his opposite—Naraku's tangled mass of black hair, and my golden eyes.

Perfect. I sighed in relief. I just wanted to go to sleep now. The twins were of like mind, it seemed, because they were asleep in my arms before I joined them.

When I woke up, I was at first alarmed because the twins were both gone, but when I looked around the room, I calmed instantly. Rin had the girl. She was sitting cross-legged on the floor, cooing over her.

Naraku was standing with the boy near the door, looking more at the child than outside.

"Sesshomaru-sama," Rin said upon seeing me awake. She rose carefully and tip-toed over to me. I took the girl from her. "Have you decided on any names yet?

Damn. Their names. No, we hadn't. We had talked a lot, but we just didn't know. Now, however, things could be narrowed down a bit. "Rin, the list of names is in my room, on the writing desk. Could you go get it?"

"Yes, Sesshomaru-sama." She handed over the baby to me. She turned and rushed off, as quiet as she could muster. Naraku walked over to me and sat down beside me.

"How are you feeling?"

I looked at him, arching an eyebrow. "Horrible," I answered. I wanted a bath, and some more sleep. Food would be good too. I looked at my daughter. "But I think it was worth it."

He cupped my cheek, turning my face back towards him. He caressed my cheekbone with his thumb. "We almost lost you."

I blinked. "What?"

"When you first went in to labor. To cope with the pain, you tried to transform the first time. Chiyuota said it would have killed at least one of the twins, but it definitely would have killed you, because you were already starting to hemorrhage. The second time you tried to, Chiyuota had made something to keep you from doing so."

Damn, now I'd have to thank the old healer. "Hm." I thought for a moment. Several days ago, I had sent Jaken out to find a wet nurse for the twins, as I wanted nothing to do with feeding them. He had better get back soon, before I had to do it myself. Right now, Chiyuota had prepared goat's milk, knowing full well that I wouldn't do it. But I didn't like the way that smelled.

Rin came inside with the paper. She handed it to me and sat back down beside me. Some names, we crossed off instantly, just looking at them. It narrowed down the list quite a bit, but we still couldn't decide on anything. There was so much in a name that it was just hard to say what we should name them. A name can dictate a lot about a person, and if we picked an unfitting name, then there would be contradictions.

I looked at the girl, studying her markings. She had Naraku's eye markings, and my crescent moon marking, except it was more purple than blue. I took her out of the blanket and looked for any other markings, but she had no others. The boy, however, was a different story. He really did look exactly like me, all except for his eyes. Same colored stripes, in the same place as mine, same amount, and he had the crescent moon marking on his forehead.

I reviewed the list for the girl. "Not Amarante," I said. Naraku scratched it off in agreement. "I don't think Kimi either." That one went as well. I studied her, trying to see what name would best fit her. I gave up and reached for the boy. Naraku relinquished him. I gave the girl back Rin. "What about you?" I wondered, looking at him.

Rin looked from me to him and giggled. "Toshi."

I almost laughed. "Almost," I said. "What do we have for male names?"

Naraku started listing them off. When one of us didn't like something, the name was scrapped. "Kasaimaru?"

I peered at him. "I don't think that 'fire' really fits him."

We were really stuck on this (and so is the author of this fanfic!). I sighed. "Well, what about the girl?"

"Shuarra," Rin insisted.

"I like Meitsuki," Naraku said, blatantly ignoring Rin.

I looked from one to the other.Rin peered at the baby. "You like Shuarra, too, don't you? You want your name to be 'Shuarra,'" Rin insisted, touching her nose.Naraku scowled. "She looks more like a 'Meitsuki.'"

Rin smiled at the baby. "Shu-arra," she cooed. Naraku scowled.

I looked at the child. Naraku was right; she did look more like "Meitsuki." But I liked the name Shuarra, as well. "Hm." I considered. "Shuarra Meitsuki," I said. "That's her name."

Rin pulled away and spun happily around in a circle. "Rin wins!"

"Sesshomaru…" Naraku said, looking from me to Rin.

I liked Rin's attitude towards this, though. "Yes, Rin wins. But 'Meitsuki' is still the second half of her name, so call her by either or both," I said. He gave a slight roll to his eyes, then decided it wasn't worth arguing over.

"What about this one, then?" Naraku asked, looking at the one that so resembled me.

I looked at him. I still had absolutely no idea. It was strange. It was like naming… myself, only in male form. That was exactly what he looked like, so long as his eyes were closed. How could I name something that was an exact copy of what I wanted to be? This was going to be harder than I had expected, and I had expected it to be difficult.

Name Ideas:

NameMeaningGenderCompliments ofRating

ShuarraUnknownFemaleSappphire1022Winner

MeitsukiDark MoonFemaleMyselfWinner

KasaimaruFire Circle/PerfectionMaleMyselfMed-Low

MeianLight and DarknessEitherMyselfMed-Low

KumotsukiSpider MoonEither/FemaleMyselfLow-Med

AmaranteFlower that never fadesFemaleInternetLow

KanaPowerfulMaleInternetMed

KimiShe who is without equalFemaleInternetMed-low

ToshiMirror ImageMaleInternetLow-Med

TamasineTwinMaleInternetVery Low

KanayeZealous OneMaleInternetMed-High

I would love it if you guys would send me some more names and give me your input! Thankies! (The rating is really more for me than you, by the way.)


	39. Chapter 34 Alternate

**Chapter Thirty-Four Alternate**

_Kuraimaru_

The wet nurse Jaken had come back with (one day late, which he earned a boot to the back for) was a wolf, whose own pups had been miscarried and born stillborn. While it was a bit saddening to her, it suited my purpose just fine.

I would have transformed myself into a man that day the twins were born, but Chiyuota said I was too weak to be moving around, and I still needed to go get to Kikyou. So, I stayed put for a while, until I felt my strength return. It was a good feeling when I knew that I could fly again, transform, and all of my other abilities were back to their usual power.

We still hadn't thought of a name for the boy. As I walked to the room where the wet nurse, Kisa, had the twins, a name seemed to come to me as I thought of him. It was perfect. I turned and went hunting for Naraku. I opened the door the room he was in and frowned. Rin had apparently convinced him to stay still, while she attempted the impossible—to brush his curly hair. It didn't seem to horribly bother him, and he was mostly ignoring her anyway. He had a pen and paper as he tried to think of a name for our firstborn. _Ours_… A warm feeling enveloped me for a moment.

Rin dropped the comb and flew at me. "Sesshomaru-sama!" she cried, wrapping her arms around my legs. "I'm so glad everything went so well."

I rested my palm on her head. "So am I." I attempted to dislodge her from my legs, and failed, although I did manage to move one of her arms so I could walk. She was content to hang on, giggling, while I drug her across the floor. I carefully sat down across from Naraku. Rin removed herself from my leg and ran to the other side of the table, reaching across Naraku, almost falling on him as she tried to grab the dropped comb. He picked it up and handed it to her. She took it and ran back over to me. I attempted to ignore her antics as she brushed out my hair. Naraku raised an eyebrow. I ignored him and took the mostly blank scroll from his hand, reviewing how many times he had crossed something out.

"Not a single name I've thought of seems to fit him," he sighed. "Sometimes, I think that it might, then I go to look at him."

I nodded. "I know what you mean." It was as if his spirit rejected the names, not him. It was as if he were trying to direct us to a specific name, but we hadn't found it yet, because he couldn't tell us yet. The name that had came to me floated back. I told him what I wanted to name him.

Naraku smiled. "That one fits him."

I smiled, but it never touched my lips. One can smile without making movement. Most of a smile is in the eyes, after all, as are most of the other emotions. "I think so as well."

"I wonder if he will accept it, though," Naraku commented. "Any time we think of something, he seems to be the one to reject it more than we do." I had heard of this happening before, and it made sense. The twins were born of two very strong demons. Sometimes, but not often, it is the offspring, more than the parent, who chooses their own name. Basically, at his young age, he had learned to control us—primarily me, as he knew how to do that in the womb. Perhaps, it was some twisted version of Naraku's love of manipulation, incorporated into a demonic ability. It was a frightening concept, but one that may benefit the child in the years to come--though it would be aggravating for us.

"We shall find out," I said. I rose slowly. Rin set the comb down. Naraku and I left the room, Rin trailing along behind us. She suddenly leaped in between us.

"I think he'll like it," Rin said.

"I hope so," Naraku muttered. We were both sick of doing this, and we never wanted to do it ever again.

When we arrived in the nursery, Kisa was just laying the twins down for a nap. She gestured for silence, unnecessarily. Rin peered at the boy. "Hey… Little brother…" He looked at her sleepily. His sister was already asleep, sucking her thumb. Kisa left us. I would never make the mistake my parents did in raising me. No matter their choices in life, I would support them, not shun them. It would be difficult, but I could do it. In fact, it was going to be difficult for Naraku and I both in a lot of ways.

For one thing, when I became a man, and claimed that I had always been a man, then others may wonder about the twins. I could say that their mother died; I had been intending on saying that anyway. But then why does Shuarra Meitsuki look so much like Naraku? I suppose we could say that she is his, and the boy is mine, and their same age is purely coincidence. That may not hold up for long though. Of course, Naraku could also claim that Shuarra Meitsuki is an experimental reincarnation of himself. The experiment would be if she grew up or not. I suppose there are really a lot of things we could claim.

Or we could just kill whoever began to talk. That was more likely. He and I would discuss what to do later, but slaughtering would be the best way to silence them.

After this, I was going to go find Kikyou and retrieve the Sacred Jewel. Naraku knew that; we had discussed it, and he was not to follow me. I promised him that I would return as a man, and that I would be the Jewel's keeper.

I looked at Rin. After I got my wish, there was one wish that Rin and I both had. That one, I would grant too, if it was within my power. Of course, Rin might be able to wish for it on her own. But I would wait until she was older, to see if this was really what she wanted.

An immortal human, hm? I wanted Rin with me, and she wanted to be my daughter, and look after the twins. And how could she without being immortal? I didn't think my heart could bear watching her grow from a child to an old woman anyway. Having to endure that might destroy me, and I would have none of that. No, my adopted human daughter had to at least partway fit in. That girl… she meant a lot to me.

"Kuraimaru…" Rin whispered, putting her finger in the child's open palm. He instinctively grasped her finger. She smiled. "Do you like it?"

There was something special about Rin that I couldn't quite name.

He blinked, then yawned. His eyes slowly slid closed. Rin smiled. "I think he likes it."

"I think so too," I said. My knuckles brushed Naraku's. It alarmed me a bit when he used the opportunity to take my hand.

Rin was consumed with the sleeping children, and how Kuraimaru held her finger in his sleep. I looked at Naraku. He was already looking at me. He leaned forward and kissed me.

"Gross," Rin reprimanded.

I pulled away, but said nothing. "Rin. Leave the twins alone to sleep."

"Yes, Sesshomaru-sama." She pried the little fingers off of hers and quietly got up. She tiptoed out of the room and disappeared down the hallway—probably off to the kitchens. It was past her lunchtime.

"You will stay with me even after I am a man?" I said, looking at Naraku."

"For as long as you'll let me."

I liked his answer. "And nothing will change?"

He sort of chuckled. "Oh, things will change…"

I rolled my eyes. "Not like that."

He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. "Nothing will change."

"And you won't complain about the Sacred Jewel?"  
"I never agreed to that." So I would still have to endure the scowls, the whines, the petty disputes that would come from my holding on to it. I didn't care, though. He had agreed not to steal it and use it to become a full-blooded demon. He was going to accept me, no matter what, and stay beside me, and help me raise the twins. I was content, for the first time in my life.

I really knew what it meant to be content.

And, thinking of the twins, back in the nursery, asleep and safe… I thought that, for once, the world really was a perfect place.

The end!

Kisa—Pure Help (she only exists for the one purpose, and is unimportant.)

Kuraimaru—Nobilty/Dark Perfection

_What do you think? Did you like the ending? Hate the ending? Want to know about the twins? _

_I'm considering making a sequel, but it will focus more on Shuarra Meitsuki and Kuraimaru growing up and such._


End file.
